Let me begin by saying how much I love my in-laws. And I really mean it. I told them almost 7 weeks ago that I wanted to remain a part of the family. And they have done just that. Today I went to my nephews 8th birthday party. I loved getting to see him and my nieces as well. Now, I should have realized this before I stepped foot on their property. And I guess I did. But the idea of going to this birthday party without Wanda nearly caused me to drop off the presents and leave. Each step I took toward the house took a toll on me. I wept before I got out of my truck (I wanted to take Wandas car but I didnt want to see the looks on the kids faces when Wanda didnt step out with me). I wept going up the steps. I composed myself and then lost it again after walking into the house Wanda spent her teenage years in. I didnt belong there without her. Her family was very accepting and loving and couldnt have been more welcoming. But, although it belongs to her brother now, that was Wandas house. That was where we had our first kiss goodnight. It contained so many good memories but all I seemed to be able to focus on was her absence. I guess I envisioned an afternoon talking about great Wanda memories. But the timing wasnt right. I was pleased when her mom mentioned stories of Wanda when she was tiny. And, although the stories led to tears, it was good for me to know she is being missed by so many others in their own way. People come up to me and dont know what to say. And thats okay. They are hesitant to bring up Wanda at all. Thats not okay. They dont want to open the floodgates. And I can appreciate that. But, as I told the father of a small child who brought up the fact that your wife died, its not like I have forgotten. Its not like I do not have her in my mind with every breath. You cannot say anything that will possibly make me miss her more. In fact, there has only been one event that has made me not dwell on the loss of Beth. And that is the loss of Wanda. Tomorrow I will get up. I will tell myself to breathe in and out and to put one foot in front of the other. I will find myself in the arms of my extended family who I love almost as much as my family and my in-laws. I will scoop up a child or two and hold them close. Hopefully for more than a couple of minutes. Hopefully long enough that when mom or dad comes to reclaim their child they will say, You smell like Uncle Kevin. And maybe, just maybe, when I get home Ill smell like spit up and dirty diapers. And that would be okay with me. Yes, I do love my in-laws. And I love my nephew and nieces. And, yes, I will find myself in Tylertown again in the very near future. And Ill probably lose it all over again. But you know what? Im okay with that.
Posted on: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 03:10:07 +0000
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