Let me paint the picture of how my day is ALREADY going: Wake myself up at 2am because I am talking so enthusiastically in my sleep. You see I was on a date. Not just any date! A special date.. where the guy came into my room…at 2am… and was asking me a series of questions like Favorite color and Your idea of a perfect date? and naturally I was answering them and giggling like a stupid school girl. When I said If you think Im cute NOW, you should see me during the day! apparently that was the trigger to make my brain suddenly become fully conscious. Imsitting up in bed, Jax is staring at me curiously (which I responded with a Youre not old enough to judge me yet) and suddenly I have to pee. So i get up…walk to the bathroom…sit down and do my thang. Im sitting there, eyes closed bc its 2am and I should be sleeping and SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE A SHARP PAIN IN MY VAGINA!!!!! My eyes shoot open, some red alarm starts going off in my brain like Ummm wake the f*** up, Sam, because THAT was not normal!. I realized I just got bit by SOMETHING. And my brain instantly reverts to that damn story I just read on Facebook about all those broads DYING because they all went to the bathroom at some Olive Garden and there was some crazy spider sitting under the toilet seat. So now Im panicking. Frantically wiping, my heart is racing, Im just saying omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg, and then I launch off that toilet cradling my vagina, looking around for whatever just bit the shit out of it. I look down and there in the toilet water is a long skinny thing. I look closer, and dont know what it is, so naturally I start CRYING into this toilet bowl with the mystery bug in it. Tears. Falling. Mouth gaping open. No noise coming out. Because, folks, at 2am when you wake yourself up because youre having an imaginary date with an imaginary man and stumble to the bathroom to reflect on said pathetic imaginary date while peeing, getting bit by an alien bug that you cannot identify on your most special of parts IS NOT REALLY WHAT YOU ARE MENTALLY PREPARED TO HANDLE. Sooooo…. I googled *long silver white-ish bug* and am now scrolling through a listing of every insect in North America until I find this little bastard and determine this is not how I die. I would go to sleep, and just attempt to start this whole day over at a more reasonable hour, but Im too terrified. And now the slightest tickle down there and I go into panic mode. Like now there is just always some bug lurking..watching…waiting…just to crawl up and bite me where it hurts! Also, if I do not in fact die, Ive decided I am going to start a blog. Okay, back to North American insects…… wish me luck.
Posted on: Thu, 05 Jun 2014 09:43:48 +0000
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