Lets go camping they said.......It will be fun they said!!! Ive never roughed it camping before other than in the back garden of a friends when I was 14, the highlight was pinching the neighbours milk on their front porch & stalking the Mortons Rolls man for a wee morning nibble!! The hubby and his lovely cousin (not now!) persuaded me to go away on Friday for 2 nights camping with the family..... ......Well heres my story!!! After a mad 2 day rush we were finally geared up for our first family camping adventure..... Brand spanking new tent, sleeping bags, munchies & glow sticks for the kids wee room! Currently have 10 acrylic nails intact!!! Oban was our location....feels like a big fat gypsy trip arriving in 5 cars and a white van. Stunning scenery en route with the sun splitting the sky, narrow country rounds with tourers heading towards you at 80mph was enough to make your heart palpitate!! The campsite was finally upon us, the views were stunning, totally breathtaking! My joy was quickly short lived as it dawned on me that there was no electric pitch.....WTF.....I could feel myself go into a cold sweat with the fear of not having long sleek hair for 3 days!! Pitching up was a laugh....had our very own secret location away from the other campers......10 kids running around whilst we started to pitch 4 tents and a wendy house! Sun still splitting the skies, boys cracking the beers open whilst the woman made the tents into a home. Now I know where they get the phrase everything but the kitchen sink......14 round trips from the car to the tent and finally our tent is now home for the next 2nights. Only 1 acrylic down so far!!! Not bad!! Could get used to this camping malarky...double vody, wee chair with its very own doukit for my cup....kids running freely in the field whilst the men act all macho preparing the BBQ, sheer bliss!! Sun starting to set & midges making an appearence....oot with Avons finest skin so soft to stop these wee bast@rds from biting the life out of me. Starting to get really agitated now.....need the toilet & its a mile trek to the nearest lavy!!! At this rate Ill be acquiring pampers finest! The toilets could give T in the park a run for its money. A deep breath & pause before I make a dash for it....must be a record as sure I bet my very own Clyde Tunnel statistics! Feeling relaxed again, vodkas going down swimmingly. Kids now tucked up in bed! Lights out at 11, feels like Im doing a stretch at Barlinnie for my sins! God damn air bed has a slow puncture so Im sinking quicker than titanic, into the cold hard damp ground I go! Hubby sleeping like a baby in his fully pumped up airbed. Aye nae bother mate....nite nite!! Its pitch dark not a noise to be heard & its 2am..... I need a wee....damn vodka is running through me! I have 2 choices.....make a quick dash to the isolated toilets with a slight chance I meet an crazed axe wielding lunatic on my travels or be undignified and squat behind a bush to slash my odds of getting slaughtered on the mud track up the road. Undignified squat it is.......now its time to master this without splashing all over my open toed sandles....here goes....got pee fright.....desperately need but at the worst time possible its not coming!!! Hope i dont jag my arse on a nettle....trying to find a doc leaf in the pitch dark is virtually slim! Finally I can go back to bed, if thats what you can call it! The field may resemble an Andrex Puppy moment as Im sure I left a trail of toilet paper behind. May put my odds on the axe wielding lunatic next time as nearly died breaking my neck tripping over one of the million guy ropes. Now is not the time to be playing minefield!!! Finally back to sleep to start it all over again in the morning! 😱 2 acrylics down now....😡 Nice bright morning so far.....everyone still out for the count....think Ill brave the shower block before it becomes a cattle market. Floor is mawkit, mud n grass everywhere, this is torture. How the feck can I shower here. Feel like greetin now. Shower is scolding one minute & freezing the next. Doing the Hokey cokey at this time in the morning certainly wakes you up!! Make up on & a quick blast to the hair & I feel miles better already....still no socket for my straighteners though 😠I must admit walking back to camp with these views is breathtaking....well for a whole 5 seconds until I realise camp is in need of a good clean up after our partying! Off to Oban for Brekkie & a stroll. Raincoats at the ready as a black thundery cloud is on its way!! Now pissing from the high heavens....rain belting off the street! My raincoat is soaking right through! My newly blow dried hair is sticking to my head & I look like a lego lady....I just want to go home now. Ive had enough. Im far from a snob but camping just aint for me....those rickety caravans back at camp are looking like luxury accommodation right now. Surely I can handle 1 more night!!! Aw for feck sake....who left the god damn window open, my tent is multifunctional and now resembles an indoor pool!! Could seriously punch someone!! Finally after using 2 large bath towels & kitchen roll my floor is sparkling, on the plus side it got rid of the grass & muck!! Im now onto my 3rd pair of shoes! Everything is drenched!!! My 14yr old nephew decides to steal my last pair of sand shoes & re-enacts the scene from Cinderella trying to squeeze his size 7s into my petite 6s! Dont worry son youll find your prince one day! 😜 The boys decide to have some male bonding time & go fishing in this thunderstorm as its supposedly the best time for it. Off they go & leave us with 20 waines to entertain in a sodden wet tent while they talk about who has the largest......fish! My stress levels are ready to go through the roof by this point....my double vodkas have turned into trebles to get me by the night! Sweets are getting dished out like no tomorrow to keep the waines at bay! My newly invested foldaway picnic table is a god send! A bit flimsy but does the job...a resting place for my vodka. Mr Smirnoff is relaxing me again.....rain?!! What rain?! Things were looking up until an almighty crash bang. My perfectly sturdy picnic table has collapsed....taking me with it.....heaped in a pile at the edge of the tent Im surprised the thing was still standing....wasnt until I was on the floor I seen the maximum weight limit!!! I did however manage to keep every last drop of vodka in my glass, pure skill!!! Men finally home from their fishing trip....pissed and a few sardines heavier!! A wee hour turned into 3 wee hours later!! Off to bed it is, really excited to be going home tomorrow!! Can visualise a bubble bath, clean dry pjs & a warm comfortable bed! No place like home! It rained all night and I can hear....drip, drip, drip!!! Damn brand spanking new tent is leaking! A night at faulty towers would be a far better experience than this!!! No one told me not to hit the rain off the tent...well thats what I just did!!! Ive now got a shower inbuilt into my tent. Drenched AGAIN!!! Thank god its the morning....Im not very religious but the amount of times Ive brought the lords name in vain this weekend has turned me into a born again Christian! Packing the car is murder.... Pretty sure weve acquired more at the end of this trip as nothing fits, either that or everything has expanded in the rain!! Finally time to say goodbye, in the warmth of my car is sheer bliss!! Taking in the views on the way home visualising a hot chocolate cosied up on the sofa when an almighty scream awakes me from my day dream.....A god damn wasp in the car....the same nephew that stole my shoes is waving his legs around like a looney!! Trying to control my laughter I tell him to calmly pick up a magazine a swot the litter bugger. He misses sending the wasp into a frenzy!! The screaming was getting louder and screechier! Finally he found it in the footwell & stamped on it 20 times and for good measure another 5 times. The poor mite was exhausted after his traumatic experience and slept the rest of the journey. Have to say that was the highlight of my weekend. 4 1/2 acrylics down!! Home sweet home..... I left a woman, came home a man!!! Tent for sale....pm for details.
Posted on: Sun, 03 Aug 2014 19:59:46 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015