Letting Go Relationships Aren’t Math. Pardon me, but I was always poor at that subject. And such has been the story this time around too. To a person who does not understand the concept of numbers, saying that ‘moving on’ is just another euphemism for a step forward doesn’t make sense. For every step that I move forward, I take a hundred back. And I remember; which my love, is the worst bit of it all. I remember every word and every gesture, and I remember you telling me not to read anything into it but I did didn’t I? So maybe you were right, I did break my own heart. But somehow, somewhere, it feels like you broke it too. You won’t accept it I know, because for you saying the words is enough. You think you’ll tell them about you, and you’ll scare them away. But you don’t. You tell them how broken you are, and there are those who would love to fix you. I was one of those. I thought myself a healer, and I kept thinking if only I could get through to you maybe this could work. If only I could break down those walls you have around you, maybe this WOULD work. So yes, relationships aren’t math at all because you might tell someone to stay away, and you still might come across as the one person they’d love to get close to. You don’t choose that, of course. You tell yourself you don’t mean to hurt and that you have all the right checks in the right places. That this time, you know better. But maybe you don’t. You can’t predict the outcome of all your actions. You can’t measure how much or how less someone might feel for you, and you can’t divine an algorithm to quantify that. It doesn’t work that way. Maybe people don’t just break spontaneously love. Maybe it needs more. And no one’s ever innocent. Remember Silhouettes? Its funny how sometimes the wrong kind of people can own the right shadow inside your head. And from then on, it becomes theirs. How do you fit someone else inside again? The shape’s not correct, or maybe the someone inside it isn’t right. How do you, more than anything else, change the way you thought you felt about somebody and exchange all those feelings and memories with the image of someone else? Again, it’s NOT math right? So who’s right in the end? And who’s wrong? You, maybe. You; the joker in the pack, who laughs at almost everything from dreams to fear to love. You; who was never wrapped in the soft blanket of belonging, and who loves belonging to no one. You, who cannot commit. Maybe it’s you who’s wrong. And I blame the ones who taught you about Love for they should have taught you better. Or maybe it’s me. Because I see you broken, and I cannot restrain myself from healing you, or at least trying to. Because perhaps healing you would mean that I could finally come to terms with all that has happened, and because there can be no better laying of the demons to rest than two broken people coming together as one. That’s like saying we’re one up against the world. Against everything anyone has ever told us about love and life and family and happiness. And the weirdly funny, and ironically pathetic part in this whole imagery is that you do not believe in Love at all. Like everything else, it’s a joke to you. And I fell for you. Of all the people who I could have chosen to fall for, it had to be you. And it matters zilch in your life. You will never stop the next time you are riding your bike on a trip to remember that I had asked you to take me on one. You won’t hesitate before making love to some other girl and when she is in your arms, you’ll never hope that it was me. You won’t ever call to tell me that I have been missed. And God how I wait for that! Even when I know it’s not going to come. When I know you are not that person. Why do I keep wishing? Why can’t I just stop? Why do you feel so right even when you are so wrong? Why? Why is it so hard to just take the numbers and walk away. It’s a zero. There will never be anything more. And yet I wish. Queen of Fools. You do right when you laugh at me. Maybe, that’s all that I deserve of you. Maybe. Someday, I hope you know just what you meant to me. That all the wrong words that were said were said for the wrong reasons and that I’d take them back if I could. That a part of me will always remember. I hope you know that. And I hope you know what to do when you know. Till then love, and perhaps forever, Adios!
Posted on: Tue, 12 Nov 2013 12:39:07 +0000
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