Lipstick and exercise shorts. I started a new rule with Karen a week after we got back to Cambodia in July: she couldnt carry her bag with her any longer when we were just out running around. Anything she needed, I could fit into my pockets, and that was her phones, hand sanitizer, and lipstick. As I prepare to pack in hopes Korean Air officailly confirms we fly out on Thursday, I opened the outside zipper of my suitcase, and out rolled Karens lipstick. I caught it right before it fell to the floor. And yes, Im typing though tears already. I put it there when I was discharged from the hospital and come to the hotel. As I begin to organize my suitcase, I also find the exercise shorts Sorphea grabbed as she gathered-up clothes for the me and Karen. Four days a week, Karen would walk out of our apartment bedroom wearing those shorts and go to the gym on the top floor. She finally said it gave her the creeps to be up there early in the morning by herself, so I was going to start going with her — if nothing else, Id just sit in there and read. And then I see her shirts, pants, shorts — all so Karen, all so Cambodia- Karen. And oh friends, I still have to go to our house in Lake Jackson when we get back. I need to get my Jeep, and I need to pack a suitcase and grab some things to move to Houston for a bit. All from our house. Our home. Every surface is covered in Karens touch. I have to walk by the guest room where she cut loose her crazy decorating ideas. I have to walk by her craft room where she so tirelessly and selflessly works on Threaded Leaf Project. I have to walk into our bedroom where so many plans and ideas for our future have been dreamed about, side-by-side. And then into our bathroom, where Ill see her curling iron on her countertop. Her ring holder. Her toothbrush. Then our closets. Before I left her tonight, I spent some time whispering into her ear. I always tell her I love love love her so so much. I reminded her that I will sit with her until the world ends — but Im still ready for her to wake up. I told her that I did not give her permission to keep sleeping because I need her, oh sweet grief I need her so so much and so so bad. (take a breath, Maury) To be honest, I am terrified. Im terrified about the flight to the USA. Im terrified about the preparations for the flight. Im terrified for what awaits us at Memorial Hermann. Im terrified of Worst Case Scenarios and The Best We Can Dos. Im terrified over how long I may sit beside her bed, holding her hand. If I did the math right, today is day 56. 56 days without her voice. Without her laugh. Without her eyes. Without her singing and head-bobbing along with her music, not yet realizing Ive walked into the room. This is the bittersweet of two becoming one flesh. My life is completed by her — and without her, there is Absence. Yes, I know full well shes still here and theres no fear of her dying — but she is part of me, and part of me is just too still and too quiet. Theres an echo deep inside. From deep in that Absence. I truly and honestly believe she will wake up — dont misunderstand me. But its hard. To say the least, its hard. She had significant improvement today as she breathed on her own for longer than ever — and she will go for even longer tomorrow morning. Her eyes continue to improve and get better, much to her opthamologists surprise. Her physical therapist even commented today about how much stronger her coughs are when he forces her to cough. She is waking up more and more. But theres a film of defeat that sticks to me every time I try and rouse her, yet get no response. Every time I ask for that hand squeeze, and dont get it. So today was a good day — it really was. But it was also a day of recollection, leading to a day of acute and sharp awareness of that Absence. The only good thing about the Absence is that it I know it hurts so much because I love her so much. I will pack her exercise shorts in my backpack so they wont get lost in luggage, and I will keep her lipstick in its proper place from now on: in my pocket until she asks for it. Oh please dear LORD, please let her ask for it soon.
Posted on: Tue, 23 Sep 2014 14:51:57 +0000
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