MAGIC PANTS Have you ever had a pair of magic pants---pants that reassure you that you are not gaining weight? Anyone who wears scrubs to make a living (doctors, nurses) understands that scrubs are magic pants. They’re loose. They have a draw string instead of a belt with notches. No zipper. A person can gain a lot of weight and still wear the same scrubs. In Farmville it is socially permissible to wear your scrubs to the grocery store. I had a pair of magic blue jeans for years. Because I worked in a hospital my entire career, and lived on a farm, I had little use for a complex wardrobe. When I retired two years ago, I began to wear my magic jeans regularly. These pants had a wide cut, generous butt, and a flex waist line. There was no need to step on the scale, so long as I could wear these pants comfortably. Three bad things happened. I developed steroid-dependent asthma and was forced to take steroids like Prednisone every day. Prednisone stimulates your appetite more than marijuana (remote personal experience). In addition, Prednisone gives you chronic heartburn, which is better relieved by eating than by Prilosec or Nexium. I fell out of a tree and ended my running career. The third tragedy was that Suzanne threw my magic pants away, citing, “irreconcilable holes and a bad zipper.” I’ve gained twenty pounds since retiring. Two weeks ago I realized that bow hunting season opened on October 4th. I could find no magic pants in my camo wardrobe. Panic-stricken, I adopted a crash low-carb diet initiated by three days of absolute starvation. I stopped drinking a glass of wine in the evening. Red wine is good for the heart, but not good for the waistline. I think I’m going to make it. I have identified one good camo outfit with magic pants. I have six more days of ketosis before opening day. Ketosis depresses your appetite. Low carb is good. Doctors are lousy patients, willing to delude themselves just like everybody else. No one held a gun to my head and forced me to eat bags of Fritos while watching sports on TV.
Posted on: Sat, 27 Sep 2014 19:07:22 +0000