MEET ZAKARY Once I heard those words, those words of what he was, how big he was, his heart, that heart that I will never forget. Its a boy! Its a boy, our beautiful baby boy that was still growing and making my back hurt, waking me up at all hours of the night because he thought it was a great idea to play mortal combat with my bladder. Zakary was the light of my life, the reason for everything my only reason for everything. The day was like any ordinary day May 17th was the turning point in my pregnancy. Going to our doctor’s appointment there were concerns. Two weeks prior to the appointment I had noticed Zak was not as active as he used to be. At this point Im thinking this is normal as hes getting bigger maybe hes getting too big? Maybe he doesnt have enough room to move? Maybe hes sleeping? These where just thoughts I was having and defiantly planned on bringing to my doctors attention. First question we are asked as soon as we sit down how is fetal movement? Fetal movement not as much as it used to be got us a trip to the hospital. Waiting in the hospital was like watching paint dry. We were just clueless as to how serious the situation was becoming and it didnt really give us a reason to be alarmed until we were told we were being admitted and a specialist was coming to see the baby for a hi-tech ultra sound. During this time we havent even picked out a name for our son. Between our doctor’s appointment and this time period I felt like time had stopped, I couldnt really figure out how to feel about what was happening. Once we consulted with the specialist my nerves had calmed down. The doctor made all our worries go away with everything will be ok 11:05 I heard the cry. The cry which at that point was beautiful notes to my ears his first and last cry. Nobody could ever prepare you for a cesarean section. As simple as it sounds it was the most traumatic experience of my life. Throughout my whole entire pregnancy I spent so much time wishing and dreaming of what it was going to be like the first time I meet our son and what its going to feel like the first time I feel his warm skin and body next to mine. I wanted to protect him and show him how much I loved him in the very first moments of his life I wanted him to know. Our son was taken out of me and away from me within the first two minutes of his birth. I didnt feel that feeling, the feeling that all new mothers describe when they first become mothers, that instant connection. I was fearful. I was scared to death for our son the fear of his well-being overcame my excitement and joy of bringing a life into the world. Waiting for the sensation to get back in my legs was just agony. The whole time I wanted to get up and move and run to our son and feel his warm body on top of mine. Then I finally felt it, in that moment of instant love mixed with obsession over this tiny life I met him, Zakary Antonio Kangas 4 pounds 10 ounces 16.9 inches long. He was 31 weeks old. Hey! Where my first words and sleepy eyes became alive and alert in seconds as his eyes engaged into mine. At that moment I wish I could of froze that moment forever, I was only with him for seven min. Six something in the morning and at this point Im running on maybe a hour of sleep and all I can hear are a stampede of footsteps in my room. The energy was a mixture of panic and urgency. The only words I remember hearing are youve got to get down there Zak had a rare condition in basic terms his stomach twisted inside of me his blood supply was cut off and his abdominal organs where liquified. His abdomen was expanded to the size of a full term baby. Our son beated two surgeries and a blood transfusion with the odds very much against him. This story doesnt have a ending its to be continued. Zakary was not only our son he is our strength. Zak showed me more strength in 11 hours than Ive seen in my life. I am thankful to have been able to at least see him with my own eyes, touch his delicate skin and have that moment that imprinted my heart when our eyes met for the first time. His story is not over because he will never be forgotten. His pieces are still apart of Erik and I that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. Every day that passes is a day where he makes me a little more stronger than the day before. Where ever he is I know he took our love with him in those last moments Erik and I where a physical form of love. In a time of facing the inevitable that time spent was purely focused on showing him loveThis experience has made me realize a lot of things both positive and negative about the life I was living before this happened. I only say this because I am not the same person. Its a new way of living because your trying to live for yourself while trying to continue living for the one you just lost. Im thankful Erik and I got to meet a beautiful baby boy that we will remember forever.
Posted on: Thu, 23 Oct 2014 14:15:58 +0000
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