Many people know this historical trivia but perhaps some dont. Here is a condensed version of the History of Mankind: Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of mans history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These two events were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1 . Liberals 2. Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain to produce it and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they stayed close to the brewery. Thats how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of the Liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as Girlie-Men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting (and voter fraud) to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided. Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the Elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the Jackass. Many modern day Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than the Liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and actresses, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasnt fair to make the pitcher also bat. Most Conservatives drink domestic beer, usually Bud or Miller .. but many prefer Kentucky Bourbon or Tennessee Sour Mash. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little to nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.. As previously stated, Liberals are Wimps and that is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. The Liberals crept in after the Civil War (as Carpet Baggers and Scallywags) and after the Wild West was tamed (as Pimps and Judges) and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends todays brief lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. Theyre also likely to talk about your Mother. Conservatives will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to piss them off.
Posted on: Sat, 24 Jan 2015 14:00:35 +0000
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