March 24, 2014 Greetings from the apocalypse, For thousands of years, the Mayan civilization thrived; creating international trade, inventing a written language, developing mathematics and astronomy. They developed successful agriculture to support millions. They built enormous, complex feats of architectural genius. They were successful in virtually every aspect of a large civilization. Then they vanished. It wasn’t until recently that archaeologists discovered the reason for the Mayan’s demise. A group of explorers found elaborate etchings on a temple wall. It was 64 brackets. March Madness ended the Mayan civilization. The NCAA, (not affiliated with MCAA, ASCAP or the NAACP) has launched another session of the final competition for the title of greatest college basketball team in the U.S. 64 teams, (68 technically, if you count the First Four) will progress through the Sweet Sixteen, the Elite Eight, the Final Four, and possibly other alliterations involving even numbers. Eventually one team will claim the championship trophy, a large iconic idol they keep in a sacred place. Then celebrate by vandalizing their home town. It is an exciting process. Not the basketball games. Talking about the Brackets. Some people spend so much time filling out the Brackets they can actually claim them as dependents on their tax return. Every year the media wheels out statistics that describe the loss of productivity due to March Madness that presumably costs American business billions of dollars. This is a made up number. In fact, March Madness only breaks up the loss of productivity due to Facebook and playing ‘Flappy Bird’. In order actually measure loss of productivity we would have to use Pre-Columbian standards which was the last time anyone was doing anything other than busy work in between water cooler gossip. The main activity during March Madness involves the Brackets. Poring over information, history, predictions, sports news about who is coaching, injured, or on double secret suspension. And then filling in the prediction for how each team will vanquish its various opponents and advance to ultimate victory. It’s estimated that more people fill out March Madness Brackets than vote in presidential elections or attend Daddy-Daughter Dances. Combined. Integral in the competition is the issue of ‘seeding’. Each team is assigned a seemingly random status which allows the organizers to create a more confusing schedule of games and gives the sports commentators something to talk about between commercials. The list of ‘adjectives for ‘upstart’’ is the third highest Google search during March, following ‘pizza delivery’ and ‘how to pronounce ‘Gonzaga’, (which is not a cheese; that’s ‘gorgonzola’). Seeding is critical. There is a committee who selects teams from each conference and ranks them according to an arcane and unfathomable system that includes charts with circles and arrows and perhaps human sacrifice. Originally the name of each team was printed on a grid and laid in a cage. A sunflower seed was placed on each name. A Coastal Carolina Chanticleer was released into the cage, and whatever kernel he pecked first, that team becomes first seed. Hence the term. Unlike other events of this sort, gambling is not allowed in college sports. Captain Renault would be shocked, shocked. The big news this year was a contest (not gambling) that had little to do with basketball. Warren Buffett, a professional billionaire, offered a billion dollars to the person who could predict the perfect March Madness bracket. (I don’t know how he got so rich singing ‘Wasted Away in Margaritaville’. ) The odds of actually winning were 9 quintillion to one. (A quintillion is a billion-billion, not a formal dance where debutantes go.) In spite of the daunting odds, millions of sports fans took a shot, hoping to be the upstart/dark horse/underdog/Cinderella story. The Mayans, first to create the concept of ‘Zero’ could have predicted the number of winners in this contest. All of this is fun of course. It is a basketball tournament meant to entertain, to distract us from Obamacare and the price of propane and that funny aftertaste from aspartame. It is just a game. Well, a lot of games. The reason it is called March Madness is: a) It causes people to get angry when a favored team loses. b) The hysteria around the sport resembles insanity. c) The term ‘April Asininity’ couldn’t clear CBS’s censors. d) ‘End of Civilization’ doesn’t sell t-shirts. Try not to worry about what happened to the Mayans. I’m sure that bracketology did not destroy one of the world’s most progressive societies. There’s no reason to think that we are at risk of extinction just because we paint our bodies, wear festive headdresses, dance maniacally, or gather together in large stadiums to watch games and worship idols. After all, it’s not like we are a primitive culture; we’ve got Wifi. As Jimmy V once said, parenthetically; “The real demise of our society will not come from brackets, but from parentheses.” (Attributed) Hope this finds you still in the game, David
Posted on: Mon, 24 Mar 2014 12:11:09 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015