Match Report: Jeffrey United Vs Athletico Dunfermline. MYSTERY continues to surround the disappearance of Malaysian Airways flight MH370, but it is known for a fact that it didn’t go anywhere near Leslie. Pretty much like half the Jeffrey team who were reported missing prior to this morning’s kick-off. Hopton, McKay, Thomson, Paterson, Laing, yes all the top players were missing, and Lee Greer wasn’t there either. It was reported however that most of the missing squad were last seen heading in a Westerly direction to a party at Thomson’s house the previous evening, which might explain the lack of personnel at the game. There are as yet no known sightings of these individuals, which might be just as well given the probable state of these chancers. Captain Grant McKay’s complete indifference to the Jeffrey cause is palpably clear as he thinks he’s got the top scorer award in his back pocket, and that he can afford to go swanning off on his jollies without any impact. Well today’s team display served to ram it right up him as goals were in such plentiful supply that even defensive midfielder and committed vegan Tofu took advantage of the ‘leeks’ in the defence and managed to ‘plant’ one in the ‘onion’ bag. (I promise no more of these puns next week, that’s shallot!!) The game kicked off in the ubiquitous Quarry Park howling gale that seemed to take the opposition by surprise. However, it seems the Jeff’s have got used to playing in these extreme conditions and have learned to master the art of running at a forty-five degree angle to minimize the force of the blast. Nevertheless after settling, Athletico’s magnificently bearded striker proceeded to wreak havoc in the Jeffrey defence with sprints that would’ve left Usain Bolt standing. However, other than those brief sorties into the Jeffrey half the game was largely dominated by the home team. The continued dominance paid off on the half-hour mark when Willie Campbell shot home to give the Jeff’s a well-earned lead. Seconds later Haigy slotted home the Jeff’s second with a goal that owed as much to the wind as it did to any assistance from his teammates. The ball appeared to hover in the air for more time than seemed naturally possible allowing the Haigster time to take control and slide in the Jeff’s second. On the forty-second minute mark Athletico’s Jackie Chan more than ably demonstrated his martial arts prowess on the unsuspecting Jeffrey, Jamie McNeil. With a flying kick aimed at McNeil’s nunchucks Chan’s intentions were pretty clear. However so were the Referee’s and the Big Boss showed him the Way of the Red Card and told him to Enter The Dressing Room. Head Coach Bissett was clearly incensed by this senseless action and was waving his Fists in Fury at the offending Athletican. Half-time: Jeffrey United 2 Vs 0 Athletico Dunfermline. With the extra man advantage and the assistance of Hurricane Wendy behind them, Jeffrey United pushed home their superiority and quickly added another within five minutes of the restart when recalled Jeff Rico slipped in United’s third of the morning. The team from Dunfermline continued to push forward despite their disadvantage and almost scored had it not been for Grant Fisher adopting his own two-footed mid-air Kung Fu style leap across the goalmouth to clear a certain goal off the Jeffrey line. Goalkeeper MacAskill was still obviously struggling from his recent injury and near death experience involving a pair of high heels, rubber underwear and some Vicks Vaporub. What folk get up to in their own time is none of my business. Jeffrey were by now piling on the pressure as the Dunfermline lads felt the effect of playing into the wind exacerbated by Chan’s early bath. On fifty-four minutes Willie C. added his second and Jeffrey’s fourth, and before I had time to finish writing it in the book, Jamie McNeil had added the fifth. HCB felt confident enough with the scoreline to rest some of his star players, but instead brought off Gourlay, replaced by the ever reliable BJ Inglis. Jeffrey’s were now firing in shots at will towards the unfortunate AD ‘keeper, some however were not so much off the target as off the radar. One such example seen star striker Campbell hoof one beyond the Quarry Park perimeter heading over the back road to Falkland. On any other day this “effort” would have secured him the Howling Arsehole award. But not today, oh no there was worse to come. On the seventy-first minute O’Hara scored Jeffrey’s sixth to ensure that everyone in the midfield and attack had scored a goal. Oops, not quite everyone as our man in the middle Richard Taylor hadn’t scored. Despite the whole team of attackers getting their name on the sheet Deek won today’s Keiran Thomson award for trying like a bear but not being successful on the scoring front. Then on seventy-four minutes Jamie McNeil sprinted down the left wing, passed a couple of defenders and placed the cross perfectly on a plate for young Farrance who’d just came onto the park. Another goal for the Jeffrey’s as the Main Stand erupted, but no, what’s this? The ball is sent over the bar from all of six inches, in a feat of unbelievability Farrance had rewritten the laws of physics and defied Newton’s theory on Universal Gravitation. Which can be defined by the mathematical equation F=HA, in laymans terms, Farrance equals the week’s Howling Arsehole Once the crowd had recovered from the Farrance phenomenon they were delighted to see Campbell complete his hat-trick with a deft little chip over the advancing ‘keeper, no mean feat in the wind by the way. Soon afterwards HCB made his last substitution and brought on Anderson for McNeil, mainly to prevent McNeil from dispensing retribution on the Athletico player who was winding him up. Bissett had seen enough martial arts for the day and called a halt, as did the Referee who blew for time shortly afterwards to conclude an emphatic Jeffrey victory. Overall, a very pleasing display by the Jeffrey’s particularly considering the number of regulars missing from the starting line-up. A strong, attacking performance largely driven by the excellent Taylor in the middle of the park who, for me, played by far his best game for the Jeff’s today. Final Score: Jeffrey United 7 Vs 0 Athletico Dunfermline Man of the Match: Any number of contenders today, Kip, Nobsy and Masson dependent as usual at the back, an excellent display by the tricky McNeil on the wing, and as mentioned Taylor who pretty much ran the show for the whole ninety minutes. However, with a hat-trick, a whole barrow-load of chances and numerous assists, the Man of the Match has to be Willie Campbell
Posted on: Sun, 16 Mar 2014 19:36:06 +0000
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