Middle School is almost over! Less than 3 weeks left.. we are counting it down as if it was going to be Christmas and she is 5! As I sip my coffee this morning and dread going off to the gym at 10:30.... I am thinking back to that crappiest of times and I give you more from my own Middle School Memoir. My Mom and Dad moved us from Down the Shore to Preppytown New Jersey in April of my 5th grade. What were they thinking? April? That left a month and a half of the school year to be stared at as if I was a one eyed - one horned flying toughskins wearing alien on Planet Izod. My fate was sealed when I walked into the school office and saw my New student buddy. She was a headgear wearing, Mensa member, oboe playing, violin virtuoso from French Canada. Tiny, freckled, blonde braided girl in homemade clothing. She was very sweet but I knew - to her - I was now her new best friend. She never left my side and for that month and a half - no one else spoke to me. School ended and a summer alone began. (She went up to Canada with her family and her oboe-phew) The summer before Middle School. 1981. I was all alone. I was depressed. This was the summer I found the library. This was the summer I read some of my favorite books. A Wrinkle in Time. The Narnia Chronicles. With no friends - I attached myself to those lives in those books and made them my friends. By August- My Mom was worried. She took me and walked me down the block from our rented house ....to the house of Stacy. She was in my grade and had been in my class and had never spoken to me. I lived in the same exact model split level as she did on the block except our rental had never been redone since it was built in 1965. We walked up the driveway past their Maserati as I said , mom, no. Mom, [please. Mom, I dont want to. Mom, You dont understand. Mom, this is pathetic. She rang the doorbell, it played O Sole Mio ..... holy crap. Stacys Mom answered. Hi! - We just moved in the down the block and my daughter was in your daughters class. Do you think they could spend some time together this summer? UHG!!!! I got a parental introduction! This was going to be awkward. We stepped into what I can only describe as a futuristic world of Fantasy Italian Formica in shades ofWhite!! White carpet and white sofa and gleaming white formica! She asked us to take our shoes off!! What!! In our brown shag world with brown plaid sofas and 70s versions of pioneer wagon wheel end tables...we never took our shoes off. It looked like formica heaven and all of the sudden I felt like I had to whisper. This was furniture church... this was like the Vatican of interior decorating. Stacy came down the steps from her room and when she saw me- I can only describe her face as ... totally repulsed. Ofcourse after knowing her for the next 5 years, I realized that was just her normal face, but at that moment. I was like a beggar for friendship and I stood in an all white living room in my tough skins and hole-y socks feebly waving hi. All I heard from her was oh. Up to her room we went. Her room was formica too. Turned out her family owned a furniture store on Rt 22- Formica Italia or something like that. Her bed was fit in to this formica box with built in drawers underneath! I had never seen anything like it except maybe on Buck Rodgers! They slept in something like that with a clear cover that zoomed down like a sleep capsule. I imagined that she had a capsule come down over her and somehow thats why her face was frozen into an expression that made me think I smelled bad. We sat in almost silence. I asked about her posters. You like Journey? Thats cool. I saw a million ribbons and trophies. You ride horses? I love horses too! Ive been on some trail rides. Smelly face. Thats all I got. Her Mom popped her head in the door and asked You girls having fun? I just invited Kelly to your birthday sleep over Saturday! Oh Crap. Who was more freaked? Her or me? She didnt want me there and I couldnt think of anything worse than spending a night in this round hole where I could not have been a squarer peg if I tried. Now I had to buy her a gift. Now I had to borrow my older brothers smelly itchy sleeping bag. Uhg. Holy crap what nightgown would I wear?? Saturday came after 4 days of me whining Mooooom. Why did you do this to meeeee? Mom and I carried my bags down the sidewalk....past that red Maserati....up to the door and rang that door bell. O Sole Mio - give me a break. It was a big gaggle of giggling 11 and 12 year old girls in the den. Less formica here...this is where they hid their shag carpet and old sofa. The Journey was blasting. The Go Gos were go going. And I walked in...and it was like a big scratch sound on the record player. Full Stop. oh. I thought maybe that was her way of saying hi at this point. OH! Hi! The room was a tense mix of girls Stacy was friends with and girls Stacy wanted to be friends with...so you can assume, as I did...I was not who she wanted at her party. I got the smells bad look all night. The nights events continued- boy talk, pizza, Atari - thankfully I was awesome at PitFall and could at least do something right here... We gave her our gifts. I got her Black Beauty and a horse poster that said Follow your dreams. I got a nice nose wrinkle and an oh. Then- it was time to get changed into pajamas. I was keenly aware of being the chubbiest girl in the room. Once I moved from the shore- where I never noticed it or was told that I was... everywhere I looked in Preppy town, I noticed it. I was rounder. I had boobs already. I was like the only one who hit puberty. Another thing to make me weird. My first offense of the evening - my night gown. It was from Sears, not the Short Hills Mall. It was baby blue with a white cartoon rabbit on it with a pom pom tail sewed on. It said Somebunny Loves Me. They got a lot of mileage out of that. I changed into it in the bathroom. Stacy had a big german shepherd with greasy fur. I love dogs, so I pet it- it was an easy friend. But I was getting allergic and my nose was filling up. I have a loud nose blow. I wish I didnt. While in the bathroom, I blew my nose and outside of the door, the room erupted in laughter. OH NO! They think that was a fart! Then I was too embarrassed to go out and stayed in too long til someone knocked and had to use the bathroom. I was in there so long- it was impossible to convince them it was NOT a fart. And I was too embarrassed to argue. Just one That was not a fart. I blew my nose. Endless laughter. They got a lot of mileage out of that. We got into our spots- elbow to elbow on the crowded den floor. I wanted to climb into the sleeping bag and zip it up all of the way and hide. Lets tell spooky stories! Lets play Light as a feather I had never heard of Light as a feather. A morbid game. The rules: One girl lays down- The person behind her head begins...Shes looking ill, Shes looking worse Its a chant that all of the other girls repeat. Call and answer. She is dying, and, finally, She is dead. Then each person puts two fingers from each hand under the girl. All around the girl. And says...light as a feather, stiff as a board Who do you think they wanted to die? Oh no. No. Not me, pick someone else. Itll be fun. CMon. - the girls Its my birthday -and I want you to do it. - Stacy Crap. As the chubby girl - the last thing I wanted was their fingers underneath me. It was going to be the worst moment of my life. You can imagine what it took for me to be able to say out loud You wont be able to lift me. Lay down They started with whispering the She is dying. I really did start to look worse as my eyes were tearing. Crap crap crap crap...... Light as a feather...light as a feather.... Stiff as a board...stiff as a board... light as a feather..... light as a feather... stiff as a board.... stiff as a board... I was chanting it in my head. Willing myself to be light as a feather. Their fingers dug into every spot that I hated on my almost 12 body. light as a feather... light as a feather.. stiff as a board... stiff as a board... At that one girl shrieked... They all pulled their fingers out in fake preteen fear. We lifted her! Oh my god! We did! It works!! Oh my God Kelly did you feel it? ---No. I did not feel it. I did not lift. Not at all. I think, they moved my pudge. Thank you pudge. It was the talk until people fell asleep. I was in the corner in my older brothers sleeping bag. The giant oily german shepard friend slept on top of me- farting all night. I couldnt breathe through my nose. But I lay awake knowing none of these girls would call for that last month of summer. I would enter 6th grade, middle school as new and unfriended as I had entered in April of fifth grade. I said over and over in my head for hours light as a feather...light as a feather...stiff as a board...stiff as a board.... until My Mom walked down the sidewalk the next morning and I went home. Never happier to see the brown shag carpet. I said that over and over in my head over the next few years. A mantra for what was to come. Some really bad stuff. But those are other chapters in my Middle School Memoir.
Posted on: Thu, 05 Jun 2014 13:44:37 +0000
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