Mindlessly self-deleting, it turns out, is addictive. And while these little accommodations have simplified some experiences, there is the gamble that my willingness to write myself out of my daily encounters will curb the potential for A Tremendous Me: big goals, big wants, and dreams I’ve left in the cold or, you know, crystallized into just that, the unattainable. I’ve often wondered if my friends whose identities have meshed more seamlessly with the world, who’ve never had to repeat their names in line for a coffee, say, are more readily encouraged to occupy ineffable spaces too. Like their future or the incommunicable load and levity, both, of ambition. There’s a type of inborn initiative that comes from having never been obligated to answer questions about the meaning of one’s name, or one’s country of so-called origin, or to explain that the way you look is generationally and geographically worlds apart from where you were born. For some of us, there has been an assumption since childhood that we must reply to a stranger’s inquiry on matters we ourselves struggle to have words for, let alone understand. When it comes to our identity, the ways in which it confuses or interests others has consistently taken precedent as if we are expected to remedy their curiosity before mediating our own. In this way, I’ve caught myself disengaging from myself, compromising instead of building aspirational stamina. While uncertainty about my future is of course not unique to me, I do marvel at the bounty of hesitation I have acquired over the years because I surreptitiously presumed potential was a dormant thing; that it only functions as a trait others see in me. I read this article a few weeks ago from a writer named Durga Chew-Bose. The article is called “How I Learned To Stop Erasing Myself.” I remember leaving Jamaica and my auntie saying to me that when I get to foreign I should just change my name because no one would ever pronounce it right. It’s a joke among friends now, but I definitely think like she said there were issues of self esteem and mindless self deleting at work. She talked about using her friends names at restaurants. It did get to a point that I stopped saying my name and just let people decide what they think it should be, and I think there is an acquiescence that comes with letting folks decide your name that directly equates with letting folks decide your identity.
Posted on: Tue, 06 Jan 2015 07:10:17 +0000
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