Miss you Melinda Jane. Our daughter is coming soon and I spend days and nights thinking about how i can be a better man for her mother. Im not perfect and I make mistakes I know Im a ::crazy AND I Im a little over the top I know I have a lot of weirdness along with a lot of energy and a lot of rambunctious stamina. I act like a child too often and I have a hard time knowing when to be serious and grow up. I picked the wrong battles and I fight too hard over the things that dont mean enough. Im guilty of being washed over with faces of self pity and remorse of self-doubt. I curse too much and I even lie about things sometimes so that I can get exactly what I want. I have a hard time taking responsibility for the things that Ive screwed up and mistakes that Ive made and the pain that Ive caused to other people. All of these things are not things that I want to give to my daughter but more importantly these things are not things that I want to give to her mother and unfortunately I believe that over the course of the last 6 months Ive passed too many of them along and Im sorry. Along with being sorry for the human mistakes that Ive made which undoubtably have hurt people often in the past and unfortunately a little too often in the present. But I do miss you that is real. Probably the most real anythings ever felt in the last 2 months without you because I love you and along with being all of those things and all of those shortcomings Ive been saddled with over my life there are other things about me that are true. For instance when I say I love you thats not entirely all of it when I say I love you I mean I hold the deepest most sincere feelings of respect longing infatuation desire and even lust in my heart for you and have since the moment that you first walked into my store. And in reality from the moment I first laid eyes on you 15 years ago. I tell you I love you because I do I call you my sweetheart because thats what you have the biggest sweetest heart of anyone Ive ever met you can never do any wrong you are an angel walking this earth and it has been my own stupidity and insecurity that has blinded me from realizing that fact even when its been blatantly displayed in front of me. We as men have a tendency to block out the kind hearted things that happen to us and special people that make us grow as humans and Im the most guilty of them all. But what I cant do as I cant give up and what I cant do is I cant give in because somehow over the last month the deepest darkest feelings of depression and fear and self-doubt and longing to be with you have all been answered BY my prayerS to God and he has allowed me to move on from these feelings THAT CRIPPLED ME he has allowed me to see things with more clarity and more structure than I quite possibly ever had. And although this is just a long list of words on the page it doesnt take away from my true feelings for you and I hope you know deep down from the bottom of my heart to the bottom of yours I cant ever give up I can never give up on you I can never give up on myself and I will never ever give up on that little girl thats coming to us shortly because you and the boys and her mean more to me than anything or anyone ever has. And thats why I can never give up I can never stop calling you sweetheart with love in my body and in my brain and in my heart because you are all of these things to me and more and regardless of what happens in the future I want you to know sincerely Im sorry and this man, with Christmas on the horizon, wants to tell you one thing and thats that I miss you and MJ I love you not from last nights of pain or from beauty not from pain not from longing not from wanting not from loneliness not from despair and certainly not from being without you. But simply because youre an amazing woman with an amazing heart unrelenting drive immutable beauty cotagoius charisma absolutely insane intelligence and a thirst and quench for life unlike anyone Ive probably ever met and these are the things that should have been said to you instead of at you and enough if Im lucky enough to have you read this I wonder if deep down at the bottom of that sweet heart of yours you could find a way to forgive a man that was lost but now is wanting to be found and a man that was full of fear and angst that has been calmed by god and the soothing thought of once re connecting with all those important in his life and most importantly the most important one in this life for me. YOU. I will not ask anything of you that you cannot give or provide as long as you do the same for me but what I will do is I will ask for you to give me one chance just one chance to show you that they arent words on a page their thoughts in someones head and that someone cares about you more than he ever thought possible and more than you ever thought possible because its true. Love alters its definition with time and that can be both good bad and daunting but I will not give up I wont give up on you I wont give up on the boys and the most important I wont give up on myself because we need me to be me and you to be you for that girl thats coming so reach down there really deep please for me an hold on and pull up that last little bit of remaining memory of the man that you met back in April because he didnt disappear he just took a trip and hes back and he really. WE really need u. I cannot sleep because you run through my mind all the time and this night is no exception this is the most honest I could ever be I love you I miss you and I want to be in your life in whatever capacity that will allow us to go both grow as humans but more importantly in whatever capacity is the best for the three children in our lives thank you for reading yours truly Bobby Archer. I miss you love you and adore you and always will so please dont forget the man inside the fear because like love as time progresses fear fades and all that is left is the man AND THE journey wil not define me my choices will and I choose betterm .....I choose hope and I choose love FOR GOD AND HIS WILL.
Posted on: Wed, 24 Dec 2014 12:16:57 +0000
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