Monday, 10 November 2008 9:10am It was on this day, this date, this month, at this time in 2008 that my life, as I knew it, was turned completely upside-down. Just 3 days earlier, I was looking down at my father; a man who, in my mind, was the epitome of an indestructible being. But now, he looked so defeated as he lay there weakened by this disease. Was it a coincidence that November is Lung Cancer Awareness month? Or does the universe just have a dark sense of humor? Whatever it was, this was too soon. I wasnt ready to say goodbye to the first man I loved. I wasnt ready to let go of the anchor of my existence. In my selfishness, I begged God to spare my father. Begged for just a few more years with him. Begged for him to be healed and made whole again. But as any believer knows, God doesnt work in our time. His Will, no matter how devastating the effects, will always be done. Id always understood and accepted this, but this time, I couldnt be any further from understanding and acceptance. On this day, this date, this month, at this time, my brothers phone rang. He said a few oks and mmmhmm and thank you. I pretended to be asleep because as long as Sebran Jr. didnt say what I knew he was going to say, then this wasnt happening. He woke me up and said three words that completely shook my foundation: Chaunsey, daddys gone. Although I knew it was coming, I couldnt process anything. As I got up and got dressed to go to the hospital, I was on auto-pilot. Its like I was outside of myself, watching me robotically go through the necessary motions. The rest of this week was internal hell. I thank the Lord for giving my brother the strength to take care of arrangements. I couldnt function. I couldnt eat. I couldnt sleep. I didnt talk. I didnt think. All I could do was question God and cry because of course, there were no answers provided. His funeral was the worst day of my life. The fact that I remember every single detail of that day is torturous. On this day, I learned that its impossible to cry yourself dry. They say that everything gets better with time. That all hurt is relieved and healed if you just wait. Well, 6 years later, Im still waiting. It hasnt gotten easier. At all. Im still waiting. My father was everything to me and in a few short months, I watched my everything become nothing. To this day, I still pray for understanding and total acceptance. Im still waiting for the Lord to restore that. But as any believer knows, God doesnt work in our time. Therefore, I pray and I wait and I cope and I deal. I dont have any regrets about the time that I was afforded with my father. I talked to him EVERY day and he loved me with every breath, right up until his last one. I know this in my heart and soul and that is what provides me the strength needed to keep going. Dont go a day without letting your loved ones know just how much you love them. Once plucked from the soil, a flower dies. We are all flowers in Gods garden. Dont wait until a flower is picked to appreciate its beauty.
Posted on: Mon, 10 Nov 2014 15:04:01 +0000
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