Morning November 3rd, 2014 The last eleven months our little family unit has done remarkably well dealing with the loss of our daughter, wife, and mother, Kendra. We have had little conflict. When there has been disagreement we have managed to talk to each other. The important thing to remember is that agreement on certain subjects does not have to be unanimous. We are three different people dealing with our loss in sometimes very different ways. There is always the chance that what one feels or does to handle their situation may affect one of the others in ways that cannot be predicted. There is no wrong in our grief, there is no proper way to deal with everything. We just have to be respectful of each other. For instance, it seems tears have become a way for me to release feelings and emotions I have about the various things that come up in my life from time to time. Ed and Shirley will cry, but they usually don’t cry as publically as I do. I am extremely uncomfortable crying whether it is in front of someone or by myself. I have accepted that I am going to cry at times. That doesn’t make it any easier to cry. I know sometimes my tears have an effect on Shirley and Ed, though they will tell me it is alright. If I cry in front of Myrtle our boxer, she will come over to me and try and get as close to me as she can. Meredith sometimes senses that something is not right and because her mental and emotional development is still pretty primitive, I try not to cry in front of her if I can help it. The journey has so many facets. These aspects are complicated and how they fit together is hard to understand if I am in the moment of a strong experience or anyone else is going through a difficult time. Feelings can be hurt extremely easily and we have to be very aware of how we might come off sounding to each other. Feelings do get hurt, but we have to realize this is all part of the journey. Tests come all the time not only in disagreement, but in agreement as well. When I do talk, I talk too much. It’s like a flood gate has opened. Shirley and Ed, not so much. They hold their feelings closer to themselves. I hope that both of them have people to talk too. I am pretty sure they do. One other thing that I feel is vital to the health of our relationship is that not all we each feel is the business of the each other or others. We walk a perilous journey trying to heal and trying to figure out who we are now that part of us is missing. It is hard enough to figure out who we are individually. Trying to reassemble our relationships with each other is tedious and I think it is something that has to be done with great care and love for each other. None of us want our relationships to end. The potential for harm though is great, because we don’t fit together like we did before. It is like reassembling a puzzle with pieces missing. One will still be able to see the picture, but it is not completely understandable, it has large vacant areas. No matter how much we try and be what we were before, we can’t do it. What I understand is that making large decisions is not one of my strengths right now. And maybe we all should take our time to make decisions so that we can see the choices we have more clearly. Making a decision in the moment, on impulse could be a great regret later. I had a lot of things lined up to do before we lost Kendra. Now, I am looking at those things with a different mind. We have to give each other time… time measured in our own way, not each other’s idea of time to make changes. That is not easy to do and if you think people agree on how to move forward, you better think again. There is no right way, except for one thing. Avoid the sudden change, it can be devastating. Again, time measured in my mind might be different from Shirley or Ed’s idea of time. Understanding how we each look over our needs and decisions has in most cases kept us from being in conflict with each other. With each of us there are boundaries concerning certain topics. We didn’t come by those boundaries because we are psychic. We are going to hurt each other’s feelings sometimes. The important thing to remember is that we can find a way to get through our grief and move on to healing if we listen to each other. Oh, if that means agreeing all the time, nothing would get done. Agreeing to disagree has to be honored and once that has happened, the subject in question has to be off limits until all parties are ready to address the subject again… or not. It is dangerous for me to write my feelings sometimes because the greatest harm I could cause is to Shirley or Ed if they didn’t understand my intent. I remind anyone that reads this, I write here to clear my mind, to heal my heart and this is only my view, not anyone else’s view. Shirley and Ed don’t have to agree with me, and they have at times told me they didn’t see things the way I see things. Its okay, it’s acceptable. We all are trying to purge the poison of pain and weariness we feel. I might not be doing things the way that is good for someone else. So, don’t look at what I write here as a treatise on healing. What works for me… you know the rest. There is so much more I could say. Some join groups that help with grief. Some become active in a cause that they believe in strongly. Some see a therapist. There are a lot of things one can do to help themselves. The most important thing in my mind to do is to not lose the connection I have with my family. We will never be the same again, but we will be bonded by what we did together and how we supported each other. That is unshakable and it is one of the few things that I hold close that came out of all the mess we lived through in Birmingham. The family exists for many reasons, but its most basic function may be to draw together after a member dies.” ― Stephen King Don’t let grief tell you how to live. Live so that your grief does not take away the ones that love you now. God is good and in His time gives us grace in doses that heal the sickness of loss. Dad
Posted on: Mon, 03 Nov 2014 12:15:00 +0000
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