My New Normal This post is written in response to Linda Ridgeway’s request on how do I get through the holidays. I wasn’t sure I could answer that question as I am new to this widow thing myself. When I thought about how many of my friends and relatives have lost a husband or brother or father this past year, I realized maybe I do have something to offer, only in that I am one step ahead. So here goes, my new normal. Thanksgiving This is not too bad for me. We are getting together as a family as we always do. The circle was a little smaller last year without Miles. But I was thankful I had new things to occupy my thoughts. Last year, I was getting ready to go on a mission trip to Nicaragua. Yes, I had even started dating again. This year I am nearing the end of my first year of my master’s degree in healthcare administration. Tori is newly engaged and will be bringing a new member into our family. Jenni is home from Washington D.C. I am thankful she made it safely. I am thankful for my health and my job, my friends and my family. I will smile, then cry, then smile again when I think about Miles. But that’s ok. Tears are not terrible. How terrible it would be if I didn’t miss him anymore. You all better miss me when I’m gone. And be thankful we spent time together, caring for one another. Anniversary Miles and I got married right after Thanksgiving. This year our wedding anniversary fell before the holiday. I went to the grave the night before to see if there was anything I needed to clean up or fix. I love Moore’s Chapel Cemetery in Bath. James’ headstone was in place, just down the row from Miles’. Looked like two bookends, waiting for the space in between to be filled. Weepy on and off all weekend. Couldn’t indulge too much, however, I had two writing assignments due before midnight. Ok. If there is a secret, this is it. There is no secret. Life goes on. Some days are better than others, some days are important and you cry. AS YOU SHOULD. But then you stop crying and keep living your life, putting one step in front of the other. Look for something really important for you to do. Try something you always wanted to do. I took singing lessons, and went on a mission trip. Make your life worthwhile. Find your new normal. Christmas This is holiday has been the thorn in my side since I got married. I always wait to the last minute to decorate and then either I have time or I don’t. And when I do decorate, I leave the stuff up until Easter. Remember when I bought presents at Revco Christmas morning the first year I was married because I had been on call 3 days straight and was just released that morning? We had bought a tree right before that stretch of call with my $25 cash bonus. I still have some of the decorations. Sometimes we didn’t even have a Christmas tree. And not because we couldn’t afford it. Hey, why did it have to me to put the darn thing up? One year I bought 2 small trees fully decorated from charity silent auctions. Another year we had a live tree that only got soccer ball light placed on it. I am more of a Puritan when it comes to Christmas. I don’t see the need to put a lot of importance on one day to celebrate the birth of Christ. Up all night wrapping presents, stuffing stockings. I always felt so rushed when we opened stockings, then to my parents for presents and brunch, and then his mom’s for dinner and presents. (Don’t get me wrong here. I love you guys. But it was stressful. I would rather be on call and have a good excuse not to do any of it.) I even took a week of locum tenens in Hayden, Kentucky at Christmas one year. Reminded me of the times when we used to go to Houston for Christmas and stayed in furnished rentals units, making makeshift Christmas decorations. So I should be ok with this sudden downsizing, right? Wrong. We didn’t feel like celebrating; Tori and I decided not to have a tree last year. We just put the stockings up. Kinda pathetic actually. I think we will have a tree this year. Every Christmas is different for me, so I’m not sure what is normal. Maybe one year I will volunteer at the homeless shelter. Maybe I will travel at Christmas. This year for the first time ever since my second year of medical school, I am taking the week off. Maybe I should have done that more often when Miles was alive and the girls were little. Regrets of what I should have done, I know they are useless. Now I know when I see something I should do, I am going to do it. Not having a “tradition” makes it only slightly easier now. Birthday Miles’ birthday is at the end of January. His best friend, Peter Allcorn, and I showed up at Miles’s grave with gifts. (Natalie may have been there, too.) He had scotch and I had cookies. We drank the scotch and ate the cookies, leaving a little of both at the grave. He would have liked them both….at the same time. Pete, I will be there again this year. March 6 This is the day Miles died. I am not going into the days leading up to this. Now, looking back, I realize how horrific it was. It was such a relief for the suffering to be over. I am blessed to know that there is life after death, where all pain is wiped away and we are made whole and perfect in bodies indestructible by age and disease. I am still bound by this earthly life but my husband has gone to a better place. I am crying now, let me grab a tissue. You know how they say don’t do anything or make any important decisions until a year has passed after your spouse dies? Well I made the mistake of canceling cable and getting DirecTV the next day. I must have been irrational. I realized later I violated that important rule, and so I didn’t do it again. When I was given a new contract at work in October of that first year, I was reluctant to sign it. So I didn’t, since I still had time on my old contract. I felt so much better after I made that decision, like a weight was lifted off my mind. When I got back from trip to Nicaragua early December, there was a letter of termination without cause, waiting on my computer at work. (Also a part of my old contract.) When I returned from practicing in Kentucky (another story for another time), I had promised my patients I would stay until the end. I was unhappy with my job but never would have left because of that promise. I was also thankful to my employer for keeping me working and employed while Miles’ was ill and I wanted to work hard to recoup their investment. After my initial shock, I realized I was okay with this turn of events. So I asked to resign instead. 90 day notice from the date on the letter? March 6. Exactly one year later. Time to move on. God has a plan. Time to find my new normal.
Posted on: Thu, 28 Nov 2013 07:11:14 +0000
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