My Story By: April Grisham Born in Alabama 1980 was the year Had two loving parents Who held me very dear My grandfather passed in 86 I was only five years old It really broke my heart I cherished him like gold My parents got divorced The year was 1988 I was too young to understand it Ill never forget that date Both of them remarried We moved to Tennessee I really didnt want to But I adapted happily I started a new school It went really well Made lots of new friends Then everything went to hell It was a Wednesday morning The 15th of November The day that changed us all A day well always remember He walked into our school Shot 2 teachers and my friend We all saw things we shouldnt have After that, I began to descend People thought I handled it well Ive always been good with masks But it changed me forever I was sinking fast Then one day I was with a friend He asked me to try a hit He said it would help me I didnt want to, but I did At that very moment I felt a weight being lifted That one hit was all it took Far away I drifted This went on for many years My family had no clue Again, Im good with masks Everything I thought I knew I experimented with many things But was always able to just stop I thought I was just having fun But an addict? I was not! I got high when I was happy I got high when I was sad I got high when I was angry Yet I thought, Im not that bad. Then in December 2004 I received a call from my Dad He said it was my little brother I knew that it was bad My little brother was my angel I helped to raise him & watched him grow My love for him is indescribable I could never tell him No So we went to all these doctors Waiting on an answer Then we got the news My baby brother had brain cancer We all were really shocked All I could do was cry In the chapel of the hospital Screaming at God, WHY?! He was just 11 at the time And the night before his surgery He said, God, let my illness lead people to You Down on his little knees He went through 2 brain surgeries Radiation and strong chemo Kept a smile on his face His faith continued to grow The treatment worked well He became cancer free We all were so grateful But my addiction got the best of me In 2007 I got pregnant And got clean for awhile Not because I wanted to I did it for my child I had a C-section So the doctors prescribed me pills I didnt think anything of it But I sure liked the way they made me feel Fast forward 4 years later I was up to 40 or more a day I realized I was an addict When the choice was ripped away One day I woke up as usual Looked at my son in bed Tears ran down my face I knew his Mommy would soon be dead So, hands shaking & scared to death I picked up my phone I finally realized I couldnt do it on my own 2 days later I went for help It was so hard to leave my son But I knew I had to do it If I wanted to be done I was there almost 3 months The first 3 weeks I wanted to leave All these feelings were coming back And I had to learn to grieve Was it easy? No it wasnt. It was one of the hardest things Ive done Was it worth it? Absolutely! Because now I can be a mother to my son I did really well for awhile Went to meetings, worked all 12 Steps Sponsored many women Learned a lot about myself I know the literature inside & out Of NA and AA both I learned how to deal with things And experienced tons of growth My relationship with God grew stronger I gained true peace of mind Something I had never had But it took a lot of time At 2 years clean my recovery began to evolve And went in a different direction Theres not just one way to recover I needed time for self reflection Then life showed up full force Lost 2 jobs & had to move My brothers cancer came back Nothing was seeming to improve My brother had brain surgery again This time it didnt go well I watched him almost die It was living hell He finally came home after 3 months Of being in Texas in ICU But he requires 24/7 care Due to everything he went through He can function well physically But his short term memory is gone So because of his confusion He cant be left alone So she can care for him at home His mom is off work unpaid The medical bills are outrageous Weve prayed & prayed & prayed Then to top it all off The icing on the cake I found out I might have cancer How much can one person take?! People have been so cruel to me Calling me a scam-artist & a liar Continuously judging me & putting me down My stress just keeps getting higher & higher Bill collectors calling my phone relentlessly And even knocking on my door Then my grandmother was put in the hospital I just couldnt take anymore! So one day I made a stupid decision And chose to relapse I just wanted to escape And get away from all the traps Today I do not regret that decision Because I used to always say, I just dont understand relapsers And how they can just throw their recovery away! Today I completely understand God taught me how to see He allowed me to make that choice And used it to humble me Ego can be a deadly thing What they say is true Dont judge anyone elses recovery Because it can happen to you, too!! Recovery is not about how much time you have Its about honesty, tolerance, & love Learning that life is a gift To not look down, but look above I might have lost my clean time But I didnt lose my recovery Im actually grateful that it happened Because it showed me things I needed to see None of us is better than anyone else Whether you have 10 years or 1 day Were all fighting the same battle This disease wont go away I used to think it wasnt a disease Now I know that I was wrong It sneaks up on you like a thief And tries to convince you youre not strong It tells you youll be fine It lives inside your head It tells you that you need it But it only wants you dead I dont know whats going to happen But one thing I know for sure We must keep our recovery FIRST Because this disease has no cure But we are very fortunate Because with our disease, we have a choice We can CHOOSE whether we recover or not For that we should rejoice! I dont know if my brothers mind will be restored I dont know yet if I have cancer But I do know one thing for sure Getting high or drunk is not the answer! To those of you that read this Im so sorry its so long But writing is my medicine It helps to make me strong I want you all to know something If you dont remember anything else Everything I do on here is out of love I just want to encourage and help So this is my LONG story For those of you that care Please know that youre not alone Thanks for letting me share. I picked this up and it made me think of some special friends we love each of you. You know who you are.
Posted on: Mon, 19 Jan 2015 01:47:48 +0000
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