My classification and my diagnosis doesnt define me, Ive been diagnosed with lots of things from lots of doctors, they only hear a part of my story and they hear my problems and do not know my accomplishments or my real baseline. I hear people whisper about me but to be honest what people say about you is none of your business. I know that Denial is not just a river in Egypt and acceptance is more important than denial. Unfortunately or fortunately, you have only heard a part of my story. Mood disorders and Mental Health Problems for me are simple - I have been depressed more than once and I have been high more than once, I went to the hospital voluntarily seeking help and I became pressured due to the circumstances. Im not going to have a pity party for the rest of my life - it is what it is. I have post traumatic stress from what happened to me in my life and I deal with it in a way that I will rationalize because thats what all people do because they dont like to deal with cognitive dissonance. Mental health problems are similar to other diseases like cancer, diabetes, obesity, or any other problem for that matter- its just I think too much and I care too much. We like to think it is weakness because we feel as if it is out fault but mental health problems are real and sometimes out of our control. I have made mistakes but they do not define me, I learned from every experience and I hope that today will be better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today, there are good days and bad days - everybody goes through their ups and downs - mine were rather extreme because I am a passionate, sensitive, idealistic person. When I do something I do it to the best of my ability. I am not afraid to be happy I am not afraid to be sad, if people judge me for who I am then that is fine. I have my family that loves me, I have my friends that love me (most of the time), and I am happy to be alive. Dr. Seuss says it best, be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind dont matter and those matter dont mind. But to take it one step further, we live in an individualistic society - so people rarely truly care about you unless it benefits themselves. I wake up everyday and I thank God (as i understand a power greater than myself) that I am alive because I easily could be dead, and I say the serenity prayer while i meditate/pray/exercise/do yoga/do tai chi/ brush my teeth/ take a shower/ or whatever my first activity is - God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change the Courage to Change the Things I Can and the Wisdom to Know the Difference. I have been through a great deal of stress whether real or in my mind and I have fought a lot of battles both figuratively and literally. Some people view their problems as wars or battles and they hold a great deal of anger, fear and resentment. I like to take one day at a time and live my life in the moment each day to the fullest. I used to hate to quote Art of War (even though it is probably the greatest piece of literature) but I learned war so I can keep the peace. I have an active, unquiet mind but I am mindful of it and practice mindfulness everyday. Will I do this perfectly? No, but nobody told me I have to be perfect. The only thing I was told is that I have to show up and I have to do my best - not be THE best. All I can do is prepare myself for the future I cant dwell upon it and I cant dwell upon the past. I can make predictions about the future but I cant predict the future - I am not in control of other peoples actions only mine. I can tell you what I heard the weather is going to be, but I dont know what tomorrow brings. I think Ludwig Wittgenstein says it best to paraphrase - words can only explain so much. But I also like Einsteins feelings on the matter and W.I. Thomas - If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences. I have found healthy outlets for the holes that I feel. An important person in my life really says it best to paraphrase - when you get to heavens gates, God doesnt look at you, God only sees your scars. There is a great deal more to the story such as stressors and other factors that I dont share with my doctors or really anybody, I just share it with my close circle of friends and family. Words cant express how much I care. Also I wrote this letter that is pretty relevant - writerhymesigoblind.blogspot/p/suicide-prevention-letter.html and my research is on human behavior so I overanalyze EVERYTHING - humanevolutionbehavioralsystems.blogspot/ My ego died a long time ago - not that I think I ever had a HUGE ego, but growing up in this place called Great Gatsby I mean Great Neck goes hand in hand with a sense of entitlement, but my self-esteem is strong and I like to inspire others. I used to think that my life was over I could never make up for all the horrible things I had done, but then I realize I have a clean canvas to work with. I am very grateful for all the opportunities I have had and I am very proud of my accomplishments but I also know that pride is the sign of a foolish man. So my disease/disorder/ailment it doesnt matter what you call it has given me great insight into the world and specifically my life and my struggles. Im not going to pretend like Ive had some spiritual awakening but I know I am on this planet for a reason and I am going to do my best to inspire others. My disease as it manifests itself in me has allowed me to be very selfish even if i was doing selfless acts. Im not going to pretend like I have all the answers, Im young and I have so much to learn and experience, but I am very fortunate for everything that has happened to me and I gain strength from the people around me. So if for today you cant live for yourself, live for the person next to you, live for your brother, your sister, your mom, your mom, your dad, your great aunt, your grandmother, your grandfather, that kid down the block. Just keep living and stop lying. White lies can be the most painful because you think you are doing the right thing but in the end just causing more harm. Brutal honesty isnt easy, but you dont have to be brutally honest with other people you only have to be brutally honest with yourself. Fortunately, as humans, most of us have a quality called empathy and we like to think we can walk a mile in someone elses moccasins, but fortunately for us as Humans we CAN NOT. We have no idea what our teammates have been through, we have no idea what our parents have been through. We have no idea what our brothers, our sons, our daughters, our sisters or the kid down the block has been through. We have no idea what that homeless person on the street has been through. All we know is what we have created in our minds, and wow do we have the power to create and destroy. One of Newtons Laws discusses Entropy - which is a very COMPLEX subject that people like to simplify. Simplifying a complex subject is often one of the most COMPLEX things. As time moves forward we believe we are moving towards complexity, we believe we are moving towards PERFECTION, but as time passes the only thing that is happening is matter and energy (in our Universe) are being conserved. Life is like a circle whether you want to look at the way Rust looks at in True Detective or Rob Schneider looks at it in an Adam Sandler movie. When we zoom in we believe the Earth is Flat - people tell you everyday the earth is round, we live in this dimension of space and time, but oh boy if we really zoomed out it would scare you because you would be minimized to nothing- you would me minimized to an ant marching and our Humancentric views and our pride and our ego doesnt allow us to do that. Because if you kept on zooming out this beautiful globe becomes a circle and if you kept on zooming out this beautiful circle becomes a dot and if you kept on zooming out this beautiful circle becomes a spec, and you dont want to know what happens if you kept on zooming out. Einstein says it best, there are two things that are infinite in this world the Universe and Human Stupidity. But I know he was just kidding when he said that because Einstein really believes that the human brain is more complex than the universe. So take care of your brain because you are only given one, the body heals, and if you dont like spirituality then listen to what people have to say and then keep on living your life. Life is like... Life. Life is like... a beach. It is what it is. The World is round. The world is flat. The world is a circle - it depends on your perspective. And we look up at the sky and we believe that Darkness is winning, but if you look a little closer you realize that at first there was only darkness so if you ask me, the light is winning. Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles says it best. To secularize the quote I use the quote as it is said in Coach Carter: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond [all] measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child... Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory... that is within us. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Try for a moment to live life today, and instead of say I am.. Great say I am a brother, I am a sister, I am a son, I am a daughter or whatever you really are in relation to others. For today, try to live for someone else but continue to be brutally honest with only one person- your self.
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 10:13:52 +0000
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