My mom is spending her last weekend in the hospital. Her plan is to load up Tuesday evening and head home with me. This was our plan for Saturday September 13th. She was coming home with me that Saturday and most likely go to her house Sunday September 14th because her recovery was to be only a few days. Well that didnt go quite right... I am not sure how I would have been taking my mom home that September 13th if I could have. Yep, that probably sounds strange but let me explain. You see, my mom had been diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer about a month prior, and I had anxieties about her cancer like nothing I had ever experienced. I dont know why! Endometrial Cancer typically is Type I which is very curable (moms actually turned out not to be this) but I did not know this at that time and I was full of worry, anxiety and true despair. My anxiety kept me up at night and made me rattled during the day. One night, I awoke and went to my closet and cried as hard as I could, covering my head with a shirt I pulled off a hanger. I thought I had gotten it all out and surely I would be better but hours past and here my anxiety and worry came upon me again. I know my close friends were aware of my anxiety. I know they were aware of my despair but they could not cure me and this made it all the worse for me. I was looking for an answer to put me to rest. I recall one week prior to my moms hysterectomy I called her at 10:30pm at night and told her that I needed God to listen to me. I also recall thinking to myself, (I dont think I said it out loud to her) but I did not think He could fix anything now. You see the very word CANCER makes me anxious. I felt like He had ruined my life with placing CANCER within my mom and I would never ever find peace whether she was said to be cured or not. Yes. This is where I was. I think my mom had even ask some of her friends to pray for ME. What in the world..... Well pride is not taught. It is a sin that comes quite naturally. I realize now, that I was so very busy trying to be self sufficient. I was not willing to trust God. I was not willing to be dependent because at that point I would lose control and I COULD NOT LOSE CONTROL. On September 14th the day my mom was SUPPOSE TO leave my home and head to her home after her hysterectomy BUT she actually never got to my house by was rolled into the hospital Cath Lab for the 2nd time that weekend. She would then over the next weeks undergo that angiogram, 6 surgeries, 2 weeks on a ventilator, Acute Respiratory Distress, Emergency Bronchoscopy, arterial clots, venous clots, nearly 50 blood transfusions, wound care for a leg that was cut wide open on the right side and cut wide open on the left side and left wide open for just short of 2 months, wound care for an abdomen that was cut open from her pubic bone to her chest and was left open (1/2 foot deep initially) just short of 2 months, and rehabilitation for a limb that has been greatly damaged. On September 14th God continued to be beside my mom, just as He had been the hours and weeks before. He also continued to be beside me and I quietly let go of my pride starting then. 1 Peter 5:6-7 says Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your care on Him because He cares about you. You see, me not trusting God with my very important CARES was arrogant and prideful. I was not going to escape this pain I was in. I am not sure September 13th when I was to take my mom home following her hysterectomy that I would have been freed from my pride/anxiety. I know if you have been following this FB page that you saw one of my earlier posts about singer Chris Tomlins Jesus Loves Me. In that song, it says He is For Me. This simple truth means so much to me. It means He CARES FOR ME. I figure a few hundred people have told me this during my life. I know the song Jesus loves me this I know. But my anxiety/pride/fear had gotten so big that the simplest of truths were difficult for me to truly know. The day I surrendered this entire situation was the lowest of days and at the same time the highest of days. It was the day the birds paid me a visit, along with a whole cascade of comforts. I am not sure I would have been open to Gods empowering outpouring presence if I would not have been so low, not able to see myself out of the situation. This page isnt about me but it is difficult for me to not share with you my testimony. It is difficult not to share the good and the bad. As crazy as it might be to some of you, I am a doctor by trade. I treat various medical conditions including anxiety daily. Doctor heal thy self right???? This doctor could not. She needed to lower herself and become completely reliant upon the Great Physician. He heals! He healed me. I believe my mom has been cured. I believe He performed several miracles during September concerning my mother. He performed miracles outside my mothers physical condition. He heals! Before I close I also would like to say I dont praise God for what he did for me because my mom still lives. Of course, I praise Him for this everyday!!! If you knew all the details you too would agree it is a complete miracle that she is alive. And this is ONLY because of Him. But I also praise Him because He loved me. Me, a very sinful, self reliant being. There is an old hymn that most people know called Just as I am. There is a newer version that has kept the old hymn but has added a bridge in the middle of the song that truly meets me. It singings: I come broken to be mended. I come wounded to be healed. I come desperate to be rescued. I come empty to be filled. I come guilty to be pardoned by the blood of Christ the Lamb. And Im welcomed with open arms praise God, just as I am. So, this Tuesday, November 18th I will take my mom home. I dont know how I would have felt taking my mom home if I could have September 13th as I was suppose to, but I have no doubt how I feel bringing her home this November 18th. HUMBLED. Grateful, loved, content, peaceful, dependent upon God. We are pushing for this discharge date because Wednesday I will be taking her to see an Oncologist to discuss her cancer. Cancer that we feel has been cured but will find out more detail on Wednesday. This week I ask for prayer concerning this visit and of course for the transition to my home. God is constant and He cares for us. He is for us.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Nov 2014 15:06:17 +0000
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