My previous post was long, but I think Ive stumbled onto one of the most important realizations Ive had in a while (thus justifying the value of the occasional free association/rambling session, in realizing important truths). Opening up this area within me now, to look at it more closely, and I see that a part of me has felt for many years that if one of the women I fellin love with had only fallen in love with me, I would be reconnected to the flow of life and community, and know by her acceptance and love for me that I was OK again, and could be welcomed back into the community. Especially with those women -and I see now there have been several- who have been integral members of the community themselves, service oriented and caring about people, which is much of why I loved them in the first place (and love that part of myself, that loves people, and desires to be in close connection with them). Its no accident that Ive been drawn towards women with those qualities, though Ive had meaningful connections with women who were more private and detached as well, and loved them deeply as well, and learned from them. Realizing as I ponder this, that since so many women are social beings, for whom community is deeply important, that my DEEP wound of separation from community and family before puberty set me up for failure in many of my romantic pursuits that came later. Because its inherent part of many of the socially aware and plugged-in women Ive loved, and resonated with deeply, to value community connections above perhaps anything else in their lives, and be drawn towards others who do, as well. My struggles in that area have been a huge detriment to me, in being accepted by the women Ive sincerely and deeply loved, and I need to focus on healing the alienation I feel from community, that runs SO deep and has hurt me so much, for its own sake, and because that will allow women who otherwise love me and care about me deeply (and even, are attracted to me, because lets face it, Im cute :O), feel confident and comfortable with me, knowing Im plugged into the community as they are, and living a life of connection and making a difference in the lives of others. Ive ALWAYS been service oriented, and being separated from that is a source of major pain, its a question of being able to believe that who I am and what I have to offer is genuinely wanted and appreciated by others. If its not, its back to the example of Cains offerings being rejected by God, which caused his countenance to fall. Feeling accepted and wanted by others in community, quirks and all, raises my countenance back up to where it should be, where I hold my head high, feel loved and appreciated, and feel all of the motivation within me come alive again, and share my gifts with the world, with all of the love and compassion my suffering my have taught me, to really make a difference. That said, its amazing how one person... how one woman... simply by her willingness to believe in the good in me, and see whats really in my heart, and all I have to offer that I want to give, can be a bridge between my pain and alienation from community, and the rich life of connecting with others that is my True nature, for if someone I love and respect SO deeply, who cares so much about others can recognize the goodness in me, and love it, I can believe that others will as well. It works both ways, Im realizing-that connection with community leads to opportunities for romantic love and intimacy... and a romantic and/or deeply loving connection with one person, who has so much value in my eyes, and in my heart, is literally like being accepted back into the fold of life, and feeling like the arms of the world are open to me again, and want to give me a nice big hug. Theres no price that can be put on something like that, it means everything... because all of my lifes energy and potential has been locked up behind that alienation I need to heal, to claim my rightful place in the flow of life again!! Even though shes not in love with me, having an angel like her, whos stood by me when others no doubt thought she was crazy for doing so, reminds me that Im worthy of love and goodness after all, and inspires me with a gratitude that I cant even express in words. Shes human as well, so not to put her on a pedestal, but when one of the finest human beings Ive ever known, who attracts a lot of exceptional people into her life because of the goodness of her own heart, and her sincere caring for others, hangs in there with me, while others keep their distance, helping reconnect me with the best parts of myself, and my love for others as well, its not hard to understand why I would love her. Coming full circle, however, for me to expect any woman who is so community-oriented, no matter how much she may love me, to see me as a romantic partner when my own connection with community, and my place in it is as strained as it has been, is probably not realistic, and since as I said before, the injury of being ripped from peers and family happened before I even reached puberty, its my desire to feel part of community (and experience that in my own heart), that should be my goal... and romance in my life will follow naturally, when Im back in the flow of Life again where I belong. Another long post from Fred... whod have guessed? Im thinking that looming heart surgery might be bringing up a few things... and in that unlikely event I didnt survive, Id only have a month or less to let the world know who I am...so why wear masks???
Posted on: Fri, 14 Mar 2014 19:39:13 +0000
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