My relationship with cancer Im often asked how I have the energy to continue my fight against cancer and Ive never felt able to give an answer that people seem to understand. Today I was out walking and it occurred to me that maybe there was a way I could express myself, so here goes. Firstly I am NOT fighting cancer. There is no fight or battle or war. Im not a victim. This seems to be the bit that people struggle with so I will try to explain. Think of someone that annoys you, offends you, that you cant abide or hate. Maybe they are a relative, or a colleague, or your partners best mate or your best mates spoiled brat of a son. Someone you cant avoid and will bump into on many occasions but who gets your hackles up on sight. What do you do about it? One approach is to confront them, challenge their behaviour, antagonise them or start a fight. Maybe this time you win the argument but you walk away feeling angry and having made an enemy. The next time you meet them there is more hostility and you have to fight harder to win your battle and there is the fear that maybe next time you wont be strong enough to be the winner. Maybe your opponent will find reinforcements, or catch you on a bad day, or maybe simply (heaven forbid) they are right and you are wrong. This method uses a lot of energy and stirs up a lot of emotions that all have to be dealt with. Maybe you come to dread walking into the pub in case they are there, or start to avoid family get togethers. I chose not to go down that route. I need every bit of energy I have to look after myself, to stay positive, to enjoy my life despite the restrictions on what I can do. I dont have the energy to waste on a fight. So I chose not to fight. I cant lose a battle I havent started so I dont have to deal with the fear of defeat. Just like we cant eliminate those annoying people from our lives, I cannot eliminate my cancer. Treatment might evict the family of five currently living in my breast, but there will always be the physical and emotional scars that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Instead of fighting I chose to accept my cancer as part of my life. You can manage those annoying people by choosing to stay across the room from them, from avoiding emotive topics of conversation, by selecting the environment in which you meet them and by accepting that they are just different to you and you will never see eye to eye. Instead of making them MORE significant to your life you can make them LESS significant and maybe one day you will find that they are no longer annoying because someone else has taken over that role. I manage my cancer by focusing on what I can do to make my life better, despite it being there. I can sit around the house and mope, or I can get out for a walk. I can grieve for the running and swimming that I can no longer do, or I can attempt to go for a 200m jog. I can give my body the best chance of being well by cooking proper meals and also get the enjoyment from eating them. There are still things I fight, just like we all do. I fight the urge to stay under the duvet for an extra 10 minutes in the morning. I force my legs to carry me back to my desk at the end of lunch break. But these are all tiny little insignificant battles that I can easily win without draining my resources. Things that are within my control. Normal things.
Posted on: Wed, 29 Oct 2014 14:55:00 +0000
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