My sister Grace ODonovan sent me this from The UK just now. Worth a read. Nicely written. Its all about AUSTRALIA and AUSTRALIA DAY dammit! > > I am a fan of Douglas Adams from way back and am grateful to my cousin Richard for sharing this extract from the late Douglass writings which is particulrly apt at this time:- > > > An aliens view prior to Oz-Day…. > > > The Wide Brown Land & Always carry a stick. > > > A witty, fairly accurate and strangely informative essay about Australia. > AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS > > The following is by Douglas Adams of Hitchhikers Guide to the > Galaxy fame. > > Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of > the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because > of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an > enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs > which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is > simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the Great > Australian Bight, proving that not only are they covering up a more > frightening theory but they cant spell either. > > The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the > place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as > continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. > Typically, it is unique in this. > > The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be > divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true > that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 > of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most > poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few > snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. > > But even the spiders wont go near the sea. Any visitors should be > careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet > seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is > very useful for this task. > > The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. > > A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived > in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of > them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of > nature, mans proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They > settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange > stories. > > Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. > More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged > people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing > to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, > and a lot of them died. > > About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It > is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider > themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since > they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture > they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being > left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick. > > Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on extended > holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, > caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, > where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves > to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the > necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal > surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in > the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned. > > There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply > the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing > into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, > stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be > a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill > just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset > is worth the risk. > > As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would > expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, > cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. > Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile > disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been > performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud. > > Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the Grass > is greener on the other side of the fence syndrome, and roundly > proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. > They call the land Oz or Godzone (a verbal contraction of Gods > Own Country). THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT. > > TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA > > Dont ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER. > > The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you > think it is. > > Always carry a stick. > > Air-conditioning is imperative. > > Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained > linguist and extremely good in a fist fight. > > Wear thick socks. > > Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are > people nearby > > If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you > at all times, or you will die. And dont forget a stick. > > Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is > always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore. > > HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS > > They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount > vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse. > > They pronounce Melbourne as Mel-bin. > > They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large > fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep. > > They think Woolloomooloo is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, > that Wagga Wagga can be abbreviated to Wagga, but Woy Woy cant > be called Woy. > > Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently its a must-have. > > They dont think its summer until the steering wheel is too hot to > handle. > > They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction. > > And they all carry a stick!
Posted on: Fri, 23 Jan 2015 09:56:43 +0000
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