Normally I am a cheerleader, a motivator, and someone who tries to make you laugh. But Im going to share something raw and real. My whole life, I have had a love relationship with food. I have ALWAYS loved it. I remember as a kid, my mom making comments about how I could eat as much as a teenage boy. I never had a weight problem until my teens, but eating a lot became normal for me, and portion sizes extremely distorted. I remember eating 3rd or 4th servings of dinner AND THEN having dessert. I remember one week, I gained 10 pounds. In a week. Yeah. And it didnt even bother me!! I was like well, shit... Oh well. Im not working to get this off. I enjoy food too much. I would rather be fat and happy than skinny and unhappy. Then some things happened. Shopping started to not be fun. I wore tee shirts and shorts at the beach. I started to become unhappy and turn to the only thing that really made me happy: food. Even after having kids, I remember my biggest fear as a person was starving. My mom would say there were days when her first meal of the day was dinner , and even then it was one portion because she didnt want to gain weight. What?!?! So in order to prevent that from happening, I would eat just because I could. Who cares if I was hungry or not? Who knows when Im going to get to eat again? It wasnt a money thing... We always could buy groceries... But it was a pleasure thing. I had totally turned off my bodys signals to tell me when I got full. (And it got worse when I was pregnant each time, and EVEN WORSE as a breastfeeding mom. I started to be unhappy with my weight so I tried doing what my mom did... Eating only dinner and just one serving. I thought I was going to die that night! So naturally, I went into the fridge and pantry and ate EVERYTHING! Cookies, little Debbie cakes, cereal with milk, lunch meat, chips, and God knows what else. Then I went to bed... And felt awful. How the heck did mom do that? I also watched my aunt do all kinds of diets... Weight watchers, dr Dillard, herbalife, medifast, slim fast, slim fast ultra, that cabbage soup diet, nitro system, some mineral thing, who knows what else. (She has yet to try Beachbody) and I vowed never to go through what she went through... Eating different, not enjoying her food, and still not losing weight or just gaining it right back after she quit. How could I give up something that I was so dang attached to? And enjoyed so much? I knew that I would rather be fat and happy than skinny and unhappy. But then I realized something. I was fat, and depressed. Whatever unhappiness would come with being skinny, couldnt be worse than this. And at least I would be skinny. I did some research as to what would be safe for nursing moms, and I chose to focus on health. Through my research, I learned that if I focused on health, the weight would take care of itself. And I would say that it has. But right now, right this moment, I am struggling. In my house right now are sweet bread from my mom, fried dough with honey and sprinkles from grandma, Christmas fudge and cookies, and left over Christmas dinner. I want to toss it, because its easier to say no to garbage, but I feel this tremendous guilt if I toss it... These foods are a labor of love from my family, and they are meant to be enjoyed. So, it is a huge fight every time I enter my kitchen... It is so easy to just eat a cookie or eat a slice of sweet bread and butter... And it is a fight I am losing today. (This is why I dont keep this shit in my house!) So yes, I am so close to my weight loss goal, but I am still struggling mentally. I struggle when I go out to eat... I want EVERYTHING and it is hard to say I want chicken and veggies when I want a burger and fries. It is hard to portion it out and not scarf everything down. Whats my point? I am a person, just like you, who wants a healthy and full filling life. Yes I have made changes and lost 45 pounds. Yes I run successful challenge groups and share amazing recipes my family loves. Yes we are a clean eating family. But there are struggles, and they are SO REAL! Do I win every one of them? Heck no! (Like today... Im losing... But Im about to lace my shoes and have some sort of victory today) Anyway, I dont know if anyone will even bother reading this whole thing... But I guess my whole thing is that if this is a struggle of yours too, youre not alone.
Posted on: Mon, 29 Dec 2014 17:23:00 +0000
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