Not good news today at Head & Neck Check-up, tumors already grown back in my neck. Lumps, Swelling & stiffness is hard to describe. Bawling tonight. I fought so hard, it was so hard & Im so positive. And will still remain positive. Ive have battled all my life to be here. Now I have gone through this major surgery to remove Head & Neck Cancer. Extremely invasive, I dont moan how hard & painful it is to keep my head up or move my head, shoulders & arms, swallowing etc & the pain in my Arse (bottom) from the cancer becoming metastatic into the Sacrum Bone because its just to negative & will bring me & everyone down. I try to smile, be happy Im here another day, another hug from my family, my friends & waking up to a cuddle with my hubby. I know Im dying, I know my cancer is very aggressive with no cure. With doctors saying less than a year left to live. My major surgery will take 6 months to recover from & Im only 2 months in. I wonder how much the recovery will take from my life, treatment is keeping me comfortable & quality of life. Ive had wonderful memories with my wonderful parents, siblings, family & now my hubby. I found my soul mate we will be 2 years married in 22nd June this year. On June 4th we will have each other for 9 years. I wanted more years with him & my family. Had so many plans. I look into his eyes & it hurts to know our plans of being old & doing stupid silly things together are being snatched away. I wanted a longer marriage than this, more Years with him. So many people I know have more than this!! I want more time with my parents, my sister & two brothers. My niece & nephew. I worry about all of my family, my hubby. How they will cope when Im gone, I see how it hurts when I loose an FA friend etc. How I will know when the time is nearing & why I survived so much & battled so much & stayed so viligent & always had my tests no matter how suspicious it looked without once worrying if it was going to be cancer. Never wasting my time worrying about it, cause its just wasted energy & negativity. Yet Im now battling so hard just to stay here. Life is Cruel but it is also so amazing! I dont know why I survived BMT but I dont know why this is now happening & Im dying. Im not religious. I just try to be nice, good & positive. Im smiling now, with some tears! Im still here, Im still battling & Im just happy I got theses 21 extra years because my parents made the hardest decision in their life to have a BMT, that my sister gave me with the gift of life of BMT donor to prolong my life. I just wish it will be longer!! Xx
Posted on: Wed, 28 May 2014 22:57:05 +0000
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