Number 1 - The Apprentice Back in the Ordovician Period, when pennies were the size of ice hockey pucks, you could take three steps in a pair of jeans before the flares moved, and the BBC’s alternative to Pirate Radio was Jimmy Young’s Recipe, the Apprentice Dental Mechanic occupied a place in the social hierarchy somewhere beneath Myra Hindley and the Rolling Stones. There was an attitude amongst employers that suggested because they grudgingly threw a couple of pounds a week at us (Apprentices) in a small brown envelope, it somehow granted them authority over how we conducted our lives both in and out of work. Sadly, we believed it too. Consensus was that we knew nothing, did less and were a nuisance sent to punish some heinous, but forgotten, past transgression. Although the points below were never actually written out or said as such, we were left in no doubt that it was considered that we neither knew nor cared about any of it so it was somehow telepathically conveyed to us by knowing looks and inference. A short, yet accurate, list, then, of how one was made to feel for merely having the audacity to inflict oneself on The Lab every day:- Tea and coffee are liquids intended to refresh and rejuvenate and not some sort of diabolical endurance test. Use freshly boiled water (in the case of coffee, allowed to cool slightly before infusing), clean cups or mugs (not ‘cleaned’ with a dirty rag or, as practiced by an autumnal character masquerading as a cleaner in a lab of my acquaintance, the same one used to do the toilet rims), and milk bereft of lumps and alien cultures. Handles are for turning. They are not devices designed to give you more grip and purchase to enable you to slam things even harder Mops are not blessed with magical powers that automatically cleanse the water in the bucket A broom that looks as though it’s just been inducted into the US Marine Corps is not a lot of use. Buy a new one (this in the face of my former boss’s - possibly urban legend - assertion that ‘Bloody good brush, that. We’ve had it thirty years and it’s only ever had twelve new heads and ten new handles’) The shed is a Tardis Lunchtimes are for fetching fish and chips, or, in later years, a Chinese, for ‘proper staff’ It is not a sackable offence to throw away less than 85% of all plaster and acrylic mixed up Do not expect to be paid for overtime - the fact that you have to work late must be your fault for not pulling your weight during the day A dental laboratory does not instantly transmogrify into a pyrotechnics one the instant the Boss goes off to his Round Table meeting. Experiments such as filling Bunsen tubing with various polymers (especially ‘weighted’ material) and blowing them through Bunsen flames or placing the business end of a Bunsen burner into a bowl of soapy water and igniting the bubble thus formed are to be neither encouraged nor recommended It is perfectly acceptable to replace a light bulb which has failed within twelve months Plaster spilt on the plaster room floor, although it should not have been spilt in the first place, once it has been, may be swept up and disposed of. It is not necessary to leave it to get wet, go off and become some sort of impromptu and economical rhino flooring substitute for said room Nowhere in your Indentures does it state that it is a condition of your employment that at some stage during the five years of your Apprenticeship you are obliged to - ahem -‘go out’ with the Boss’s daughter. Get some normal handlebars on that motorbike. You look like a Hells Angel Managerial responses when pressed on issues regarding Apprenticeship:- • Indentures stating that all aspects of the trade should be taught within the five year term; ‘Oh, that’s just put in to justify their fees. Now, go and get those repair models’ • Upon objecting to being instructed to repair the roof, weed the garden, move the shed, change the oil in the Boss’s Merc, collect the plums off the tree oh and it’s okay to go next door to get the ones you can’t reach never mind about the dog it’s alright really and if the bloke asks what you’re doing there you’re nothing to do with us, ok? etc; ‘It says you’ve got to learn everything, doesn’t it?’ • Over mention made of Day Release to college to obtain City & Guilds; ‘ You don’t want to bother with any of that rubbish’ The offences below will result in mandatory instant dismissal:- • Having a better car than the Boss • Living in a better house than the Boss • Going on better holidays than the Boss • Having holidays • Putting Radio 1 on in the afternoon • Sharpening the edge of the Boss’s favourite teaspoon • Fashioning a huge nose out of acrylic and placing the Boss’s spare spectacles on it overnight • Fashioning other body parts out of acrylic and leaving them in the Office as a joke, intending to remove them before patients arrive to have their dentures repaired, but forgetting • Liking the Rolling Stones • Listening to the Rolling Stones • Looking like a Rolling Stone • Having heard of Frank Zappa • Voting Labour • Taking the micky out of fishing, golf or caravanning • Having parents who know about employees’ rights • Having an IQ greater than 50 • Not being as daft as they’d like you to be Finally:- Don’t do as I do. Do as I say
Posted on: Mon, 18 Nov 2013 18:30:10 +0000
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