OK, I give in....no more sleep for me. Through out the night I had to get up because I just had to cry and I didnt want to wake up Ronnie. He did enough of that last night. Today, the First of the Year of Firsts, ACD. My heart is raw and exposed, my head aches my soul is still shattered. If this was August 2, BCD, I would be up anyhow, wrapping her gifts and trying to remember where I hid all of them. Now I am up because I miss that darn kid something fierce. In about an hour she would have come out of that bear cave she called a room with that hair poof going everywhere, squinting at me because somewhere there was a light on that was just too bright for Princess to bear! Id give her a squeeze and shed say Wait mom, I gotta pee. Sure enough, after she was finished she would come back and hug me. Now the only squeeze I feel is my heart. I thought I could maybe make it through this day but seriously, I am not sure. I want to see that beautiful smile as she opened her card from us and teasing us by shaking it for money to fall out and saying, Uh Koonie, I believe you forgot something or seeing her hands unwrap her gifts...more like tearing in and shredding the paper to open it. Why do I remember her sweet little hands? I remember thinking they still looked like they did when she was a baby, the way her fingers would spread out. Without her make up I could see her Angel kisses aka her freckles, I could see the beautiful baby girl I gave birth to and was blessed to see her turning into an amazing woman. I remember thinking how lucky I was that I had a daughter when I spoke to a co worker who had 3 sons. Not because Brian hasnt always been my blessing, its just different when you have a daughter. I remember saying I was going hire someone to be the mother of the bride until it came time for me to be escorted down the aisle cuz I knew Pooky and Koonie would butt heads constantly, I knew it would be like me and my mom, spending every weekend together, and like Corrie and I always did, call each other every day. You wonder why my heart is so raw? These are just a few reasons, but my heart is raw because no matter how many memories I have, Corrie will never be here again for any more birthdays. Time has stopped for my child, my friend my daughter, and in a way for her family too. Things will never be the same no matter how much we try to return to routine things. I will never be the Mother of the Bride, I will never see my grandbabies from my girl, I will never hold her hand, get a squeeze hug, or see those angel kisses again. I know Ill see her in Heaven, but many times that isnt enough when we are left behind to carry on without this wonderful, aggravating beautiful baby girl. So later this a.m. Ronnie and I will go to our babys grave with her 26 balloons, and go through the loss all over again. Maybe it is selfish of us to wish it was us instead of her, but dont really care. Ill write it again....NO PARENT SHOULD HAVE TO BURY THEIR CHILD. We will clean up her grave and get rid of the flowers from her funeral that have died. We will go home and clean up to take the amazing cakes Melanie Fitzpatrick MissFitz-Cakes made for us to share with her beloved residents and many of her family and friends that could make it. I hope we have a lot of people show up for the balloon release, but if not, we, her fractured little family will be there. There will be one solitary yellow balloon from her sweet little niece, Puddin Pie. Corrie, Emily has your pictures everywhere in Elenas nursery, she wont let your Goddaughter forget you. I would like to share a poem that Sheila Singer (member of this horrid club) sent me. Thank you Sheila it is perfect: A MOTHERS LOVE I need no pictures To remember your warm smile; The lines of your face Are embedded in my memory of you. I gave you life In one second of pain, For which you returned years of yourself. Sometimes quiet, sometimes noisy, But always thoughtful. Sometimes I hear a voice that sounds like you, And I pause. That pang of hurt Stems from an empty spot You have left in my life. I carried you in my womb, Then later in my arms, But I will carry you In my heart forever. I am including a link to the slide show we had at Corries visitation. I couldn’t find out how to share it so if you would like to watch it you will probably have to copy and paste it. videos.lifetributes/506387 My challenge to you today is to step outside your comfort zone. Buy a helium balloon and give it to someone who looks like they need it. They will probably think you are nuts at first, but I bet there will be a smile on their faces. Send up a prayer for that person asking God to give them peace with whatever is wrong. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 Wish our baby girl a happy first birthday in Heaven. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crockpots, wet puppy dog smells, Quiet time and Unicorns.
Posted on: Sat, 02 Aug 2014 10:44:09 +0000
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