OK, so I know this will illustrate the slightly warped nature of my personality but Im going there anyway. Humor is what I am thankful for today. My own ability to laugh at the absurdity of life and even my own self. Humor has saved my life and my sanity too many times than I can count. Here is an example of what I do a times just to tickle myself and pull me back into being able to just breath in this moment. So you know those emails that we all have gotten at one time or another stating that you have won some unknown lottery (that you never bought a ticket for) , or inherited a huge sum of money from a dead person you never knew. Well here is one of those letters that has been eating up bytes and space in my computer RAM for the past couple of weeks. Over and over again it keeps showing up in my spam folder. The Subject Header of the email asked this question in upper case... Subject: ARE YOU DEAD From: ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC To: XXXXXXXXXXXX@yahoo (Me :-) The email is as below, and right below it is my response back to whomever actually sent this thing to me and thousands of others..... ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC Director,Zenith Bank . TelFax Number: +2348106627218 PAYMENT NOTIFICATION OF YOUR INHERITANCE CLAIM FUNDS CREDITED INTO ATM MASTERCARD FUND . Attention:Sole Beneficiary Customers Goodday to you,Definitely, I know that this letter will be a surprising one to you. Firstly, I will like to introduce myself formally as the New Appointed Director of The Zenith Bank Nigeria Plc .You are been officially contacted by me today because your Inheritance Funds were Re-deposited into the Federal Suspense Account of Zenith Bank Nigeria last month, because you did not Claim your funds as the rightful beneficiary in our corresponding bank. Well known to all, The Zenith BANK Management is the pan Bank of all commercial Banks here in Nigeria. This morning at about (9:00am Standard Pacific Time) I was alerted by my Secretary that Four men were at my Office reception waiting to see me and so I told my Secretary to lets them in. To my surprise they were two Canadians and one Nigerian Attorney, and they introduced themselves as (Mr. Tim Parker, Mr. Roland Gulf, both from Canada with telephone number: ) thirdly is (Mr Arik Freeborn from london with telephone number: ),and lastly accompanied with them was a Nigerian Attorney with the name (BARRISTER WILLIAMS EDOZIE).Really these men were unexpected by me because their visit was impromptu. I had to ask them why they came to see me in person and they said that they were here to collect the Inheritance Bill Sum of ($10.5Millions) credited into atm mastercard which rightfully belongs to you, on your behalf. These foreigners actually claimed this beyond reasonable doubts. At this development I asked them who authorized them to come down to Nigeria for the Collection of this Payment and they told me that youasked them to come and collect this funds on your Behalf. Infact this was the biggest shock that this Bank have ever received so far because your Inheritance funds of the sum($10.5Millions) of atm mastercard is still in the Federal Suspense Account of Zenith Bank, yet you sent these men to come and collect this Funds on your behalf without Notifying us. We in this Bank, do not understand why you sent these men to come and Collect your Funds on your behalf. If actually you want them to help you collect your Inheritance Bill Sum of $10.5Millions of atm mastercard , at least you should have informed me as the Director of this Bank. They actually tendered some vital documents which proved that you actually sent them for the collection of these Funds. Honestly, it really baffles me that you took such decision without my consent. Listen very carefully to enable us know the truth in this matter. Here is the documents which they tendered to this Bank today: 1. LETTER OF AUTHORITY. 2. IRREVOCABLE PAYMENT GUARANTEE. Actually, these documents which they tendered to this Noble Bank are a clear Proof that you sent them to Collect this Funds for you. Finally, (I told them to come back within three working days and they promised to come back and pay for the delivery and processing fee of the sum $150) on your behalf to enable them claim the inheritance bill sum of ($10.5M) credited into atm mastercard were Re-deposited into the Federal Suspense Account of Zenith Bank last month due to your relent/procrastination effort to come to claim it. As the director of this Noble Bank, I was supposed to Release this Funds to them but I refused to do so because I wanted to hear from you first if the delivery and processing fee of the sum $150 can be taken care by this people to enable us release this inheritance claim bill sum of the ($10.5M) on their favour . Due to the Nature of my job, I will not want to make any mistake in releasing these funds to anyone except you whom is the recognized bonafide beneficiary to This Fund,so get back to this bank immediately to enable us instruction you what to do on this issue and how to make this payment for the delivery and processing of the your atm card. Kindly clarify us on this issue before we make this release this fund to these foreigners whom came on your behalf. In receipt of this confidential Letter, you are required to call this Bank Immediately you receive this confidential Letter. Call us +2348106627218. or mail us to enable us proceed immediately. OFFICIALLY SIGNED. Mr. Godwin Emefiele. DIRECTOR ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC And my response...... Re: ARE YOU DEAD? Thursday, November 28, 2013 5:40 PM From: XXXXXX XXXX To: wwwwzenithbanknigplccodezenith@gmail Dear Mr. Emefiele, I have decided to tell you who I am, for you have put forth so much effort in your constant communication with me this week. You most assuredly have earned my honest reply. I am Zombie. Zombies dont need money. In fact as a member of the living dead, I am for the most part an outcast. I am unwanted in any part of a living society. The living dont take in kind way what we Zombies have to do in order to fulfill what drives us. For us that has no meaning. As a Zombie there is not a remnant of even a thread of human emotion or a conscience to become unfocused from what I do. No pain, no joy, no reasoning, no songs playing in my head. It is an unquenchable craving that ironically pulses through what is left of my cold and animated body...void of a heart that actually beats. It drives and consumes me. It damns and completes me. It is a personal mission in entropy. It accomplishes nothing, and still it is everything. I purpose forever and endlessly to eat brains. Not just ANY type of brain whilly nilly...oh no! I eat the brains of the living. Its what I do. It is ALL that I do. It is the only function of being as a member of the living dead. To eat the living brains of my former companions in humanity. For I am no longer human. I am a dead Zombie that eats brains. I dont need your money. Get it????? Now do this Zombie a big favor will you???????? #@&% Off! Brains!!!!!! Mmmmmmmmmmmmm
Posted on: Fri, 29 Nov 2013 00:27:09 +0000
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