Oga Interviewer, Don’t Ever Call Me Beautiful! (A Letter To Hr’s In Nigeria) I am addressing this letter to every past ( & prospective HR) I have encountered in the cause of my job hunt because I want my next interview to be my last in a long time. Dear Sir Im guessing you have my résumé since I have literally applied for every vacancy listed online. You may send your invitation email tomorrow, next week, next month or next year but just as you listed the requirements for your ideal candidate, permit me to state my own prerequisites so there wont be any conflict of interest when we eventually meet. 1. I will not wear my Christmas clothes for the interview. As a lady, I am expected to appear in a D&G suit with a 4 inch heel shoe to represent the image of your company. Im sorry to announce thats not going to happen. How do I gallantly represent the image of somewhere I am not guaranteed? Oga Interviewer, have you ever felt the pain that comes with leaving the interview room with ones best clothes after the HR says Im sorry, you failed the GMAT so you will not be moving on to the next stage. Or stares from passersby, wondering why you are roaming with your CV dressed in a corporate attire during work hours. That does not mean I wouldnt look decent. I like to keep my dressing simple in the event I find myself local pub where I can drink & pretend I was successful in your recruitment. 2. My double ear piercings does not make me the wrong person for the job. I know tattoos are wrong on all count but piercings on the ear? The last time I checked, the position was not a choir mistress for an Apostolic Church. I have been putting on inconspicuous studded earrings since I began job hunting. How else do I show Im professional enough? Do I have to cut off my ears? Dear HR of ABC company, how would a tiny ring affect my ability to use microsoft? Just say I remind you of your ex-girlfriend! 3. Four-person slot is not graduate trainee position Okay, this is the first time your company needs as much as 4 candidates to fill up a position. I understand you are doing unemployed graduates a favour but why did you have call it graduate trainee recruitment, subsequently deceiving thousands of job seekers online with the aim of achieving free publicity for your company? How do you intend to pick the best four from the 15,000 applications you received. Im guessing you stopped reading CVs after the first 100. This is the reason we never met cos my awesome résumé was the 12751th. 4. Be very specific with you ideal candidate before I show up She must be on low cut, must not be more than 27, must have had at least 4 years cognate experience; 1 in a managerial position, must have ACII but ICAN is preferable, must be multilingual, must be a graduate of a private university; foreign university is preferable, must have flat tummy, must be living at most 30 metres from the company, must be able to work without pay for the first three months ( na so! Is it because some churches are currently running a 100 days dry fast program), must be able to market GNLD products? State what you want in the vacancy. I hate unrealistic surprises after I have wasted my transport money. 5. I wont give you my photograph. If I dont stand a 70 percent chance of getting the job, I see no reason why I should come with all my certificates if it will eventually end up in your companys trash can. Sir, photocopies are expensive. Taking passports are a chore, do you even know how difficult it is to smile these days with all the brouhaha happening in Nigeria? Im guessing no. After all, you have lots of money and a job to keep you busy. 6. Open interviews? Keep your marketing offer! Many people shy away from marketing jobs because of the poor pay. I am one of them. (Except you want me to use my blog to promote your product/service) After roaming the street like a mad man to find customers, one is offered only 0.1 percent commission. Like what the hell? If it were that easy to get marketers, why did your company use euphemisms like vacancy for the post of a brand activator, key tele agents, DSA! Chief marketing technician? Yimu If marketing is part of the job requirement, let me know prior to that! I was offered a job as an accountant in a pension company in Benin and the next thing the HR said was, You know, this is a new company so you also have to bring in clients or your salary will be slashed by more then 50%. I told him dont even know anyone or my way round Benin! He said Dont you have rich aunties and uncles? I said no. If I had super rich relatives, would I be needing the job? Next thing I heard was We will get back to you. Im still waiting... 7. Salary is a very sensitive issue Please when its time to discuss my salary expectations, dont bring your colleagues to distract me. Its no time for jokes. Im a sucker for compliments. For this singular reason, my mom stopped sending me market errands cos when she gives me N5000 for soup items. I hand the entire sum to the first trader that tells me Omalicha...Sweety mi...African Queen, come and buy my yams. Dad also stopped sending me to make cash deposits cos when the beggar seated outside the bank says, Fine girl, Angel, please gimme money. God go bless you for this life. I hand over the money to him. Last year, an HR asked how much I wanted and before I could say N120000 is okay. lol, his colleague chipped in Mr Aderemi this particular candidate looks so humble. . . Her smile is really infectious. I heard that and stupidly said You guys can pay me anything like. I will manage. The HR said, We will give you N20000 per month. Yimu! Do you know how much it cost to maintain this smile? 8. ABC Company is not the place for salary earners. I can see thats your company core values. I understand you need my salary to keep up with your biannual vacation to Seychelles. No problem. I am going to work for you without pay. After all, I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me. But what other incentives are you offering? Am I going to learn on the job? No. Would it advance my career development? Maybe. Would I have to cross third mainland bridge to work everyday? Yes. Do you have a company bus? No. Is your firm an advertising and communications firm, you know thats my dream career path? No. So why do you want to eat my salary? No answer. Gentlemen, let him who has ears, hear! From a pained job seeker. Yours sincerely Naijasinglegirl
Posted on: Fri, 23 Jan 2015 18:47:33 +0000
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