Okay. Im running out of options here! I may have to go with this European Convention thing after all! Its kind of a longshot because the Faroese sure as hell know they dont belong to the EU. They also know what conventions apply. The Danes know the same things,too! It might just work, though! The Faroese dont donate squat to our campaigns, so I dont care what they think! I keep forgetting that my target audience is mostly suburban American kids who dont know beans about Europe, let alone the Faroe Islands! In fact, they couldnt find the Faroes if I circled them on a map! And the complex political arrangement between Denmark and the Faroes? Fuggedaboutit, as they used to say on my favorite TV show! Hey ! Do you miss the Sopranos like I do? Wtf was with that ending? Did they survive dinner? I hope they at least got to finish the meal! Me? Id hate to go out like that before dessert! anyway, back to Europe... I was talking Denmark...these kids dont know squat about Denmark, either. They think theyre the Dutch for chrissakes! No way they understand what a protectorate is! Frankly, neither do I. But this is exactly the kind of confusion I can exploit. Ive done a couple interviews these last couple days and really laid into Denmark for using their navy to support whaling in violation of EU law. Theyre really pissed off about being tossed under the bus this way, but I dont care! They dont donate so much and wont flag any of my ships so screw em! And you know the really clever thing about my plan? These guys are now spending so much talking about the complex political relationship between the Faroes and the Dutch, that I dont even have to go into specifics on exactly which EU conventions are violated! And you KNOW how I hate getting into specifics! Ooops! I said Dutch back there, didnt I? See what I mean? It really IS confusing isnt it? So Ive been spinning in these interviews, how the Danes played into the palm of my hand a few days back! You know, as I say in my book When life hands you lemons, make lemonade! btw, lemon juice is a stronger acid than butyric acid, I thought Id mention that in case you didnt know. So the palm of my hands thing is from another section of my book on the brer rabbit theory of trickster-ism. When shit goes all to hell and back again, you say that this is what you expected to happen! In fact its what you wanted to happen! On the face of it, it is an absurd notion that no one really believes; but I find that when you repeat it often and convincingly, my supporters believe I am some sort of shrewd tactician! Mystical even! That big blue helicopter with the naval crest and those three rubes kneeling before it is just a PR goldmine for me. The Dutch can hardly say thyre not involved in supporting the brutal, horrific slaughter___________(insert stock spiel text #23 here) when big blue is sitting there with rotors turning! Ooops! Did it again! Look, from now on, if I say Dutch, I mean the Danes! Unless Im talking about who flags our ships! Then I mean the Danes. Oops! Dutch! Damn! But generally the interviews are going well! Just to test the waters on were running an effective campaign to save whales bit, I mention in an interview that we have driven off 4 pods of whales and actually saved hundreds! In contrast to the highly publicized events on Sandoy, we kept this other stuff a secret! Yeah, I know! The interviewer didnt buy it either! Called me out on it and asked for proof! Proof?, I asked. Of course I have proof! Its well documented! Fortunately we ran out of time and he didnt pursue that, but not after taking a shot at me about that bastard Bethune! So anyway, Im dropping that angle for now and sticking with the into our hands bit. I could change my mind again, though! Im shrewd that way! Keeps em guessing! So Im feeling pretty good about this into our hands bit, But Im worried that I need a little more. But worry no more! I have found what I need and, as usual, it came to me in a roundabout way. I was laying about watching an old movie with my current fiancee, whatshername, when the idea came to me! btw, I know many of you have been critical and even amused at my carrying on so with such a young woman. And I must admit I have my own misgivings over another marriage; it is my fourth after all! But its moments like this, laying here with a bowl of vegan popcorn on my chest while she works out of my line of sight on my nail fungus, that I really think it will all be worth it! Anyway, back to the movie! Were watching A Miracle on 34th Street, you know, the one with Natalie Wood as the kid! Well we just get to the part where the clever lawyer (god, what Id give for a clever lawyer about now!) Anyway, this clever lawyer comes up with this idea to use the postal service, as an agency of the federal government, to prove the existence of Santa Claus! Ding! Ding! Light bulb! I nearly spilled my vegan bloody Mary as I jumped from the couch! (well, jumped might be a slight exaggeration. struggled?) In either case, Im up from the couch and never mind how I got there, but Im thinking I can use this! I can use the postal service to prove that the Faroe Islands are really Denmark and are therefore bound by EU laws. Since I kinda look Santa-ish, itll be just like in the movies! So whatshername and me spend the rest of the evening writing postcards to the Faroes! But get this! We put Denmark on the address, too! If they get delivered, it makes my case and the grind is done! Btw, postage is expensive, and Im sure as hell not paying it and Ive run the postage meter dry here at SS France. So if you want to stop whaling now, or put whaling on trial; either one, whichever is your preference, we could use some cash! So Donate Now! And I meant cash, btw. Its just more convenient for me; easier to move around as needed! Dollars work! So Im feeling really good about this despite a bit of writers cramp from trying to disguise my handwriting and changing different pens and such, when I get some bad news from the States! It seems theres some fallout from last week and the shits about to hit the fan! Im about to be sued again unless I can defuse this situation quickly! Ironically, its over another small boat AGAIN! I do seem to haves me troubles wit dem boats! Bethune and Gil you know about. That crap is costing me millions. In hindsight, it would have been cheaper to buy the damn thing, insure it, and THEN sink it! How come I dont have trouble with the big ships donated for millions?Anyway, this times its that Sheen kid! It seems I may have exaggerated a wee bit when I told him what kind of boat his money would buy! You probably all saw him on TMZ going on about how his Whale Wars boat was illegally siezed while engaged in the noble fight to stop the brutality of the illegal _________(insert stock spiel #57 here). All that was fine and dandy as long as he stuck to the script we provided! But then he got cute and started adlibbing about how his 40 foot rhib was siezed! Needless to say, the BS Sheen is no such thing! And yes, the BS stands for just what you think it does! And it was HIS idea! In fact he insisted on spelling it out, but we compromised on the initials! At first, when he saw the video of sea action in the killing bay, he thought the Dutch/Danish (whatever!) naval rhib in the harbor was his! I thought, whew! we dodged that one! But then TMZ got ahold of a photo of the real thing with his damn name on it! Charlie was pissed, I can tell you! Thats just a damn 22 foot fishing boat, for chrissake! Whered my money go?!! Now the Sheen family has been good to me over the years! Except Emilio! Never quite figured him out! Anyway the real Sheens are Hollywood donors cut from the cloth just the way I likes em! Wealthy and not too bright! Martin has been solid and dependable for years and Charlie? Charlie was showing potential. Hes smarter than the old man, but his impairment is a great equalizer! It was in just such a state that I tapped him for a boat at a party! I told him we could stop the grind if only ..., you know the rest by now. I find that parties are a great source of funding and other support! Around 3am, as theyre trying to go home works great! Sure, Paul, whatever, they say. And I hold them to it! Remember Michelle Rodriguez? She was never going to the Southern Ocean! But she ponied up nicely to save face! Anyway, Sheen wakes up as if he had ice water dumped on his head, which he did no such thing, btw! Pussy! Took the cash out option! Pffft! But anyhow, the cats out of the bag on Sheens boat now and he reads about that RICO lawsuit Im facing! He figures that this is the same deal and essentially it is, but Ill never admit that in open court! Closed court, either, just so we understand each other! Fraud, fraudulent inducement, misappropriation of funds, fraud, and on and on! So Ive just got to get this under control, pronto! My only hope is that Charlies moment of clarity is brief and he forgets about it! Last thing I need is a rambling Sheen on youtube again! Other things happened at that party Id rather keep on the down low, if you know what I mean! So while I work on that problem and maybe set up another legal fund (just in case !) feel free to donate to Operation Infinite Postage, we sure could use the money! Well chat again!
Posted on: Fri, 05 Sep 2014 20:29:39 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015