Once upon a time there was a Pichu who had one hour to be frolicsome in Warsaw, or else the world would end. First he attempted to caper and gad about in a public park, but it being Warsaw, there were no parks, public or otherwise. Then he attempted to dance about on the sidewalk, but most people just tossed cigarette butts at him. Also, being Warsaw, and Pichu being roughly the size of a chipmunk, just being on the sidewalks meant he was buried up to his waist in cigarette butts anyway. He realized he was in trouble. Warsaw was simply not a frolicsome place, he decided that he needed to overcome the bleakness all around him, he needed to recharge his own sense of joy, so he went to a comic book store to read some Scrooge McDuck comics. Scrooge McDuck is a greedy bastard and an utterly unapologetic war profiteer. Also: Scottish. Doesn’t get much funnier than that. Alas, McDuck was considered a product of the capitalist west (Or the 1% west, as people were now calling it), and hence the character had been banned from sale. This was quite a blow to Pichu’s giddy disposition, particularly given the absence of both David Bowie and/or any David Bowie-based cartoons (Such as this one https://youtube/watch?v=FODvjYoVEi8 ). True, they did have a lot of post cards of Iggy Pop, but they were all taken during the period in the early 1980s when he’d retired from the music industry, and was living in a trailer home and mowing lawns in Florida. Basically they were just pictures of a way-too-skinny shirtless guy with long hair pushing a mower around. Pichu raised an eyebrow and said, “Pichu.” Translated into people talk, this means, “Well, it’s funny in an abstract sense, I guess, but I really don’t think it’s going to stop the world from blowing up.” Somewhat desparate, he went to a thrift shop, where he bought a lot of old Soviet military crap. Of course none of it came in super-extra-small-bowling-ball-trophy-had-a-baby-and-my-gosh-is-it-tiny sizes, but like all Pichu, he was good at sewing (Despite not having any apparent fingers), and was able to take it in in record time. Alas, he had misjudged the opinions of the poles with regards to their former masters, and they beat the living crap out of the adorable baby-like pokemon. Because: Warsaw. In frustration, and with only moments left, Pichu called upon the Wizard Sheldon from the second season of Sigmund and the Sea Monsters. Sheldon – played by Rip Taylor – appeared, tossing confetti around, and handing out checks for $1.68 to random passers by. This was the limit of his powers, owing to budget cuts. “What’s the matter, little fella?” Rip said. “Pichu,” said Pichu, which, in people talk, translates roundly into the preceding eight paragraphs. (It’s a very concise language) “Does you have to be frolicsome in Warsaw? I mean – my God – Warsaw! Everything here is grey, even the red bricks are grey! There’s bullet holes from like eight different armies in the walls. It’s even bringing me down, and as you know, I’m obnoxiously up. Man, I’m going to have to hand out a LOT of $1.68 checks to get over this.” “Pichu,” said Pichu, which, translated, means, “I dunno. I thought so, but I dunno.” “Well, you’ve only got like 45 seconds left to get frolicsome and save the world anyway, right? So what could it hurt?” “Pichu,” Pichu agreed. “How about Gdansk?” “Pichu!” Pichu said. So Sheldon whammied Pichu to Gdansk in the former East Prussia, where the small fictional character immediately went into a frolic so frenetic as to cause several people to plotz on the spot, they were so overjoyed. Pichu, being an electrical type, was able to defibrillate them, and nearly all survived as a result, excepting the one who fell in front of a bus. But it was a bus full of clowns, so that just made it even more frolicsome. Hence, the world was saved. The end. Please note: It is important to remember that in the story I just told, Pichu does *NOT* represent the Apostle Paul
Posted on: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 03:23:03 +0000
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