One night the band leader approaches the bands bassist and asks him to play a little more free. What do you mean ? the bass player asks. The keyboardist replies well, for instance, when we start One Note Samba , you wait 3 bars and come in on flat 3rd, then play 2 bars and skip the next one. Go straight to the turn around, then play flat 7th for 5 bars, and finish early with a sharp 5th. The bassist considers this for many minutes, and finally says he cant possibly accomplish such a mammoth task, especially since the part the leader described would sound so dissonant. To which the leader angrily says, well, why not? Thats exactly what you played last night! After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce theyre getting a divorce. The kids are distraught and hire a marriage counselor as a last resort at keeping their parents together. The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still wont talk to each other. Finally, he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to play. After a minute or so, the couple starts talking and they discover that theyre not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try. The kids are amazed and ask the counselor how he managed to do it. He replies,Ive never seen a couple that wouldnt talk through a bass solo. Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train? How are a fretless bass player and lightning the same? They never hit the same spot twice. Guitarist to girlfirend: Man, the bass player was so bad last night, even the singer noticed! A man goes to see the doctor. Doc, I dont remember what I did last night, but every place I touch hurts a LOT. The doctor replies, what do you mean, Everywhere? I mean EVERYWHERE! How hard is that? Using his index finger, he begins to touch himself in several places. It hurts here, [touches forehead], here, [touches chin], here [touches leg], here, [touches elbow]. Im telling you, I hurt EVERYWHERE. Hmmmm....let me have a look, the doctor says. After examining the mans hand, the doctor says, Youre a bass player, arent you? Astounded, the man exclaims, how could you know that? The doctor hides a smile and says, well, to begin with, youve got a great set of calluses built up on this hand. Also, youve broken your index finger... Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the bass player it could be done. Bandleader, to auditioning bass player: Tell me about your best gig. Bass player: They clapped so hard, they almost broke their handcuffs. Why dont bass players tell blonde jokes? They dont understand them. What do you throw a drowning bass player? His Amp. How does a bass player count 7/8 time? 1-2-3-4-5-6-sev-en Whats the difference between a bass player and a pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the guitar player has to show him how to do it. How many Pop bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand. How many Country bass players does it take to change a light bulb? One. Five. One. Five. How many Reggae bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Light bulb? We spent da money on ganja, mon! How many Metal bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Five -- 1 to change the light bulb and 4 to keep the guitarist from hogging all the light. How many Jazz bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Forget the changes, lets just play! How many Acoustic bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to do the job and another to complain that its electric. How many Rock bass players does it take to change a light bulb? No one ever bothered to notice! How many Blues bass players does it take to change a light bulb. Zero...none of them can afford the replacement. How many New Age bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change. Have you heard about the bass player who locked his keys in his car and nearly missed his gig? It took him 15 minutes to get his drummer out. The worlds greatest Jazz bassist and the worlds greatest Blues bassist meet for lunch. Who pays the tab ? Neither, they dont charge for the food at the soup kitchen. Soooo... the metal bass player says to the funk bassist: If God had intended me to slap my bass he would have made it look like my boss (ex-wife, mother-in-law, Binladen etc.) Whats the hardest 3 years of a bass players life? Second Grade. In a club the band just finished their sound check when the owner sitting at the bar catches the bandleaders eye and shouting across the dance floor says to bring over his musicians for a talk. Noticing the bandleader gesturing the bass player to come over, too, he shouts over again No, no, I meant the MUSICIANS! Whats Gods favorite chord? G sus. (Say it three times fast...) Son: Daddy, I want to grow up and be a bass player. Father: Son, you cant have it both ways. What did the bassist do when he was told to turn on his amp? He caressed it softly and told it how pretty it looked. Why are there four strings on a bass? Three are spares. How many Bassist jokes are there? Just one -- all the rest are true! At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: You are out of tune. Check it, please! The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight. The second bassist turns to him, sneering, You bloody idiot! Its not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel! How can you tell if your stage is level? The drool comes out of both sides of the bass players mouth. What do you call a bass player that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless. Whats the difference between a savings bond and a bass player? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money. A Bass player is on a flight to Africa. On approach, he hears drums. Flight attendant, I hear drums; is there a special ceremony? Drums good, the attendant replies. In the taxi, the bass player once again hears drums and asks I hear drums again, what is going on? Drums good, says the cab driver. Once at the hotel, the bass player is determined to ask his question again. But just then, the drums stop. I have been hearing drums all morning and now they have stopped. What is the meaning of this?. The desk clerk frowns and says Thats bad...now come bass solo. Whats the difference between a violin and a double bass? The bass burns longer. Whats the difference between a cheap trampoline and a cheap acoustic bass guitar? You have to take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline. How do you get a bass player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. What do you call it when two fretless bassists are playing in unison? A minor second. Other uses for a headless bass (with apologies to all who own these babies): Canoe Paddle Fanny Paddle Get three more and make a windmill Potato Masher Guitar Tuner - You wanna tune that thing or what?!? External Guitar Amp Volume Control - You wanna turn down or what?!? Metronome - Theres the downbeat! Theres another one! Multi-string Bow - OK, thats a stretch. Yow!! Headache Reliever - Feel better now?!? Or, just smack ME with the darn thing for writing this. With so many wonderful uses, I think we should all have one in our arsenal... At the IQ Lounge, the staff engages patrons in conversations based on the persons IQ. One evening there are three men at the bar. After learning the first fellows IQ is 135, the bartender begins a discussion on the latest theory on black hole physics. With the second (IQ 121), he discusses classic literature. The third patron tries to avoid giving his IQ. The bartender persists until the poor guy admits hes got an IQ of 92. At which point the bartender says, Cool! Do you prefer flatwounds or roundwounds? Little Johnnys father finally agrees to teach him to play bass, just like his dad. For the first lesson, Dad shows Johnny the E string and tells him to practice thumping on just that string. Nice, even quarter notes. For the second lesson, Dad shows Johnny the A string, telling him to just thump away on it - again, nice, even quarter notes. For the third lesson, Dad shows him how to go back and forth: A - E - A - E. Back and forth, just like a Country bass line. Nice, even quarter notes. When Johnny doesnt show up for his fourth lesson, Dad calls his wife at work to see if Johnny forgot about his lesson. The wife replies, Oh. Didnt you hear? He left this morning to tour with Garth Brooks. Just before rehearsal is about to start on the Orchestras Bring Your Child to Work Day, the conductor is horrified to see the bass player hitting one of the children. You cant do that! he yells. Why are you hitting him? He slackened one of my strings replies the bass player. No problem, says the conductor. Just tune the string up again. I cant! screams the bass player. He wont tell me which one.
Posted on: Tue, 18 Nov 2014 21:37:29 +0000
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