One year ago today, I lost my favorite grandma from my moms side, Grandma Reta. I still havent accepted it. I cant even visit Pap, because the house is empty without her. It doesnt feel right. Me and Grandma were always close. I spent all my time with her as a kid. We would go to the ice cream stand, or candy land..or walmart when she would sit in the car for 5 minutes looking for the door handle. I know she felt close to me too because even way back then she talked to me like I was her best friend. Shed talk about her back hurting, her knees, all the medicine the doctors had her on. Wed watch Oprah, and soaps every day. Wed play marbles, and make yo cookies, or waffle crisp with toast. Or scrambled eggs (she made the best) and strawberry milk. We camped all the time, out at Mr. Wades and Gettysburg, and other places I dont remember. I do remeber for a year before she died I said over and over, Grandmas geting old and doesnt seem right, I dont think shes gonna be here very long, I need to spend more time with her. And yet I never made the time...how badly I regret that now. But I know it didnt change anything. On this day last year I was working, just started my job, and on lunch I had a text saying she was in icu. So of course I cried, but i finished my day. I went straight to the hospital, I was covered in mud and smelt like onions and cilantro. She was ok when I got there, happy to see me and Barry. I picked her sock up off the floor and put it on for her. Before we left, (when they were about to sedate her) I kissed her and told her I loved her, and she said she loved me, and said she loved Barry. After I got home my dad called me (third time he called that year to tell me someone I cared about died) and asked if I got the call. I was in blue footy pajamas with hello kitty on them, but none the less I threw on my boots and headed out. I collapsed before I made it to the truck. I was shattered. Once I got to the hospital, Carrie Noland and I went in to see her, and thats when her monitor said it couldnt detect a heart beat. We waited for Diane Moyer Bill Moyer and Billy Moyer to get there, and that was it. She was gone, and yet somehow a year later, I dont believe shes gone. She was here for graduation and my 18th birthday, longer than Gram or Pop made it for my life, and I know its selfish but God damnit, she wasnt here for enough of it! It was hard enough to lose my favorite grandma on dads side, and face my life without her there to be proud of everything, but now grandma Reta too. Its not fair. It sucks, and im angry. I know theyre here in spirit, but that doesnt make me feel better at all. They say the pain lessens over time, but I just miss them all more everyday. Grandma wherever you are, I hope you are proud of everything thats happened the last year, and im not angry that you left, im angry that you were taken from me too soon. I love you and miss you so very much, and no one will ever understand it. Because no will ever have what we did.
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 17:40:00 +0000
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