Pain.So sick of the pain,tired of hurting.wanting to move on and not being able to.I layed in bed last night watching tv with eric,half watchin what was going on,hearing him speak to me,but not really understanding the words that were coming out of his mouth,my mind kept wanderin,circling,all I could think about was my sonmercials came and went,if they involved children and babies,a tear escapes,i wipe it away,i try to focus again,but it only lasts so long,my mind goes right back to christian.Ive been workin on his photos offline,i gathered everything i had from phones,hard drives,my great nieces phones,and put it in a folder,now i have to delete every double,triple and quadruple,so i can just have 1 of each an store than on a disk,print them out for my scrapbook,and place them here on his page.it gets harder and harder to do everyday,as i near the end i start to think i should of takin more,there were so many times i wish id had my phone on me to catch him doing something or just to keep seeing that beautiful smile,but like every parent you believe you have all the time in the world.i keep going back to the last night,i keep seeing him playing in his crib having sat up for the first time with no assistance,grabbing his keys,moving his stuffies around till he found his tigger,his binky fell out of his mouth,instead of crying like usually, he picked it up and akwardly put it back in his mouth,and then looked at me and smiled, like he was sayin hey i got this,i just stood there watching him,i could watch him for hours,i used to lay in my bed holding him above me saying superman and he would laugh,i think of that and its just gut wrenching,i feel sick to my stomach,i should be smiling but instead im crying,everyone says it will get better with time,i want it to get better now,ive tried and its a losing battle,i hate leaving the house,i dont want to do anything,Eric keeps talkin about summer and were gonna do this and that,and i think to myself I dont want to,not without christian,so i usually just smile and nod my head,its like you just dont wanna live anymore,im going back to work because I have to,not because i want to or that im ready,that would be lying to myself.Easter is around the corner,im dreading it,hoping mom will be home but then i think,so much for easter dinner with my little man sitting at the table with us,once we got his highchair it was so much fun having him at the table with us,i couldnt wait till he was old enough to enjoy bites from our plates make him his own little plate and watch him eating with those tiny little fists,i was gonna give him his first taste of chocolate let him gum a chocolate bunny as i watched it melt in his hands,moist wipes ready to go,i was gonna speak to eric about going to easter mass ,i didnt care which church i just wanted to do something as a family,a family,that is all i ever wanted.i cant go back to my life before he came into ours.before him i had accepted i would never be a mother,but i was happy,life went on,i dealt,now after experiencing motherhood,i dread the silence,the feeling of no longer being needed,the love that one experiences from that tiny being that depends on you for everything,the look of love and relief everytime he saw me enter the room,crying then hearing my voice,calming down long enough to hear it again,then i appear he smiles,and all is right with the world.i dont know if everyones experience with motherhood is the same but i know that mine was everything i had imagined and wanted,and needed,he is what was missing in my life to complete me in everyway.i used to love when karrie would send me pics of the boys while i was at work,if i was having a bad day it instantly changed my mood.i couldnt get home soon enough so i could hold him again,kiss him,smother him as eric would say,but i didnt care,he loved me and i did everything i could to make sure he knew i loved him back just as much,everytime i walk in the bathroom my mind sees him in his tub splashing his feet around,laughing as the water splashed all over him and me,i was beginning to recognize the look he would get before the fountain when off,i would laugh and cover him with his wash cloth,and id tell himnot this time little creepand hed smile,oh god those smiles,and laughs,i miss them so much,some of you may have seen me post before about me calling him my little creep,it has to do with eric i actually use it quite affectionately,my nickname for eric since i met him was creep,once i got pregnant and knew it was a boy i passed it on to him,he was my little creep,i know its weird but if you know eric and how we met it would make sense.they both crept in to my heart.i wasnt expecting either one of them,hence theyre my creeps.and so i end this post with a very heavy heart,i miss him more with each passing minute,hour,day,week,no my life will never be the same,my joy is gone,im not sure what the future holds for me now,but i no longer look forward to it,hold your children close,take time to show them how much you love them,because it can happen to any of us,my love to all of you who follow my page,thank you for taking the time to read my posts and enjoy the pictures,its all i have left,Shirelle if you read this I love you and I so feel your pain sweetheart,I hope where ever Christian and Frankie are,that theyre together watching over us and smiling because they know they are loved.
Posted on: Sun, 16 Mar 2014 14:43:43 +0000
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