Part 3 of Fred The Door Slayer **** Fred The Door Slayer My name is Fred, this is my story. What Im about to tell you seems to come straight out of a nightmare or fantasy land. My life hasnt turned out like I expected it to. My wife is a real nag and her mother is even worse. Dont get me started on her, she is a real piece of work, both of them are. I have a real loser job, my life isnt anything like I thought it would be. It isnt my fault though, it is everyone else`s fault. They all seem to have it out for me. I dont know why everyone is out to get me. I dont know why my wife and I dont get along, I go to work, do my job, and come home. After a hard night at work, I drink a few. She says I drink too much, but I battling depression right now. I have to drink quite a few beers to drown out my sorrows. I got off work at 9 PM, I have a weird shift, I work from one to nine PM. When I got off work, I was really depressed. Today at work was really bad, Im underpaid, under appreciated, and I get all the crappy jobs, the ones that no one else will do. My boss really has it out for me. Today at work was really bad, the worst ever, I was depressed even worse than normal. When I got off work, I went to the bar and had a beer or five, maybe it was 15, I cant keep track of them. Im not a rocket scientist, math wasn`t my strong suit in school, plus I got pretty plastered at the bar. Now what I remember happening next and what the police say happened after I left the bar are completely different stories. You will soon see why I say this story story seems to come straight out of fantasy land. What I remember happening after I left the bar was, I walked out to my minivan, got in the passenger seat, and fell asleep. I had a crazy ass dream while I was sleeping, Ill tell you about that in a few minutes, that is why this story seems to come straight out of fantasy land for me, because my dream was like a fantasy to me. Before I tell you what the dream was about, I will tell you what the police say happened, what I supposedly did. They don`t have any proof. Well, they do have the videotapes, but they can be doctored. Supposedly they have dozens of witnesses also, but I know people get paid off all the time to tell lies. I know everyone is out to get me and this just goes to prove it. So this is what the police say I supposedly did. They say I took out the front doors of a building at a University with my minivan, then I took out two park cars, then I slashed tires on ten cars around campus, and finally I took out two stop signs. Oh yeah, I forgot this part, this is pretty funny, I was supposedly doing donuts in the parking lot, the parking lot was supposedly so smokey that the eyewitnesses couldnt even see what I was driving. Can you imagine doing smoking donuts in a minivan, the van doesnt have any power, it`s a little shit box. Maybe the van magically changed into a race car, so I could do those donuts. There is no way that that will stand up in court. This part is pretty funny too, I supposedly had my fist out of the window and raised in the air, and I was singing, I am the champion, at the top of my lungs. Is that like a Led Zeppelin song or something? The police must take me for an complete idiot. There is no way I did all that stuff, I was sleeping in the passenger seat when they found me, I hadn`t moved anywhere. Okay, I had moved about two miles away from the bar to another parking lot, and yes, the van was damaged severely in the front end, but I think a drunk mistook my minivan for his. He got in, drove into something, then parked in that parking lot. The keys were in the ignition and the drivers door was unlocked, Im pretty sure that is what really happened. I was totally out of it, I couldve slept through just about anything. A tank couldve crashed into the van and I wouldve slept right through it, that is how out of it I was. Did I mention, that I took a couple of pills while I was in the bar drinking those beers. I think I forgot to mention that. I dont know what the pills were and I really dont care. The guy that gave them to me told me to take them and I wouldnt be depressed anymore. I was at the point right then that I didnt care what the pills were. They seemed to work on me while I was in the bar. Now I will get to the dreams I had while I was sleeping in the passenger seat of my minivan. I dont care what the police say, I was sleeping, so I couldnt have done all that stuff that they say I did. I know the police have it out for me, just like everyone else does. I dont trust the police, because most of them are dirty anyway. But I`ll get off of that and tell you about the dream, it was a very vivid dream, and it seemed to come straight out of fantasy land. It almost seemed like I was in a weird ass Narnia story or something, there wasn`t a lion in the dream, but there was a pink elephant. The dream began like this, I came to in my van, I was in the passenger seat. I looked over in the driver seat and there was a pink elephant sitting there. I rubbed my eyes, I couldnt believe what I was seeing, how the hell did a pink elephant get in my minivan? The pink elephant turned its head and looked at me. It smiled at me and said, hi Fred, are you ready to go on an adventure? Sit up and buckle up for safety. I sat up, grabbed above my right shoulder for the seatbelt, and realized that it wasnt there. I looked around and saw the belt was over my left shoulder. I wondered what was going on, because it was supposed to be over my right shoulder, then I realized it must be a dream. I grabbed the belt, pulled it across myself, and clicked it into place. The pink elephant looked at me, with a twinkle in his eye, and a smile on his face. He said, are you ready for an adventure? I nodded my head yes and smiled right back at him. The pink elephant winked at me and said, “alrighty then, follow me and I will take you on an adventure. The pink elephant got out of the van, shut the door, and looked back at me. I begin to protest by telling him, I can`t drive because I have been drinking. The pink elephant laughed and said, you will do just fine. I shook my head no and said, I cant drive I`m in the passenger seat. The pink elephant threw its head back and laughed, he also blew his trunk, then he looked back at me. Look again my friend, you are in the driver seat, follow me to adventure and a real fine time, the elephant said. I looked down and saw that I was indeed sitting in the driver seat. I looked all around, shook my head, and closed my eyes. When I opened my eyes and looked around, I was still sitting in the driver seat. **** I think we need a break here. In case you didnt realize it, Im no longer referring to Fred when I say I. I am now referring to myself. I decided we needed a break in the action because things were getting just a little too scary there and this isn`t supposed to be scary. It wasnt scary, there was a pink elephant and he was in a minivan, how did he get in the minivan anyway? I mean those vans are like really small, but anyway, I thought we needed a break because I have been writing for like six hours now. Its only been 20 minutes, it felt much longer than that, are we sure its even the same day? Maybe Ive been in here writing for six days, it has to be longer than 20 minutes. Well anyway, 20 minutes or six days of writing, it`s all the same. I thought we could take a break and I can order room service. I think Ill have a cheeseburger with mayo and a side order of fries. Make that a big order of fries and could we put some cheese on those fries? Make sure its nacho cheese, I dont like that other kind of cheese. You dont have room service, what the hell is this, prison? It is prison, yeah I thought this room was kind of small to be a hotel room. I want to lodge a complaint, let me speak to your boss. You are the boss, I see. I want to put a complaint in on the tank gunner, he fired a tank cannon off in my story, and he looks like a complete idiot. The tank gunner is your brother, I can see the family resemblance. What I meant to say was, the tank gunner seems like a fine young man, he looks like a real woman killer, literally. What, no I didnt mumble anything under my breath, I most definitely did not say literally under my breath. How about you guys order out, get me a cheeseburger with fries. You cant afford to order out because you have a tank and that cost a lot to run and maintain. I have an idea, you could sell the tank and get rid of that tank gunner, then you could afford to put me up in a Holiday Inn Express, and I could get room service. Hey, there is no need for all this violence. Okay, I take back what I said about the tank, you guys should keep it, it does really look cool. No, I refuse to take back what I said about the tank gunner. He is an idiot, he fired the cannon off in my story. He really stunk the story up, its a real stinker. I mean that literally, it really stinks in here, there is animal crap everywhere. Can we move this somewhere else, I cant breathe in here, it smells like a zoo in here. You can move me to solitary confinement. Does it smell better, yes. Okay, move me there. Very funny, are you going to turn on the lights? No. How do you expect me to write with no lights, Im sure some people wish that I had written this in the dark, because it probably would have turned out better. Contrary to popular belief, I did not turn my brain off when I wrote this story. I probably should have though, but since Im not taking the blame for this story, its all good. Can I change the title to, I blame Stephen King? No, because that title has already been used. I would settle for, I blame Stephen King Part Two. Someone is writing that now. I know what I can call it, I blame Stephen King Part Three. Yes, Im aware that it wouldnt have anything to do with those other stories, but they did the same thing with the Halloween movies. Halloween one and two were about Michael Myers, a psycho. Halloween three had nothing to do with Michael Myers, I think it was about psycho monkeys or something. It wasnt about psycho monkeys, well, it shouldve been about psycho monkeys, more people mightve watched it if it had been about psycho monkeys. The Halloween movies after part three did cover Michael, parts 4 through 357. Okay, I exaggerated a little, there were only 350 of them. Okay, I exaggerated quite a lot, there were only 57 of them. I`m glad we finally got that straight. Okay, Im getting ready to get back to the story, but first, Im going to change the title. E. T. Brother presents, I Wrote This Story But Im Going To Blame Stephen King. I cant use that title, because it is too long and it wont fit on the front cover. Okay, I got it, new title. E. T. Brother presents, I Blame Stephen King Reboot. I can`t use that title. Why the hell can`t I use that title, it`s a good title. Because it is not like the original story called, I Blame Stephen King. Well, of course it`s nothing like that story, it would be a boring ass story if it was the same as that one. Well, for people that have read that story, I personally have no clue what that story is about because I haven`t read it. Why haven`t I read it, well for one thing because it has a really stupid title, it didn`t appeal to me. I`m sure it appealed to millions of readers around the world though, well maybe five people in that guys household, but to other people, not so much. Well, I guess it isn`t such a good title after all, since I don`t even like it. Well, I need a new title so everyone will stop bugging me to get on with the story already. I got it, new title. E. T. Brother presents, The Idiocy Chronicles. E. T. Brother presents, The Ravings Of A Madman. What the hell, where did those titles come from? Who is that laughing? I know whos laughing, you guys will have to excuse me for a moment. I have to go talk to The Blind Man. Who is the blind man, you ask. The Blind Man is the muse that lives in the basement. He is the one who comes up with all the good ideas, well, sometimes he comes up with good ideas, other times he comes up with really stupid ideas. Like those titles up above. I see Im going to have to straighten him out. Ill be back in a few minutes.
Posted on: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 11:42:38 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015