Patients Log: Sick date: 201405.14 YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP! GOD DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TA HELL! Those words echoed throughout my cranium as I surveyed the damage in the galley. The chef was inconsolable, the ones responsible for the unspeakable tragedy feared for their lives. It all started with the sickly green glow emanating from my closet, the mysterious sound of Wolfman Jack singing Stayin Alive opera style and a hamster in a hamster ball from the realm of the dead. Stay tuned folks, this ones a doozy! There is a bowling tournament unlike any other held in the realm of the dead. Formerly living hamsters from around the earthly globe come to the realm of the dead and take part in a soul sundering game of chainsaw limbo for the honor of driving hamster bowling balls. The winners compete for glory on the deceased celebrity bowling circuit, the losers are erased from existence. One hamster who was victorious, found himself in the service of one Wolfman Jack. During a game that decided the realm of the dead championship, Wolfman Jack was losing by a single pin against Dick Clark. After one roll by Wolfman Jack a single pin was all that was left between victory and defeat. The ball was thrown, the first lyrics of Stayin Alive was enthusiastically sung as the ball headed straight for the pin and another hamster bowling ball thrown by Vincent Price, who slipped on a banana peel tossed carelessly by Jim Henson, struck Wolfman Jack directly in his... Wolf berries. The injury caused the Wolfman to hit a note so high opera singers across the universe would be jealous, it also opened a portal to the world of the living that his hamster bowling ball careened straight through. I was staring into the green abyss when the hamster ball hit me in the face and crashed through the door. The portal closed and I laid paralyzed by the shock of it all. A freshly recruited Patient entered my quarters and advised me I should follow that hamster and I set off with the proton pack the new Patient gave me. In retrospect I still dont know where he got it nor how he knew Id need it. I chalked it up to the infinite improbability drive I heard he had smuggled into the Recovery Base and he would most likely be punished with repeated blows to the back of the head by a nurse. I trailed the rodent by the panicked squeaking it made all the way to the galley where two apprentice chefs were preparing two separate dishes in order to win the final position as assistant. The first chef created a super spicy burrito while the second went for an aromatic hummus and vegetable wrap. Unfortunately there were no more green tortillas with which to use for the veggie wrap. This is significant for two reasons: First, the apprentice creating the veggie wrap would lose points for originality and second, it is widely known hummus us highly explosive when exposed to microwaves and proton pack streams. The fates of the galley, the ghost hamster, the apprentices and culinary reality itself were sealed when both food items were accidentally placed on the same plate and thrown into the microwave Ultimate Frisbee style. The timer was set for five minutes, long enough for me to hunt down the hamster, shoot at it, miss and blast the microwave. There was a mushroom cloud, the hamster was vaporized, every surface in the galley was turned into delicious funnel cake and the apprentices were marched into the garden and executed by turkey baster firing squad. The VOOPA VOOPA sound the turkey basters made when they were emptied will haunt my nightmares until the day I die... Worse than that, the burrito that exploded in the accident was to be my own dinner.
Posted on: Thu, 15 May 2014 05:15:57 +0000
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