Patients Log Sick date: 201405.30 My muscles are the consistency of licorice, my bones are phasing from this dimension to one that seems to involve radio active Lime Jello and my brain ran off to Las Vegas without me or my permission. As of this moment, my existence is dependent upon a positronic steam powered artificial intelligence powered the tears of all of the nurses, doctors and C.N.A.s that have been forced to listen to the horrible puns, dirty limericks and hours upon hours of jokes involving the lack of my own legs. It began when I received orders from Ben the Physical Therapist to voyage to a planet just outside of the borders of the United Federation of Wellness without the use of my usual bed. For the first time in months, I would be in command of my own ship from the League of Non Aligned Geeks. I was informed via subspace transmission that the planet was known as Jiggly Puff. When I inquired as to the reason anyone would give their planet such a dippy name, the Admiral I spoke to merely shook his head and cut the transmission. When he did that I started to hurt in the head, wanting to be back in bed, wondering if Id end up dead... I hit myself in the skull with a toy squeaky hammer after realizing I rhymed for no reason and called for a status report. Planet Jiggly Puff was in sensor range, I called for it to be shown on the main view screen after kicking out some redshirts who never could figure out how to get the local Chocobo beauty pageant and death joust into the picture in picture feature. I sat in horrified confusion, planet Jiggly Puff consisted of Jelly Belly jelly beans with an atmosphere consisting of most of the elements found on earth with the addition of a minuscule amount of Kool-Aid dust. The United Federation of Wellness was intimately connected to this planet as Patients were welcomed often for various injuries incurred while on a Kool-Aid hurricane induced sugar high. Scientists discovered the origins of the planet when they discovered the wreckage of a cargo vessel the size of Jupiter which had been carrying the aforementioned Kool-Aid powder and Jelly Belly jelly beans originally bound for the planet Trix. Named after a certain rabbit who had been exiled there after a twisted rampage involving some sadistic children, a cereal box and a machete fashioned out of Jolly Ranchers. The shipment, which turned into a planet in the fiery explosion of the giant cargo ship when a janitor slipped on his own Wet Floor sign and slipped head first into the ships warp core, was to be an offering by the inhabitants of the planet. The civilization had evolved from the toxic waste stemming from the production of long forgotten Fraggle themed McDonnalds Happy Meal toys who came to worship the murderous rabbit as their god. The ship was hastily blasted into space bound for the center of Earths sun before any environmental protesters could hunt down the C.E.O. of McDonnalds and drowned in organic aloe. The ship which carried the fluorescent colored goo was knocked off course during the nearly two week old quiche flinging incident at Recovery Base Orchard Park and landed on a rogue asteroid located in the crotch of the constellation Orion. After the crash course in the origins of our destination, I was informed we were to meet the planets ruler King Fartlick. Our mission was to negotiate the transfer of Dr. Pepper misting machines designed to heal wounds inflicted on people from his planet and give them cotton candy as a treat for being brave. We found ourselves in the offices of the Interplanetary Lollipop Guild, an organization responsible for installing Tootsie Roll dispensers into the galaxys top government offices to prevent tantrums. They were in the middle of one of their week long galactic wide telethon and Cirque Du Soleil performances, when King Fartlick made a surprise appearance. I always wondered where they found the design for the thousands of Troll dolls found everywhere in the galaxy, the being who walked into the center of the facility gave me my answer. He was three feet tall with snow cone purple hair and walked with tiny quick steps reminding me of Marvin the Martian. Eh? Whatsa mattah you? He asked in the traditional Jiggly Puff greeting with a high cutesy voice that threatened to make my eyeballs explode. Ay! We got the stuff, give us the goods ya mook! I hoped my reply was appropriate, rumors of executions by lethal Elephant Irish Step Dance when the wrong response was uttered were prevalent and frightening. King Fartlick turned, dropped trow and mooned me with gusto, I would be spared! He then snapped his fingers and the Cirque Du Soleil performers sprang into dizzying and confusing action. Spinning and flipping all around me as the Dr. Pepper misters were summoned from the under world by My Little Pony sacrifice. I ordered my crew to give the three thousand tons of fried tofu as payment and my mission ended. As I docked at Recovery Base Orchard Park, the chef met me at the entrance. He put pink fuzzy handcuffs on me and arrested me on charges of planetary annihilation. I had mistakenly given the inhabitance of the now popcorn popped Jiggly Puff boxes of anti-matter super bouncy balls.
Posted on: Fri, 30 May 2014 16:47:15 +0000
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