Piscenes: Mercury, the planet of barometers, joining the Sun in your fellow water sign of Cancer, your 5th house of lucubration. Yesterday one shower was enough to turn you cold chicken, but today youve decided that the truth hurts less than the rod spares. Yesterdays unedited Piscenes: accident and injury helpline: Has your little cherub been mauled by a polar bear ? You may have a claim. We have a whole queue of contrary, nit-picking pedants ready to squeeze the life out of any organisation whose risk assessment for anything remotely remote has been subsequently proven, with the benefit of hindsight to be imperfect in the minutest detail of planning or execution and satan forbid, actually quite an intuitively dangerous thing to do in the first place. Weve dealt with huge claims like this in the past, like when James Lovells mother wanted damages for him not floating down from Apollo 13 on to a bed of feathered petals: we secured the compensation, but (having wasted millions of the taxpayers hard earned cash on a non-frivolous case) it turned out that it was a hoax claim, not from Mrs. Lovell senior at all. But, hey, had she wanted it, wed had it waiting for her in large piles of nonconsecutive folding notes, just so it will never happen to anyone else ever again. Unlucky Darwin award entry: a polar bear in its natural environment popping out for a takeaway for the wife. and I trust that none of you reading this will ever interrupt the natural grieving process of two hard working medics, with such a tangental, twisted hijacking of their desperate plight in order to make such a self-evident yet self-serving point. Aries: You need to get ready for the arrival of Jupiter next week in your errogeneous zone, beware its a gas giant. Lucky cushion: Whoopee Taurine: Mercury the planet of anal retention moves into Cancer midweek, your 3rd house of dealing with people who you dont care about and errands. Over the weekend a Full Moon in your fellow earth sign of Capricorn, your 9th house of navel-gazing leads you on. Lucky For sale on ebay: a lesser known moon of Pluto Swillings: Come on Brazil, it could have been worse: our under fourteen team once lost 9-0 to Westerham Reds in the league making an aggregate of 16-0 for home and away fixtures, no mums and dads shed a tear. However when we met them in the cup at the end of the season and turned a half time 1-0 deficit into a 5-1 win, it is fair to say that the celebrations alone made up for the earlier results. Mankini-up, show us youre Brazilian. Unlucky visitor: Josef Mengele. Cancer: So Armstrong has finally admitted that he was lying all along: look, no one cares about the moon, mate, it was the lying down and pretending to have been there which was bothering us, because we love to know that you are no better than we are, but we hate you getting away with pretending that you are better than everyone else. You let us down, you let the fans down, and most of all you let those poor beggars who died of cancer with you as their hero and their last utterences of Armstrong. down, you made them look as stupid as you felt when you found out about Santa and that you werent Jesus. Lucky person: anyone who is not Lance flicking Armstrong, what a muppet. Youre not strong-arming this one, you boil in the anal passage of humankind. Lionly: You decide to take up over-fifties sevens: thatll be four years to train then. Lucky training interruption: mid life crisis crones disease. Chased: Wiggo has offered to ride from Lands End to John OGroats in a time trial then swim to France while holding his bike above the water, followed by cycling to the start of the next stage, if he can sub for the broom. But we all know hes urinating up a rope with soap attached it. Lucky tour: next time, son, next time. Equalitees: Not many people wearing Brazil tops in town today, flicking fair weather supporters, just like those Liverpool fans whove been quiet for a decade or two. Up until last season when you couldnt pick your nose for so-called die-hard fans thundering into every darkened room. Lucky team to support: local. Scorcio: Time to shave off that tribute to the masters of the beautiful game, careful with that cut-throat razor down there. Lucky regrowth: hirsute. Archers: the dutch are going to be asking after their bicycles before the end of the week and pro-argentinian supporters (ie the Argentinian SAS) will fly the Argentinian flag over Port Stanleys post office and wield AK47s threatenly (how else can you wield an AK47 ? camply ? Oooooo-o-ooohhh ! An AK47 ! That reminds me of a battery powered toy I used to have, come on boys, Im due a bathroom break. Lucky colour: a row of pink tents. Popcornography: Russia and China conduct more dope tests than anyone else. Lucky national mood swing: over-compensating. Nefarious: The man who groomed a nation, No, gurianiad, try as you might, the Vile one will never be purged as simply as that. Most of us smelt an over-avuncular, over-compensatory projection-artist breed from a televisions distance away. But, hey, as the foreign office would say, he was our predatory paedofile. Lucky upbringing: knowing that there was something wrong with SaVile. Unlucky relly status: being anything remotely related to Jimmy the Vile. You poor bastards, my heart goes out to you, hopefully no-one will ever know how you have suffered, Lance pales by comparison.
Posted on: Wed, 09 Jul 2014 19:30:38 +0000
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