Polly West asked an interesting question, what is Lonely Lotus? Well it started of as just a page name but very quickly fans of the page adopted it as my name. But where did the name come from? When I started the page I was very lonely in my illnesses and looking for people who were suffering like myself. At the same time I was determined to rise up out of the darkness and recover, hence the lotus symbology. But the page name actually comes from a poem I wrote in one of my darkest periods before I started the page. The poem was titled Lonely Lotus. When I started the page I decided to use the title of the poem as I felt that the poem best reflected where I was and where I wanted to be in my recovery. I have posted the poem several times before but its been a long time since the last post and therefore I think many people on the page may not have seen it, so I am posting it again. Lonely Lotus By Jason Carmichael Lonely punished boy, inside a lost broken man. Love hate, black white, blades of a rotating fan. Vulnerable, angry, impulsive child. Compliant, detached, man gone wild. Strong hands, dirty legs, memories turn demons in my head, Whiskey breathe, broken plates, never safe in my child bed. A child drunk, crying for a tortured brother, Drink to powder, tears for a screaming mother. Child grows to man, never taught to be, Past memories fade, lost in a dark sea. A single blade bent, grass in the sun, My worth in my head, a loaded gun. A sound drifts across, someones fence, My gaze on a door, it makes no sense. A child in the distance, a horrible scream, My sleepless nights, now a waking dream. An ember hisses, the end of my smoke, My thoughts are lost, unforgivingly choke. A lone fly lands, a forgotten sore. Feet frozen still, minds dirty floor. A loved one touches, cold numb arm, The black dog patrols, nasty charm. A broom sweeps slowly, a mess I made, Self-esteem melts, the suns hateful shade. Just leave me alone, Im no longer home. Please come back, so lonely in my dome. I love you I hate you, I want my Mother. Ugly and stupid, wanted by no other. A slight breeze lands, a stroke to my face, My confusion seduced, thoughts lost in space. No respite now, a tormented soul, A soul battered, empty black hole. An army of ants weave, a broken man’s madness, My soul pulled deeper, silence of endless sadness. A lone bird chirps, a sound unclear, My time to decide, paralysed by fear. A young woman talks, so kindly to me, My anger blinds me, Kindness I dont see. A star sign talks, opportunities ahead, My dreams nothing, simply dead. Cold toilet patiently waits, I cannot give, My pessimism reinforces, I do not live. A bang comes, from deep within the house, Courage shakes, a disease riddled mouse. A cold sheet lays, naked ugly skin, Sadness released, tears of his sin. A car drives past, veins of speed, Paranoia suffocates, solitude I need. A gush of water, a crescendo of sound, I search frantically, I cannot be found. For a moment I touch, a single hair. Panic spirals now, utter despair. Just leave me alone, Im no longer home. Please come back, so lonely in my dome. I love you I hate you, I want my Mother. Ugly and stupid, wanted by no other A shake that builds, an uncontrollable state, Dogs breathe rancid, laying more bait. A head that hurts, life time of pain, Pacing in circles, lost in the rain. A voice of concern, I have no feelings, My eyes dart wildly, cold bedroom ceiling. Always hopeless, I want it to end. Perception distorted, decisions bend. A stomach starved, a greedy dog, Lungs suffocated, self-loathing smog. Light switches on, voices in my head, My fear explodes, I crawl into bed. I lay motionless, a beast on my chest, The dogs eyes watching, can I rest. A storm of painful impulses, emotions untamed, Denial a strong heartbeat, loved ones so blamed. The dogs lingering smell, a burning nose, Thoughts of time, people and place I chose. A heart that pounds, an enteral ache, A good man I know, I will never make. Mood on a swing, lonely cold park. Face a mask, feelings in the dark. Worthless and defective, Im to blame. Running or screaming, a protective game. Just leave me alone, Im no longer home. Please come back, so lonely in my dome. I love you I hate you, I want my Mother. Ugly and stupid, wanted by no other. I am my lifes lotus, destined to bloom, From mud to sun, escaping the gloom. This is not my own, its all our story, To find oneself, your beautiful glory.
Posted on: Tue, 26 Aug 2014 05:53:33 +0000
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