Proudly raising a self advocate. And sometimes “hating him. Last night Liam got a haircut. Those of you who know Liam, know his hair is very important to him. He tends to it constantly. It must be just so. You’ll often catch him pausing during some activity, distracted, fingering his hair into place while examining himself in the closest reflective object. Usually a mirror, but a window or other shiny object will suffice. He needs to be coaxed away from the mirror in the morning so he doesn’t miss the school bus. We debated long about the haircut. He wanted to grow his hair long, which is fine. But it was very shaggy and needed a trim. It had been many, many weeks since his last haircut, and the obsessive styling was getting to be too much. He needed it shaped to reduce the maintenance. Plus school pictures are next week. We discussed how he could keep it long if he wanted. We discussed he could have whatever style he desired. And finally, he acquiesced and agreed to a trim. At which point he was annoyed he had to wait for a haircut and couldn’t have it right away. He loves, Sean, his hairstylist, so he talked a lot about Sean in anticipation of their appointment. “Talk about Sean Burke!” So we’d do that, and chat about how we like him, that Sean is talented and friendly. Liam pointed out Sean is charming too. True. The routine for the haircut is: Liam prefers we drop him and sit in the waiting area, or more ideally out in the car while he gets his haircut “independently”. Fair enough. But this time he and I agreed I could join him just to discuss with Sean the style he wanted since that can be somewhat tricky to explain. Liam reluctantly saw the wisdom in that. Once we told Sean the details of the style, off I went to Starbucks then returned to sit obediently in the waiting area. Pretty soon I heard Liam repeating to Sean. “Cut more. Right HERE!” and pointing to various spots on his head. Oh, boy. And what you have to know about Sean is that he has perhaps the most precise technique I’ve ever seen on a stylist. He’s a brilliant and unbelievably talented professional. Just what he needed — Liam art directing his haircut. Eventually I realize that Sean could use some help navigating Liam’s frustration and bossy direction. By this point Liam has abandoned keeping his long hair, kept repeating “Shave it all off!” and was getting loud and agitated we didn’t fully understand where his vision was heading. Sean and I tried, but whatever adjustments Sean made, Liam continued to point, bark orders and get really mad we just weren’t seeing his vision. The situation got tense, uncomfortable, and was escalating. Deep breath. Crap. I get it. He basically wants a mullet. Sean and I lock eyes - dramatic pause - and finally give in. Fashion will have to take a back seat to respect. It’s Liam’s hair. He’s 18. And he’s mad we’re trying to steer him to a more attractive direction. He wins. Fashion be damned. Here comes a mullet. Sean will never have to spend any time in purgatory after this life; he will go directly into heaven for the patience and kindness he showed to Liam. I also told Liam on the way home how proud I was he told us what hairstyle he wanted, that he was allowed to demand his rights but we chatted about how he could be less aggressive when people don’t understand him so well. We agreed next time going with a photo might help. Growing up is a tricky thing for anyone. Those of us raising kids with a history of cognitive and communication challenges often had to battle behavior issues too. That’s code for we parented through a childhood that often included violence, injury, intense experiences that sometimes felt (or were) life and death. We’ve had more than our share of humiliating and embarrassing public experiences. We often just want the easiest outcome, or the shortest distance between two points, just for sanity sake. So in situations that get sticky, or where we need to ask others to be extra patient, kind or stretch their comfort zone, we may want to just push for compliance from our kid. Meaning - we just want them to do what we say, even if it’s not what they want. Just once, we’d like it to be easy, quick and painless. At 18, Liam has the right to speak up for himself. We work hard to encourage him to be a self advocate. But that also demands we need to slow down, listen loudly, lean in deeply to hear what he needs. It often means we help him negotiate his way in the world and teach him how to express himself effectively in a world that moves very fast and doesn’t listen very well. It also means he doesn’t always get what he wants, but he gets to always express it. And ideally feel heard. We often have to help the world understand Liam, too, and ask others to listen and try to understand. We will try, we will fail, we will succeed and we will try again. In the end, Liam’s hair is beautiful. Sean did great. It’s the best semi-mullet anyone’s ever had. But before it feels like a real happy ending, full disclosure: the stressful experience caused me to run a red arrow driving home while Liam was stimming full speed next to me in the car. The cost of this kind of parenting is the stress we go through. And I’m fairly certain all parents find those moments when they “hate” their teen. That is part of parenting. And the teens hate the parents. We all did when we were teens too. However, raising kids like ours is hard work in a different way. It feels imperfect. There never feels like earned clean victories or home runs. It all feels like it has a cost. Lifelong care-type parenting can feel endless, lonely and hard. So I’m passing this on in case others can relate, and then the victory is in the sharing, making the journey less lonely.
Posted on: Fri, 03 Oct 2014 03:00:19 +0000
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