RW January 2010|Training>Running Tips A Few Rules to Run By What you need to know about short shorts, porta-potty lines, and other unspoken principles of the runners code. By Mark Remy (Google+); Published January 04, 2010 Running is simple. You dont need a room full of pricey equipment or to phone in advance for a tee time. Running doesnt even require much skill—nothing could be easier. Naturally, there are tons of rules. Not for the act of running itself, but about the code, largely unspoken, that governs behavior and informs decisions in situations that every runner encounters sooner or later: Did that driver really just cut me off, and am I within my rights to flip him the bird? What do I tell a marathoner lurching along at mile 20 like a zombie in search of brains? Here are some answers to such quandaries. None of these are rules in the USA Track & Field Competition Rules Book, because you wont find rules there on passing gas during a group run. Instead, these are guidelines to make running a little bit happier, healthier, and more fun for everyone. Because the first rule of running is just that: Have fun. Have Fun No other fact is so fundamental to running: Done properly, running is fun. Even when you do it improperly, running is still inherently, liberatingly fun. If you doubt this, just spend a few minutes watching a child or a dog in any wide open space. Their glee is instinctual and undeniable. I believe it was Aristotle who said, Tramps like us, baby, we were born to run. Enjoy it. After all, there arent many animal impulses that we can act on in public without getting arrested. Adapted from The Runners Rule Book, by Mark Remy (Rodale). Click here to purchase a copy. Expand Your Sense of Fun As a runner, your definition of fun—which might once have included water parks, screwball comedies on DVD, and scrapbooking—must be, well, lets just say broadened and might include: Waking up at 5:30 a.m. to run 10 miles Running in blistering heat Running in the rain Running in 400-meter circles Feeling as if your lungs are about to explode Paying good money for the privilege of turning your toenails black Any combination of the above Black Toenails Are Badges of Honor Run long enough and youll wind up ruining a toenail or two. Whether its because your shoes are too big or too small or because youve run a race with punishing downhills or the toenail gods happen to be in a foul mood, someday you will peel off your socks and see black where once there was pink. Congratulations! These bruised nails are tiny trophies conferred upon you for toughing it out. Just dont flash them in public. Run Like a Dog My dog, a shepherd mix named Cooper, doesnt care where we are or what time of day it is, or even what the weather is like. He doesnt know what his resting heart rate is and rarely bothers to wear a watch. He just loves to run. And every time he does, his face and his body telegraph one simple message: This. Is. AWESOME. Im runningrunningrunningrunning! The Run Like a Dog Workout (Including Warmup and Cooldown) Walk 8 seconds. Trot 4 seconds. Stop. Sniff. Sprint 7 seconds. Freeze. Walk 5 seconds in any direction but forward. Stare 9 seconds. Lunge at rabbit. Double back, walk 3 seconds. Urinate. Repeat six times. Collapse on rug. Let Angry Motorists Go I understand the impulse when a driver has just pulled out in front of you or turned directly in your path or otherwise behaved like a jerk. I know how much youd love to slap the trunk of that drivers car, or shout at the person behind the wheel, helpfully suggesting that he or she learn to drive. Or extend a certain digit in a certain direction. Do yourself—and all runners—a favor and fight that impulse. Smile. Your lashing out isnt likely to change the drivers behavior, and may, in fact, worsen it. For all you know, the still-seething guy may drive extra close to the next runner he sees, just to make a point. Let him go. The Open-Ended Question Is Your Friend Running with someone whos faster than you? Is this person oblivious to your gasping? If so, its time to deploy that surefire weapon of struggling runners everywhere: Ask the offending speedster a question so broad, he or she could spend 10 minutes answering it. And just might! This is particularly useful on long hills. Say, hows the job? Any vacation plans this year? Popular culture: How about it, huh? For Petes Sake, Stand Still at Red Lights Sharks die when they stop moving. Runners do not. Keep this in mind next time you encounter a dont walk sign at a busy intersection. Theres no need to jog in place or dance from foot to foot like you have to pee. Just chill. Wait a few moments. Note: If a nonrunner waiting with you at the crosswalk is dancing from foot to foot, he or she may indeed have to pee. Give this person wide berth. Learn and Love The Farmers Blow Mastering the farmers blow (or snot rocket) is a must for any runner. Heres how to do it right: Breathe in through your mouth, like youre gasping. Lay a forefinger against one nostril and compress firmly. Purse your lips. Cock your head slightly in the direction of the open nostril and exhale forcefully through your nose. Repeat with opposite nostril, if needed. Adapted from The Runners Rule Book, by Mark Remy (Rodale). Click here to purchase a copy. Lookin good!...and other runners lies Lying is not something we normally endorse. But its perfectly acceptable to tell a runner that he is looking good at mile 19 of a marathon when, in fact, he looks like an insomniac whos trying to sneeze, and is confused because someone has switched his running shoes with replicas made of concrete. The go-to lie is Lookin good! Or you could say, If I werent so awed by the apparent ease with which youre navigating this course, I might be angry with you for nearly knocking me unconscious with your very awesomeness! The key is to say something. Even a zombie appreciates encouragement. Running Rules of Thumb 1. If you see a porta potty with no line, use it. Even if you dont need to. 2. If you have to ask yourself, Does this driver see me? The answer is no. 3. If you have to ask yourself, Are these shorts too short? The answer is yes. 4. 1 glazed doughnut = 2 miles 5. You rarely regret the runs you do; you almost always regret the runs you skip. 6. Not everyone who looks fast really is, and not everyone who looks slow really is. 7. Nobody has ever watched Chariots of Fire from beginning to end. Not even the people who made it. 8. You can never have too many safety pins on your gym bag. 9. Running any given route in the rain makes you feel 50 percent more hard-core than covering the same route on a sunny day. 10. If you care even a little about being called a jogger versus a runner, youre a runner. Pass Gas, Not Judgment Runners ingest a fair amount of healthy foods, which produce gas in the GI tract, where it cannot stay forever. Especially when that GI tract is bounced and jostled. Passing gas while running is excusable and inevitable, but... You may not mock another runner for having passed gas, unless he has previously mocked you for the same or unless he mocks himself. If a runner has taken pains to mask flatulence, pretend nothing happened. Its fun to pretend that the gas you expelled is propelling you forward, like a little booster rocket. That isnt really a guideline, though, is it? Never Leave a Man Behind... Unless He Insists Hes Okay with It Its fine to ask once or twice if a straggler is okay or if he wants you to slow down for him. Asking three or more times, however, is more likely to annoy than to help. Take the straggler at his word and run accordingly. Smile at Your Critics A few people will never miss a chance to tear running down, or jab its adherents in the chest with a rhetorical finger. Oddly enough, the most vocal of such critics are often in terrible health themselves. Bad for your joints, theyll jab. Youll get arthritis, theyll jab. Running marathons? theyll ask, jabbingly, between sips of their Big Gulp. Thatll kill ya. The best response is to continue running and loving it. Meantime, try inviting these critics to join you for a short run. Who knows? Maybe someday theyll accept your invitation. Runners Do Not Shave Their Legs Exceptions include most North American women; runners about to undergo some sort of leg surgery; runners who are competitive swimmers, cyclists, or triathletes; and runners who dont care what anyone thinks because they just like the way smooth legs feel, especially against cotton sheets, and anyway, whats the big deal? A PR Is a PR Forever, But... You may advertise a personal record (PR) time, or otherwise claim it as your own with no further explanation for two years after setting it. After two years, however, it becomes uncool to tell people, My marathon PR is 3:12 without providing a disclaimer--e.g., My marathon PR is 3:12, but I ran that 63 years ago. Adapted from The Runners Rule Book, by Mark Remy (Rodale). Click here to purchase a copy. Remove Your Hat For The National Anthem Manners and common courtesy apply, even during a race and even if your hat is made of technical sweat-wicking fabrics. When Elastic Is Gone, Man, It Is Gone Men, this one is for you. You paid good money for those shorts. You love those shorts. Youve raced in those shorts. But sooner or later you will pull them on and feel roomy gaping where once there was a snug liner. This means that the elastic down there has gone slack. You will be tempted to wear them anyway. Dont. Never Miss a Chance To Thank a Volunteer Even if youre running the race of your life, you can still manage a bit of eye contact and a nod as you grab a cup of water from an outstretched hand. Even if it feels like your quads are quite literally on fire, you can manage to sputter a short thanks to the course marshal standing in the intersection. It will make the volunteer feel good. And you, too. 5 Topics Guaranteed To Get a Runners Dander Up 1. Walking in Marathons: Good or Bad? 2. Running with Headphones: Good or Bad? 3. Dean Karnazes: Good or Bad? 4. Barefoot Running: Good or Bad? 5. Charity Runners: Good or Bad? Before You Remove Your New Running Shoes from The Box, You Must Smell Them Open the box. Peel back the tissue paper. Behold those pristine shoes. Then lift the box to your face and breathe deeply. Mmmm. Smells like potential. And possibly toxins. But mostly potential. Adapted from The Runners Rule Book, by Mark Remy (Rodale). To order your copy, go to runnersrulebook/mag. RELATED ARTICLES Run, Run, Repeat Consistency in training is the key to long-term success. Collision Course Americas roads have become an all-too-frequent (and fatal) meeting place for distracted drivers and hard-to-spot runners. Heres how to protect yourself. Rules of the Road Some things runners must do to avoid a colliding with a vehicle. Time Machines High-tech watches that fit your goals and your budget. Comments
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