Reading Nonverbal Communication: Use less speech to say more! Many of the social and communication challenges people on the spectrum have are related to difficulties in reading the nonverbal communication that makes up 80% of our interactions. They listen to our words very literally, and have extreme difficulty reading the nonverbal communication (facial expressions, gestures, body posture, and fluctuations in voice) that are associated with these words which provide the perspective, meaning, and intentions behind what is said. Most sharing of thoughts, feelings, and perspectives (which is the essence of relating) occur through nonverbal communication. When our children are young we focus heavily on teaching them to speak (or us other forms of expressive communication). Many do become very efficient in speaking and literally communicating their needs, thoughts, and perspectives. However, they do not learn how to read the others to understand what they are truly saying; to read between the words to get what they mean. In the early years, infants and toddlers first learn to communicate nonverbally before ever learning to speak. The parent and child learn to communicate and relate with vocal noises, animated facial expressions, gestures, and other nonverbal actions. The child can read our facial expressions and voice fluctuations to share an experience with us. Children learn how to relate before learning to speak. In fact this motivation to “relate” becomes strong incentive for learning to talk. This reading of nonverbal communication does not come easy for most on the spectrum. Instrumentally, we often teach them to talk before they learn how to relate nonverbally. We teach them the words before teaching them how to read the hidden meaning behind the words. As they get older, the children become ‘bound” to the spoken word, and tied to reading them literally. Unfortunately, since our spoken words are rarely used literally, they are often lost when relating with others. It is important to teach the child how to reference faces to more effectively read the nonverbal communication. They need to references faces for information. Since children on the spectrum are stimulus bound on the spoken word, they cannot “listen to you” and “look at you” at the same time. For many children they most look away to hear what you are saying. They cannot do both at the same time. For those with auditory processing problems, they may need to visually look at the mouth to better interpret what you are saying. They are not both hearing what you are saying and reading your nonverbal communication at the same time. They are usually missing all the added hidden information. To help teach the child how to read nonverbal communication, we must say less, and communicate more through nonverbal language. Most facial gazing will occur when use less words and more nonverbal language. Use less words and more animated facial expressions and exaggerated gestures to communicate. I do not prompt eye contact, just invite it. I let them have total choice and control in “choosing” to look at me. When inviting the child to “relate” with me, I tone down the verbal speech and up the use of nonverbal (facial expressions, gestures, etc.). I have to make a conscious effort to say much less, to get them to reference my face and actions for information and meaning. They have to “pay attention” to my nonverbal language to understand what is needed. This is not easy for people at first. We are used to talking way too much to “direct” the children, rather than simply relate with them. To help foster the child to both read nonverbal language as well as expressively use nonverbal communication build the following into your daily interactions. 1. Try to say less and communicate more nonverbally. 2. To highlight your nonverbal language use animated facial expressions, exaggerated gestures, and excited vocal noises to communicate. 3. Use speech as secondary to augment your nonverbal language. Let the child reference your nonverbal communication first before adding words to augment it. 4. When doing activity together get used to not verbally prompting the child through steps but use more head nodding, gestures, and facial expressions to signal whose turn it is, what to do, and when to do it. Get used to shaking your head “yes” to signal go or your turn, and “no” to signal not yet or wrong way. 5. This limiting verbal speech requires the child to check in with you to read your nonverbal communication. 6. Most importantly make sure to highlight emotion sharing since affect is the motivator for relating. 7. At first the child may resist stopping to referencing you and simply charge ahead without “checking in”. Stop the action at this time and wait for the child to reference you again before moving forward. This can be frustrating for the child at first, so be patient and hang in there. 8. Throughout the day, slow your interactions down and learn to use more facial expression and gestures to highlight what to do, when to do it, and celebrate doing it! Essentially, teaching children to read nonverbal communication first starts with teaching parents to say less and highlight their nonverbal language. This is hard to do and requires a lot of practice. You need to learn to hesitate from speaking first and lead with your nonverbal language. First show it, let them reference it, and then say it. Use words to augment what you are doing, not direct what you are doing. Get their attention, animate it, pause for them to read it, and then add words to augment it. It takes a lot of time and practice, but becomes natural for both of you over time.
Posted on: Tue, 05 Aug 2014 17:05:46 +0000