SHREK Shrek: [to Donkey] WHY are you following me? Donkey: Oh, Ill tell you why. [starts to sing] Donkey: Cause Im all alone / Theres no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / Theres no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends... Shrek: STOP SINGING! Well, its no wonder you dont have any friends! Donkey: Wow! Only a TRUE friend would be that cruelly honest! Share this quote Donkey: Whoa. Look at that. Whod wanna live in a place like that? Shrek: That would be my home. Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY. You know, youre really quite a decorator. Its amazing what youve done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder. Share this quote [eyeing the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shreks home] Donkey: You, uh... you dont entertain much, do you? Shrek: I like my privacy. Donkey: Yknow, me too. Thats another thing we have in common. I hate it when youve got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they wont leave, and then theres that big awkward silence... [big awkward silence ensues] Donkey: ...Can I stay with you? Shrek: What? Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please? Shrek: Of course! Donkey: Really? Shrek: NO! Donkey: Please! I dont wanna go back there, you dont know what its like to be treated as a freak!... Well, maybe you do... but thats why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Share this quote Donkey: We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, Im making waffles! Share this quote [Shrek discovers the seven dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table] Shrek: Oh, no no no no! Dead broad OFF the table! Dwarf: Well, where are we supposed to put her? The beds taken! Shrek: Huh? [rushes over to his bed to find... ] Big Bad Wolf: What? Share this quote Lord Farquaad: [playing with Gingys legs] Run, run, run as fast as you can / You cant catch me, Im the Gingerbread Man! Gingerbread Man: Youre a monster! Lord Farquaad: [tossing legs away] Im not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others? Gingerbread Man: Eat me! [spits in Farquaads face] Lord Farquaad: Ive tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or Ill... [reaches down] Gingerbread Man: NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! Lord Farquaad: All right, then! Whos hiding them? Gingerbread Man: Okay, Ill tell you... Do you know... the Muffin Man? Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man? Gingerbread Man: The Muffin Man. Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. W-who lives down on Drury Lane? Gingerbread Man: Well, shes married to the Muffin Man... Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man? Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN! Lord Farquaad: Shes married to the Muffin Man... Share this quote Lord Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Magic Mirror: Well, technically, youre not a king. Lord Farquaad: Ah, Thelonius? [Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass] Lord Farquaad: You were saying? Magic Mirror: [nervous] Er, I mean youre not a king YET! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess... Lord Farquaad: Go on... Share this quote Magic Mirror: [telling Lord Farquaad about his bachelorettes] So, just sit back and relax, my Lord, because Im about to give you todays three eligible bachelorettes. [the mirror shows images of Cinderella] Magic Mirror: Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Lets hear it for Cinderella! [changes to images of Snow White] Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, shes not easy. Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White! [changes to Princess Fiona] Magic Mirror: And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava! But dont let that cool you off. Shes a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing: Princess Fiona! So, who will it be? Bachelorette #1? Bechelorette #2? Or Bachelorette #3? [Farquaads advisors start calling out their choices, with Thelonious saying #3] Lord Farquaad: Uhhh, Number 3! Magic Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you have chosen... Princess Fiona. Share this quote [arriving at Duloc] Shrek: [observing a giant building] That must be Lord Farquaads castle... Do you think hes maybe compensating for something? Share this quote Donkey: Hey, look at this! [he goes up to an information booth and pulls a lever. After some clicking, many mechanized marionettes pop out and begin singing] ClockworkChorus: Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town / Here we have some rules, let us lay them down: / Dont make waves, stay in line / And well get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place ClockworkChorus: Please keep off of the grass /Shine your shoes, wipe your... FACE! / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect... place! [the booth takes Donkey and Shreks photo, showing them stunned] Donkey: Wow. Lets do that again! Shrek: [grabs Donkey] No! No, no no no. No. Share this quote Donkey: I just know, before this is over, Im gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin. Share this quote [Donkey keeps humming the Duloc song] Shrek: All right, youre going the right way for a smacked bottom. Donkey: Sorry bout that. Share this quote Lord Farquaad: [to his knights] The winner of this tournament - no, no, the privilege - will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona from the fiery pit of that dragon! Should the winner fail to return, the runner-up shall take his place, and so on and so forth... Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. Share this quote [Shrek enters the tournament] Lord Farquaad: Whats that? Its hideous! Shrek: Well, thats not very nice. [looks at Donkey] Shrek: Its just a donkey. Share this quote Shrek: Thank you, thank you very much. Im here til Thursday. Try the veal. Share this quote Donkey: Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaadll give you back your swamp, which you only dont have cause he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? Shrek: You know what? Maybe theres a good reason donkeys shouldnt talk. Share this quote Shrek: For your information, theres a lot more to ogres than people think. Donkey: Example? Shrek: Example... uh... ogres are like onions! [holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs] Donkey: They stink? Shrek: Yes... No! Donkey: Oh, they make you cry? Shrek: No! Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin little white hairs... Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [walks off] Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. What about cake? Everybody loves cake! Shrek: I dont care what everyone else likes! Ogres are not like cakes. Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, Lets get some parfait, they say, Hell no, I dont like no parfait? Parfaits are delicious! Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later. Donkey: Parfaits gotta be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet! Share this quote [as they approach Fionas castle, Donkey smells the air] Donkey: Whoa, Shrek, did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that, my mouth was open and everything! Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, youd be dead! [sniffs] Shrek: Thats brimstone... we must be getting close. Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Dont be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelled, it wasnt no brim and it didnt come off no stone neither... Share this quote Donkey: Shrek, remember when you said that ogres have layers? Shrek: Oh, aye? Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make: donkeys dont have layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves. Shrek: Wait a second, donkeys dont have sleeves! Donkey: You know what I mean. Shrek: Oh, you cant tell me youre afraid of heights? Donkey: No, Im just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! Share this quote Donkey: Ill find those stairs. Ill whip their butt, too. Those stairs wont know which way theyre going... take drastic steps, kick it to the curb. Dont mess wit me. Im the Stair Master. Ive mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right now, Id step all over it... Share this quote [Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava] Donkey: Dont look down, dont look down, dont look down, keep on moving, dont look down... [a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey... ] Donkey: Shrek, Im looking down! Share this quote Shrek: Thatll do, Donkey. Thatll do. Share this quote Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin pain in the neck, anyway? Shrek: In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her. Donkey: I was talkin about the dragon, Shrek. Share this quote Shrek: Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up! Share this quote Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin for the Princess. Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. Donkey: How do you know that? Shrek: I read it in a book once. Donkey: Cool! You handle the dragon, Ill handle the stairs! Share this quote [Shrek rescues Fiona] Princess Fiona: What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. Shrek: Youve had a lot of time to plan this, havent you? Princess Fiona: [nodes] Mmmhhmm Share this quote Princess Fiona: [hears a roar] You didnt slay the dragon? Shrek: Its on my to-do list, now come on! Princess Fiona: But this isnt right! Youre meant to charge in, sword drawn, banners flying! Thats what all the other knights did! Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame! [They pass a skeleton of one of the unfortunate victims] Princess Fiona: Thats not the point...! Share this quote Donkey: Hi, Princess! Princess Fiona: It talks! Shrek: Yeah, its getting him to shut up thats the trick! Share this quote The Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that? She called me a noble steed. She thinks Im a steed. Share this quote Princess Fiona: [after Shrek and Donkey rescue her] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. Shrek: Uh, no... Princess Fiona: Why not? Shrek: I... have helmet hair. Princess Fiona: Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldnt... tst. Princess Fiona: But... how will you kiss me? Shrek: [bangs his head] What? That wasnt in the job description! The Donkey: Maybe its a perk! Princess Fiona: No, its destiny! You must know how it goes! The Knight rescues the Princess, and then they share true loves first kiss... The Donkey: With Shrek? Whoa, whoa, whoa... you think, you think that Shrek is your true love? Princess Fiona: Well, yes! [Shrek and Donkey look at each other and burst into laughter] Princess Fiona: What is so funny? Shrek: Lets just say, Im not your type, all right? Share this quote [Donkey and Shrek are looking at constellations in the night sky] The Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? Shrek: Well, theres, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Shrek: Thats the moon. The Donkey: Oh, okay. Share this quote [Shrek burps in front of Donkey and Fiona] The Donkey: Shrek! Shrek: What? Its a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. The Donkey: But thats no way to behave in front of a princess. [Fiona burps louder] Princess Fiona: Thanks. The Donkey: [to Shrek] Shes as nasty as you are. Share this quote Shrek: Hold the phone. Share this quote Princess Fiona: Well, when one lives alone, one has to learns these things in case theres... [points] Princess Fiona: Theres an arrow in your butt! Shrek: What? [looks at arrow] Shrek: Oh, would you look at that? Share this quote [looking for a certain type of flower] Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this would be so much easier if I wasnt COLOR-BLIND! Share this quote [Donkey thinks hes dying] The Donkey: Oh man. I cant feel my toes. [Looks down and yelps] The Donkey: I dont have any toes. [Sits down] The Donkey: I think I need a hug. Share this quote Donkey: Shrek! Hold up, Shrek! You got to wait for the line! Shrek: [about to burst into the cathedral] What are you talking about? Donkey: The line, the line you gotta wait for: the priests gonna say Speak now or forever hold your piece, and you rush in and say I object! Shrek: I dont have time for all that! [runs forward] Donkey: [stops Shrek] You love this woman, dont ya? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: Do you wanna hold her? Shrek: Yes! Donkey: Please her? Shrek: YES! Donkey: Then ya gotta, gotta try a little TENDERNESS! Chicks love that romantic crap! Shrek: All right, cut it out! When does this guy say the line? Donkey: ...We gotta check that out. Share this quote Princess Fiona: I wanted to show you before... [turns into an ogre] Shrek: Well... er... THAT explains a lot. Lord Farquaad: [revolted] Its disgusting! Share this quote [Shrek bursts into Fionas and Farquaads wedding] Lord Farquaad: Now really, its rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding? Share this quote Donkey: All right, nobody move! Ive got a dragon and Im not afraid to use it! Im a donkey on the edge! Share this quote [the dragon has eaten Lord Farquaad and spits out his crown] Donkey: Huh, celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [receives applause from the crowd] Donkey: Good evening, people. Share this quote Shrek: Fiona? Are you all right? [Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre] Princess Fiona: Yes. But, I dont understand. Im supposed to be beautiful. Shrek: But you are beautiful. Donkey: I was hoping this would be a happy ending... [Shrek and Fiona kiss] Share this quote Gingerbread Man: God bless us, everyone! Share this quote [first lines] [a fairytale book appears] Shrek: [narrating] Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by loves first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragons keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true loves first kiss. [tears out a page from the book and shuts it] Shrek: [laughs] Like THATs ever gonna happen! What a load of... [flushes toilet and comes out] Share this quote Princess Fiona: Where are you going? The exits over there! Shrek: [going to save Donkey] Well, I have to save my ass. Princess Fiona: [shocked] What kind of knight ARE you? Shrek: One of a kind. Share this quote Shrek: Does anyone know where this Farquaad guy is? [Donkey jumps up and down, shouting out] Donkey: Oh, I know! I know where he is! Shrek: Does anyone ELSE know where to find him? Donkey: Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me! Share this quote Shrek: So... what did Fiona say about me? Donkey: Ah, whatre you asking me for? Why dont you go and ask her! Shrek: The wedding! Well never make it in time! Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear! Where theres a will, theres a way. And I have a way. [blows a whistle, and Dragon appears in the sky; an overjoyed Shrek grabs Donkey and cuddles him] Donkey: All right, all right, thats enough. No one likes a kiss-ass. Share this quote Donkey: Youre so wrapped up in layers onion boy, youre afraid of your own feelings! Shrek: [hiding in the toilet] Go away! Donkey: See? There you are, doing it again! Just like you did to Fiona! All she ever did was like you maybe, even love you! Shrek: LOVE me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking! Donkey: She wasnt talking about you, okay? She was talking about... uh... somebody else. Shrek: [comes out] She... wasnt... talking about me? Share this quote Shrek: If I treat you so badly, then why did you come back, huh? Donkey: Because thats what friends do, they FORGIVE EACH OTHER! Shrek: Oh, yeah. Youre right, Donkey. I forgive you -for stabbing me in the back! Share this quote [Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp] Villager 1: Theres his lair... lets get him! Villager 2: Do you know what that thing could do? Itll grind your bones for its bread! Shrek: Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, theyre much worse! Theyll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin; theyll shave your liver; squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, its quite good on toast. Villager 1: [brandishes a torch at Shrek] BACK! Back, ya beast! Back! I warn ya! [Shrek licks his fingers and puts out the torch] Villager 1: Right. [Shrek roars at the villagers, rendering them petrified for some time] Shrek: [whispers] This is the part where you run away. [the villagers scarper off] Shrek: And stay out! Share this quote Shrek: Listen, little donkey, take a look at me! What am I? Donkey: Ah... really tall? Shrek: No! Im an OGRE! You know, grab your torch and pitchforks! Doesnt that bother you? Donkey: Nope. Shrek: Really? Donkey: Really, really. Shrek: [taken aback] Oh. Donkey: Man, I like you. Whats your name? Shrek: Er... Shrek. Share this quote Captain ofGuards: [to Shrek, after finding him and Donkey in the woods] You there! Ogre! Shrek: Aye? Captain ofGuards: [to both Shrek and Donkey] By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement - facility. Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army? [the Captain looks behind him and notices that his soldiers have run away, leaving their spears behind. He does the same] Share this quote Shrek: [to Donkey] I already told you, didnt I? Youre not coming home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! ME! Nobody else, understand? NOBODY! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! Donkey: But... I thought... Shrek: Yeah, well, you know what? You thought wrong. Share this quote [Blind Mouse is on Shreks shoulder, sniffing] Blind Mouse: I found some cheese. [Blind Mouse bites Shrek in the ear] Shrek: Ow! Blind Mouse: Ugh! Awful stuff. Share this quote The Donkey: Wait a minute, I know whats going on. Youre afraid of the dark. Princess Fiona: Why... yes! The Donkey: Dont worry, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark until... No, wait. Im still afraid of the dark. Share this quote The Donkey: [waking up] Uh... Whatd I miss? Whatd I miss? [suddenly notices the guards walking by] The Donkey: [trying to throw his voice] Who said that? Couldnt have been the donkey. Share this quote Princess Fiona: [as ogre] Donkey, shh, shh. Its me... in this body. Donkey: [gasps] Oh, my God, you ate the princess! Share this quote Merry Men: [singing] Ta da, da da da da - whoo! MonsieurHood: I steal from the rich and give to the needy... MerryMan: He takes a wee percentage... MonsieurHood: But Im not greedy - I rescue pretty damsels, man Im good! Merry Men: What a guy, ha ha, Monsieur Hood! MonsieurHood: Break it down... [Merry Men Irish step dance] MonsieurHood: I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... Merry Men: What hes basically saying is he likes to get... MonsieurHood: Paid! MonsieurHood: So, when an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, thats bad. MerryMan: [joining in] Thats bad, thats bad, thats bad! MonsieurHood: When a beautys with a beast it makes me awfully mad! Merry Men: Hes mad, hes really, really mad! MonsieurHood: Now Ill take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys, Cause Im about to start... [Fiona swoops in and kicks him - the music stops] Princess Fiona: Man, that was annoying! Share this quote Donkey: Say, Shrek, whatre we gonna do with our swamp? Shrek: OUR swamp? Donkey: You know, when were though rescuing the princess and all that... Shrek: Donkey, theres no we, no our. Theres just ME and MY swamp! And the first thing Im gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me very deep just now... You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out! Shrek: [sarcastic] No! You think? Donkey: Are you hiding something? Shrek: Let it go, Donkey. Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isnt it? Shrek: No, its one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things. Donkey: Why wont you talk about it? Shrek: Why do you WANT to talk about it? Donkey: Then why are you blocking? Shrek: Im not blocking! Donkey: Oh, yes you are! Shrek: Donkey, Im warning you... Donkey: Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek? Shrek: EVERYONE! All right? [pause] Donkey: Oh, now were getting somewhere! Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete...
Posted on: Sat, 29 Mar 2014 22:57:10 +0000
Trending Topics
© 2015