SHukura TheActor... April L Nixon...I read each of your statuses...and I think this is the first time that Im putting myself on blast on the subject.. I have been depressed many times...times I care not to even count... Ive been real low where Ive often found solace in the laughter of my children..but Ive always masked my feelings... .. I remember after the break-up of my first husband and feeling like I was worthless and incompetent and hurt and contemplated ending my life right there in the heart of NYC... I was broken...and really didnt know how to handle my life...my feelings...my career...I felt like Id put my career on hold to get married and start a family and then it all fell apart. I was cheating...he was cheating...and when it all culminated and he didnt even like me anymore...it was a mess. He was mean..and calculating...I was naive and looking for love and felt that I was to blame for my part in the unfaithfulness of my marriage. I was down in the dumps and knew that I was near death when Id stopped eating and looked at myself in the mirror and saw that my skin began to have dark ash grey undertones. I wanted to die. I felt hurt...bent...spent..and broken...and I wanted to die. And I knew just how I was going to do it...It took my oldest sister to bring me back to my senses. You have to know my sister to know how fierce she is when it comes to snapping one back into their senses. However, I never once gave her any inkling as to what my mind was thinking...(it was my little secret) she had no idea that shed just saved my life. I went through it yet, once again, with the break up.of my 2nd marriage. However, this time it was different... I was mortified and overcome with betrayal...when I found out that a dear friend of my husband and one whom Id entrusted with my very own son...and whom he called Aunty had taken my husband. Shed been a family friend for quite a few years-wed even gone to her wedding and danced all night......and I knew nothing...I should have thought more of it when the scarf (on my head) that says Jesus Saves caught a fire at her bday house party months before.. Nonetheless,...He was warning me and I was NOT listening. It was only in a dream during my 4th month of pregnancy that God would bring to light what was in the dark . When it truly came to light,...there was still much denial. He, too, was mean..but this time..I wasnt unfaithful.. I was a praying wife..and could only say that I was guilty of raising hell about the infidelity when I found out about it.....However, the anger,....the feelings of betrayal,...the letdown,...the resentment was all too real, and although Id mask that pain for years-a prisoner of my own emotions-I was in a spiritual warfare of wantIng to kill..and wanting to die-all at the same time!!!...Feelings of discouragement that I just couldnt shake.. Id never experienced anything like that before in my life.. I was going through the worst postpartum depression ever....because my youngest son was only 6 weeks old when we separated. ..Im still dealing with it on so many levels! Enemy memories haunt me every now and then, ...but. I have grown to love them both unconditionally...and I call them both my brother and sister.for she now has a son that is a little brother to my own sons whom I.love dearly an extension of my children and their father. Ive never ever typed any of this... But we were on the subject of depression and had I not had God and my church family and my blood sisters and brothers...I would not have made it through..... Thank you to my precious Mother..., thankyou Momma Deborah,.. Tina Seawright Joiner, .Cynthia Seawright, Marsha Sugar Cookie Seawright, Phi Phi Phyllis Seawright, Junebug Norman H Jr Seawright, Gwendolyn Quinn, Ebony JoAnn, Marvel Allen, Crystal Blake, Jackie Rhinehart, Melba Moore, Wanda Pierre, Pastor Frank Haye, Chrystalyn Terrell, Bryant Smith, Diane Love, Kandice Love, Obina Escort, Inaya Davis..and many others...Thanks for saving my life..
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 02:49:20 +0000
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