Saying No to people can be strangely uncomfortable, even for bold, verbal, articulate folks.....who dont even appear shy. Someone calls, or looks at you with big sweet crocodile tears....Im so sad. I cant take it anymore. I wish I were dead. If your kid said this, most moms would feel the energy practically spring out of the heart towards the one suffering. My baby! Sometimes this movement goes towards anyone who appears to be suffering profoundly. The underlying assumptions and beliefs get churned up in less than two seconds.....and they might be troubling. In which case, soooooo good for self-inquiry. *this is terrible *their suffering must be stopped *I need to help them *if I say No or move away they will suffer worse *Helping means I say Yes, I listen, I stay with them All in a flash of two seconds, without questioning these troubling beliefs, there is suddenly no choice, a loss of clarity, fear, and dishonesty. Dishonesty? But! I am such a good, kind, genuine person. This has nothing to do with being dishonest! Does it? Lets take a look. How do you react when you believe these thoughts that the person before you is in terrible need, you are the one to help them end their suffering (since they asked you, since youre here), or you could be responsible for them feeling worse? How do you react when youre sure saying No wont go over well? When youre afraid of disappointing someone? Or making them mad? Or sending them over the precipice? Yikes. Im very, very careful. Many years ago, I was madly in love with a brooding and very funny handsome European. A crush. He told me he was kinda schitz. Very happy, then very depressive. A musician (of course). Edgy, dark. Trying to quit smoking Gitannes. We had long conversations into the night. Who cares about getting sleep (as I watched the clock tick by...midnight, then 12:20 am, oh now its 1:11 am, rats Ill be so tired tomorrow). The thing is, if I were truly honest, I would say I seem to be very interested in you and your fascinating story, and, I am going to sleep now. I hope we get to talk again soon. But there was a clinging, grabby sense of risk about revealing the overriding desire to go to sleep. A risk if I hung up. He began revealing the dark inner recesses of the hellish world he sometimes occupied. His painful secrets. His addictive story. Abuse. Oh yeah. This is serious! I can help! Ive felt bad before, too! No more choice in the dynamic. Im believing he needs help, and I am the one to do it. I am believing that my need for sleep is sort of...stupid. Considering the comparison. Who would I be without the thought that there is a desperate problem happening? Without the thought that suicide is bad? Without the thought that someone crying and feeling pain must be soothed? Without the thought that I have to help? I would be free to relax, slow down, trust the world, not think I am the all-important solution. I would be free to be a regular, mediocre, balanced person who sleeps at night, if thats what I notice I like to do. I would be free to say No peacefully, with loving kindness. No need to explain, give excuses, feel guilty, worry, give advice. I could trust the inner voice that says maybe later or not now or I dont know. I turn the thoughts around: *this is not terrible *their suffering must continue, my suffering must stop *I do NOT need to help them, I need to help myself *if I say No or move away they will suffer less, if I say No I will suffer worse *Helping means I say No, I listen to my inner voice, I stay away from them I realize that every person, including this one who appears unhappy in this moment, is simply expressing. Being themselves. Asking. I dont have to have a heart attack. They are allowed to ask. Who made me the boss of the universe, thinking they shouldnt feel the way they do...or struggle? And whose suffering do I have control over? Mine. Do you feel their pain? Or are you projecting what they probably feel like? How can you feel another persons pain? No one has ever felt another persons pain! We imagine what their pain is like and we feel what were imagining! Youre creating your own pain.....I feel their pain---pure ego. Its disrespectful to believe that I can. Its separating, it doesnt connect. ~ Byron Katie If I truly do not believe that they should not be suffering, I am free to feel joy, laughter, quiet, silence, care, kindness and peace in the presence of their pain. In the presence of absolutely anything. Who would I be without this story? A well-rested, honest person. Willing to help if thats the truth. My honest No could be a big help, just as much as my honest Yes. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over....This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody elses unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. ~ Eckhart Tolle With love, Grace
Posted on: Sat, 18 Jan 2014 14:00:00 +0000
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