Sept 15- underSTAND. I don’t. We don’t. And I find the more I try to rationalize things the more I’m left with tear stained clothes and unanswered questions. There is no understanding cancer…the whys or hows and especially the whos. I simply don’t get it. We pray for a list of kids who have cancer...Skyler (11), Johnathon (3), Sophie Grace (9months at diagnosis)…and through that we have lost Silas (age 4, just 9 days before his 5th birthday) and Cameron (age 2). We wept over them…uncontrollably so, as we cried out for answers…some sort of sense in the death of a child. In the death of a person. It doesn’t exist. Not this side of Heaven anyways. The test results were bad…very bad…and I have been beside myself on what to say, how to say it, if to say it…for two days I’ve refused to write it down, make it real, say it out loud. For those who have called, texted, stopped by…thank you, it is comforting to know you won’t ignore radio silence. I love you more for it. The chemo didn’t work. It knocked the cancer from 90% to 80% and THAT cost John a heart attack. We can’t catch up to the cancer at this rate…and John cannot endure another round of the same treatment. The doctor’s words were ‘we may not be able to pull a rabbit out of a hat for you, John’, the words said with tears from a doctor who has become family this last year. Dr. Martin will be calling every leukemia specialist he knows, working with Seattle, and reaching out to Houston to see if there is anything that can offer us any chance of success. Most importantly he will heavily research the program to protect John from becoming a guinea pig. Martin will not suggest anything that would only rob John and us of the time he has left. In Dr. Martin’s words ‘I won’t let you become data on a page hooked up to hoses surrounded by strangers…’ and THAT is why you pray for your doctors and why we thank God for Dr. Martin EVERY night. Everything out there is highly experimental and with John’s previous issues (liver failure, kidney failure, weakened lungs) and now a weakened heart on top of it…the odds are heavily stacked against us. They may not even accept him if a program exists. It looks bad, because it is. We are as broken as you can be in this moment. There are parts of me that want to shut my windows and hide inside and desperately try to protect my family from being ripped apart. After a year of the most valiant fight I have ever seen fought…we are in the 11th hour and I am begging for God to intervene, while trying to submit to His overall plan. This DOES NOT shake our FAITH, LOVE, or BELIEF in our GOD…it just reinforces that we have a LIMITED understanding of His plan and purpose for our life. Our message was never ‘God heals or He isn’t real’…but rather ‘We trust Him NO MATTER WHAT’ and if death comes we will meet it with the same GRACE that OVERCAME it, Jesus. The truth is…WE WIN ANYWAYS. John’s words ‘tell them we have VICTORY, it may look a bit different than what we prayed for, but we will still have VICTORY, NO MATTER WHAT…we win anyways, DEATH WHERE IS YOUR STING? Even if we die we go to Heaven…what can death do to us?’ Keep PRAYING for a MIRACLE. We need it, NOW. I will update as I can, but I am going to spend some time unplugged to LOVE on my little family and spend time with my husband. Love, Schelli All our love, The Boltas (John, Schelli, & Kherington)
Posted on: Sun, 15 Sep 2013 14:10:48 +0000
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