Seriously, its been a difficult few weeks and I am feeling a bit guilty for not blogging through it but..... I will endeavour to do better! My brain feels a bit cloudy tonight (had third treatment on Tuesday) but I felt like writing so I am going to go with it and we shall see where I end up. The effects of the penicillin on my body was just horrible. Initially I put it down to the chemotherapy but as time went on I realised that it wasnt. I ended up with flaking skin on my hands & face and the worst case of vaginal thrush I have ever experienced in my life (there I go again with the embarrassing stuff). At the same time the chemotherapy had affected my eyes and I looked like a bald albino bunny with a very runny nose - not a great look & one that I chose to keep well hidden for a good few days I can tell you. Its bad enough being bald and scabby but not being able to even wear a bit of mascara was enough to push me over the edge. Honestly, I looked horrific. Its funny but to me the eyes never lie. I have lost my hair and soon I will lose both of my breasts. I have temporarily lost my life and you cant help feeling that you are losing your femininity in SO many ways so, to me, my eyes are kind of important. They are the only things left that I like and now they are letting me down too. I felt so exposed because I have nothing left to hide behind. My eyes showed the world that I am really not very well & I didnt like it one bit. Good grief this sounds very gloomy! Apologies. As you will see I cannot sleep this evening so I am writing this direct from the lounge sofa. Everyone is in bed and the house is very quiet. Its a good time for thinking. My eyes are better and I even made it to my sons school this afternoon for Craigclowans Got Talent. Very entertaining but perhaps I should have stayed in bed as I cannot seem to get rid of this nausea. Normally the tablets take the nausea away but not too sure that is going on this time. I had my third chemotherapy treatment on Tuesday and I didnt have reaction to it... yipee! It took all day to get the stuff into me and the usual steroids, antihistamine, blah blah blah but we got there and thats the last of that particularly nasty but necessary chemo drug for me. My next three treatments will be a drug called FEC and they will also stop the herceptin until after they chop me up and rebuild me whereupon I will be having herceptin every three weeks for a year. I have a very important MRI on monday. I mentioned in a previous post that I cant feel the lump anymore. This MRI will confirm whether this bloody tumour is being nuked and although I am very hopeful its still a worry because you just never know. Still receiving cards and presents and visits from lovely, wonderful, warm hearted friends and although I have not managed to write Thank Yous yet I am very touched and humbled by it all. As soon as the chemo is over I am having a girls bubbly night at mine and you are all invited! Sanj and I have been very busy choosing bathrooms and tiles and paint colours and wallpaper for Viewpark. We move back on the 7th December after a year and a bit away from our beloved home. It cant come quickly enough and its a massive thing for us all to look forward to. My last chemo will be on my 45th birthday (Happy bloody birthday to me!) but my eyes are firmly fixed on the future and there are a lot of things I want to get done & lots to see so its onwards and upwards for us. No matter what time any of us have left (and none of us really know) we all have dreams & desires & goals. I am going to make it all count....every damn moment.x
Posted on: Fri, 18 Oct 2013 00:38:02 +0000
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