Shadow Self V – Shadow Play Our shadow selves are spirit guides and represent another face of us. Mine loosened all of my shadows and showed them to me because I am meant to release them now. He even introduced himself as ‘Livingston’ and showed me that we’d been embodied together in the distant past. He felt very dear to me, and we were sharing a loving hug. Then I felt a deep shock through my body as I remembered: I used to know ALL of this, but I forgot – or convinced myself it wasn’t true – on purpose! I suddenly recalled memories of playing with my shadow in this lifetime when I was young, singing the ‘Me and My Shadow’ song, and dancing with him. I remembered knowing that he was real, that he could actually move separately from me when other people weren’t looking, and that he could appear without any light shining behind us, even in the dark. We had fun, especially on my basement swing, because he would flip off and land before I jumped off. No wonder I have so many memories of staring at the cement floor and tile walls. Until now I recalled that all vaguely as my young imagination, not ‘real’. Now I actually remember crying because I learned that we had to say good-bye, and I wouldn’t be able to play with my shadow anymore. I somehow understood that we were going to become attached at the soles of our feet, and he was going to sheer off into a different dimension, at a sort of angle from me. I thought of this as him bending. I remember now that it felt like I was the one consoling and explaining it to him, “I’m going to stay straight and you’re going to bend.” Then I remember going outside in the sunlight for days and convincing myself that my shadow was just my own form blocking out the light, no more. We moved together. I remember one day me and my friend Mike from across the street spent the entire day playing a shadow game. We began in the morning with long shadows and at midday we had hardly any shadows, but they grew longer again the other direction towards evening. We spent the day jumping and running, hiding behind trees and peeking out from them, all the while watching our shadows. That was when I began making finger shadows on the walls at night too, with my nightlight. Soon after that I stopped paying any attention to shadows at all. It was one of my hibernation ceremonies. I never forgot, but I never remembered everything either, or understood it until now. It’s been another set of those strange memories that I’ve replayed over and over and over, wondering in confusion and sometimes in frustration and even in anger, what was my little self doing? I forgot that it was a ceremony, and I forgot what was Before. Waking up, meeting old friends, remembering – it seems like it should feel joyous, but when I remembered the truth then I spilled tears all over my shadow. He just said, “There, there” and patted me on the back. (Since then Ive remembered many of my hibernation ceremonies, and it is some of my most emotional shadow work to process.) In this journey I straightened up suddenly, and as Livingston and I parted, I had one of those moments when I wanted to stomp my foot and declare, “It’s not fair!” Instead I breathed calmly like a mature grown-up and thought, with just the faintest amount of insolence, “I wonder why shadow spirits are a part of this creation?” Livingston stared back at me with raised bushy eyebrows and a wry smile, like I should understand why. I could tell that he wasn’t going to explain. I’ll have to think upon that, or wait to learn in future journeys. I reminded myself that Id already received a major healing and been in this journey more than two hours. I told myself that it was time to go, and I knew that I wouldn’t see Livingston again. He walked me out of his mansion and across his wide porch. He parted from me there at a stone pillar, where he stood leaning with his face against it and his arm wrapped around it, smiling at me nostalgically. I don’t like good-byes. I made a small wave with my left hand still by my side, and then I turned resolutely and crossed his yard. At the steps down and through the wrought iron gate I turned back and had the chance to really see the house and grounds. Livingston had disappeared inside and the door was closed. I imagined him enjoying a cup of tea and some biscuits, sitting with his legs up on a footstool, resting after a job well done. That is how I wish to remember and think of him now. I sent a last wave of gratitude across the entire scene, haunted mansion and all, and then I dissolved from my journey world back to this one. There must be many complex reasons why we have shadow spirits. For me in this lifetime, having a shadow self certainly must have been helpful for my hibernation, increasing my fears of being found out over the years, keeping me isolated. I bet Livingston had me watch ‘The X Files’ and ‘Alias’ and ‘Smallville’ too (ha!) and kept wrapping me in webs of fear about what would happen if people knew my spiritual identity. Fear of big government and big money and big conspiracy. Fear of being considered crazy. Fear of being considered powerful. Fear of being considered dangerous. Fear of being locked up or experimented on. I’m sure it is no coincidence that he appeared the day that I planned to post today’s story ‘Can’t Keep it In’ about facing the truth and waking up at last. My spirit guides and higher self began giving me very clear and consistent messages after my awakening. I spent the first six months after my kundalini refusing to believe most of what they told me, and longer than that arguing and rejecting all messages about ‘going public’ or sharing any of my stories. Now I’ve been sharing them for six months, and getting braver all of the time. Today in the car the first song to play was ‘’Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of’ and the first line is “I’m not afraid of anything in this world.” It will be fun to test this now and see if any prickles or chasms of dread arise in me spontaneously anymore, or if I just pass through life feeling brave now, whatever comes. (Hallow ~ January 21st, 2014) Find more stories at https://facebook/ChaosKrakens Image – Peter Pan from Walt Disney’s Animated Classics
Posted on: Thu, 27 Mar 2014 23:09:18 +0000
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