“Share your story with someone. You never know how one sentence of your life story could inspire someone to rewrite their own.” –Demi Lovato I have been debating posting this for a few weeks. I would link this to a blog or something, but it will probably be a VERY long time before I share this much information about myself over social media, so continue reading if you please. ☺ In July, I experienced what I assume to be an anxiety/panic attack while I was in Knoxville working. I knew there was something wrong with me, but I had no clue what it was. Do you know the feeling when you’re going down a staircase and you miss a stair? Or when you’re diving down to the deep end of the pool and you look up and realize how far up you have to get before you get air again? That’s what it feels like, except it doesn’t go away and it feels as if nothing you do will relieve it! I left my job and went home for the remaining 3 weeks of my summer. At that point, everyone I talked to (not very many people, mostly family, because I tend to be hesitant in sharing) encouraged me that it was totally normal for something like this to happen to someone my age. In fact, most of them had also experienced a panic attack and explained that it never happened again. I blamed it on being exhausted and overwhelmed. At this point, I thought “Great! This was just a one time thing and I can get back in the groove in August.” August rolls around. I remember looking for the good in the situation and feeling thankful for the extra few weeks with my parents and brother. My car had broken down and needed major repairs, so I was also super grateful to be at home when that happened. I love school and I had a week of Ignite Serves (a week of community service and people I love) to look forward to, so I told myself to chill out and it would be different now that I had taken a break to rest. I get to school a couple days before anything starts to settle in for the semester. It’s not better. The horrible feeling is back and each day that went by was worse than the day before. In hindsight, I was feeling worse each day because I wasn’t sleeping or eating or even washing my face. Even though all this was happening, I kept thinking it would go away if I continued on with classes, Ignite, a job, and new involvement positions at school. These things had always made me feel happy and fulfilled before, why would that change now? I didn’t want to rock the boat any more than it already gets rocked for a busy college student in the middle of August. From new roommates to new classes to everything else, I felt like I needed to commit to powering through this. Commit I did, only I was calling my parents and sobbing every morning and every night when I was without distraction from my emotions and dreading being alone to make it through another sleepless night or anxiety-filled day. I got through all of Ignite, I got through a week of class, but I still wasn’t accomplishing the basics like eating, sleeping, and washing my face. The anxious feeling was that overwhelming. You have to understand that school is my jam; I love to learn, but I was dreading each moment that went by sitting in class because of the anxiety and the fear that it was not getting any better. It is only by the grace of God that I made it through those weeks in one piece. Going home was still not an option in my mind even though my parents kept telling me during our AM/PM conversations that they would support whatever I needed to do every step of the way. I was at Micah’s apartment sitting on his couch and attempting to ingest some calories while we watched Bridesmaids. I couldn’t stop crying. Who weeps through Bridesmaids?! Me, apparently. He said something about how washing my face was the highlight of my day (it is) and pointed out that I was not doing that or eating (the other highlight of my day) or sleeping (the third highlight of my day) and that I couldn’t go on like this much longer. Deep down, I knew this. I kept crying, duh, and called my parents to tell them that I needed to withdraw and come home for the semester. It was really hard. Feeling like things were falling apart was hard. Going to see a doctor was hard. Finding the correct medication and dosage was hard. Finding a therapist was hard. Talking things out with a therapist was hard. Using the tools I have learned and getting through bad days IS STILL hard, but I am immensely blessed. There are people who do not have the support of a wonderful family, outstanding friends, and a supportive significant other. There are people who do not have the money to spend on the medication they need or the counseling to help them through a time of crisis. The medication and counseling has helped tremendously, but this kind of stuff does not just vanish. It is slow to come on and slow to leave and it might just come back again years later. I have learned to be vulnerable. I have learned to find my fulfillment and healing in Jesus, because EVERYTHING else is temporary and it will let you down eventually. I go back to Knoxville to begin class on the 7th. I am praying it goes well and I am excited to be in school again! It really helped me to talk with and hear stories from people who have experienced something similar, so my motivation in writing all of this is to encourage. It is really scary to have no control over yourself. I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone, but if something like this has happened to you, is happening to you, or you find yourself in this situation in the future, you will get through it and you will come out stronger! “Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me ‘My grace is sufficient to you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest in me. That is why for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 [NIV]
Posted on: Sat, 03 Jan 2015 05:33:21 +0000
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