Shared by a member: I wrote this to a dear friend tonight because I needed to talk about my battle. I hope maybe you will post it and it will touch the life of another warrior mom/dad. ..... Tonight has been filled with a myriad of thoughts. Some easy to deal with. Others terrifying. TO say that I am scared is an enormous understatement. I am to the point where the stress is making me second guess everything I do and is starting to debilitate me. I either dont eat or binge eat. I stay exhausted but i cant sleep. I am leery of saying anything to anyone. I feel alone and weak. I want to cry more than I want to admit. I am worried. I am so worried that he is going to get custody. I keep looking at the legal paperwork and I begin to become numb and freeze. I am terrified. I know I need to complete it all. I know once I talk to my lawer I will have more answers. I dont know who is going to be willing to be a witness for me in court. I have to get answers to all these things soon. I am afraid I will lose because I am not prepared. The questions that were asked in the interrogatories are bewildering. Why do they need to know what gifts I have bought for the kids? Why so much of my personal financial information? Trying to wrap my head around the nonsense is truly bewildering. This should not have taken so long. Not many people have to deal with a divorce and custody battle that lasts almost sixteen months. He is out for vengeance. He is seeking to destroy me because I destroyed the lie that we lived. He is wanting retribution. He is irate that I broke his perfect lie into a million shards. His narcissistic rage will grow over the next four weeks until we go to court. I am doing my best to prepare for what ever he may throw at me. I know he is going to say things to the kids to get them mad at me. He will remind them constantly that he is the fun parent that does fun things with them. He will twist the truth into a horrendous lie to suit his needs to manipulate the minds of the children. He is going to damage them more than he knows because he doesnt want to admit he has a problem. Knowing my faults and mistakes will help me in court. Lying for years will not help my case. I lied to him, others, and myself. I said repeatedly that I was in great and loving marriage. I said that for sixteen years. I taught my children to lie, to pretend, to bottle their emotions for the sake of not having to hear the narcissist yell. I was a poor role model for them. Honesty will hopefully be my best witness. How can I have witnesses when most of the time I was isolated and alone? Only a few saw his behavior towards me and the kids. And not many will be willing to testify to it. Hopefully on Monday my lawyer will tell me what all we need int he way of witnesses. This roller coaster ride has been a lot of torture. And I know that even when it is all finalized that i have years to deal with his ways. My kids will be in therapy for quite some time due to his inability to be mature, reasonable, and compassionate. He will never realize the burden and stress he is placing upon the kids. I am thankful that i finally had the backbone to leave him. I am making a better life for me and my kids. It hasnt been easy but it has been worth it. Never could I have imagined the strength that I had within me. With all of his shenanigans, I have managed to support my kids and myself, work over 30 plus hours a week, and finish three semesters of college with a 4.0 GPA. I want to teach my kids that they can do anything that they set their minds to do. I know showing this to them is going to be hard and that they might now understand it for now. One day though, they will realize how much I have done to help them become the wonderful people I know they will be. IN four weeks, I will be in a court room. That fact keeps coming up in my mind. I know I can only control my own reactions to the chaos that surrounds me. I know I can do this. there are going to be times over the next few weeks where I will need to reach out to others for support and encouragement. I will need it more than they know. Hopefully those i reach out to will be willing to listen because that is what i need most. I need people to listen, to hear my story, and to see my heart. In the good and the bad, I will come out stronger. I am resilient and I will triumph and continue to fight for what is best for my children no matter what is decided in that courtroom. Crystal
Posted on: Thu, 07 Aug 2014 04:39:56 +0000
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