Silent Rage, Smug Thoughts & Secret Victories: Testimony Of A Passive-Agressive FEATURED I have a quality that I have always cherished throughout my life for as long as I can remember: I never rock anybody’s boat. Never. I swear. I have always thought this was good; keeping the peace, that sort of thing. I stay away from verbal combat with people I share spaces with whether be it home, work or friends. When pushed to the corner I choose my battles very well. I’m not a bully or anything like that but I will not, for example, take part in a screaming match(friendly or otherwise). Besides it’s ridiculous to hear someone with a voice as soft as mine screaming above a chaotic din to be heard. I just don’t yell. I guess I lack the energy and desire to fight and argue and I loathe awkward moments when the dust has settled. Comments on my apparent passive-aggressive behaviour are getting more and more frequent so I decided to look it up; you know, get a better understanding of this phenomenon. I swear by google. Bless them. I actually giggled as I read the different entries as I related to quite a few. So what is passive-aggression? Is it a defense mechanism of sorts? How is different from denial or reaction formation? One thing I know it is not is a disorder though widely misunderstood. Gosh just about all my former managers have accused me of being obstinate. Say what? Me? Balderdash! Actually now that I think about it I can only remember one time where I went completely ballistic. That night is a blur as I soon got paralytic drunk afterwards only to wake up the following morning with scratches all over my face and neck. My friend Philani also sustained gross facial marks. Apparently he had tried to wake me up from my drunken stupor. Clearly I was still pissed off as hell as I reportedly attacked him like a rabid monkey and poor lad had to fight back. I’m 34 and the last time I had a physical fight was in std 5/grade 7. With a girl. Long story save to say I ended up with a few scratches and we were taking our school photos that week and Sr Killian (RIP) punished us by making us weed the garden for a week. Sigh! I’m not sure whether my narrative is the same with every p-a person out there but here’s how I roll: 1. I often appear submissive in conflict and cannot sustain a heated argument. Or is it? Well for one thing I’m not big on apologies and words spoken in anger often come back to haunt you. 2. Though there’s some sort of perverted satisfaction in having the last word I’m actually very happy in the belief that I’m right and I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste energy and oxygen on a clearly obtuse individual. 3. I’ve bumped into quite a few ex’s whose identity I’ve had to be reminded by an embarrassed friend. The thing is I can’t hate. Too much energy spent on someone you loathe is just not worth it. Honestly. My brain just erases you from my memory and you cease to exist. I think that’s worse than hate. Hate or even intense dislike of an individual creates possibilities for future cease fire and a truce. 4. As a p-a I have created my own world where I rule. Nothing is as comical as watching a bully in full force and thinking ag sies tog! Arme dinges(oh shame man poor thing). I actually walk around with an internalized smug. As a teacher how do I deal with the odd teenager whose sole purpose on this earth is to be a vexation on my soul? My former and current students will tell you I giggle a lot and my classes are fun but I have had experiences when I have found a learner really pushing me to the corner like it happened when I was at my previous school between 2009-2010. I’m not necessarily proud of this because it spoke of my failure as a teacher but those kids simply ceased to exist. I taught them. Engaged them in my lessons like the others but that is how far it went and I think they knew it. P-a’s are deceitful people with just a dash of conceit, trust me. I have found that I don’t necessarily forgive a personal offense but I choose not to deal with it and life goes on. Dealing with hurts and offenses will force one to engage in an argument and I think I’m too far evolved for that. When other people are overcome by the flee or fight impulse in the face of stressors I get physically sick. Anger literally leaves me nauseated. Rage builds upon rage. I have taken up scribbling(thank you WordPress though at times you also piss me off) as a release of sorts. Like this particular post for example. My hands were shaking as I typed the first two paragraphs or so and I’m feeling much better already. At times I wish I could be as dramatic as just about everybody I know. Yes, just like the dramatic lot I don’t take shit from anyone, though it appears like I often do. I just don’t verbalize it. Earlier on I spoke of my former managers who always referred to “Vukile’s stubbornness.” In one of the schools I worked in I always had spectacular run-ins with my departmental head. Poor lady was at her wits’ end because I never gave her any grief when she confronted me about files, deadlines and other whatnots but she would be lecturing me again within a week . That’s the part she just couldn’t get. At my farewell function she said in apparent “jest” : I have never understood Vukile. He never argues but he’ll be damned if he follows instruction” Aibo I was being polite. Lol. The thing is if it doesn’t make sense to me I will not do it but I’m not going to make an Armageddon out of it. It’s not like I cannot defend myself or I have nothing to say in an argument but what’s the point? If we all engaged in verbal fist cuffs can you imagine the world we’d be living in? Well now that I’m feeling better I’ve suddenly lost the energy to continue writing so I guess I’ll end it here for now. Stay blessed, stay focused, stay inspired and stay true to yourselves. VK vukile.wordpress
Posted on: Mon, 26 Aug 2013 19:20:24 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015